Why I don't answer the phone at work
When I occasionally do get on the phone, it's generally some gum-chewing chippie thinking that it's my job to walk her through the absolute motherfucking BASICS. Sample type of conversation:
Secre-Moron: Uh, hi, uh, [CHOMP! SMACK!] hey, what's the first letter of the alphabet?
Me: It's A. We have the alphabet listed on our website. Do you want the link?
SM: [SNORTS DERISIVELY] Naaooo, that's okeh, but uh, hey, what comes after A?
Me: B. B comes after A. Take a look at our FAQ, it gives all the letters in order, and if you have any questions that aren't answered, my email is right on there.
SM: Hold on. [SCREAMS AT OTHER PERSON IN OFFICE]. Oh, no, that's fine, I rilly appreciate it. Oh, hey, listen, my attorney filed a motion to withdraw, has that been granted yet?
Me: You need to speak to the clerk's office about that.
SM: That's cool, I'll hold while you check.
Me: No, sorry, you need to speak to the clerk. Here is the general number.
SM: Don't you have a specific person I could talk to?
Me: What's your case number?
SM: [Inevitably gives me the fucking DISTRICT COURT CASE NUMBER, not the APPEAL number.]
Me: Call the clerk and have the appeal number ready, they will get you to the right person.
SM: gah, you know, it's like it takes so long to get paid for these things! I submitted the voucher last week and it's like, where's the money, yeh knaow?
Me: i remember that voucher. I sent it back, you can't get paid yet, the case isn't over.
SM: Wait, why is that? We withdrew!
Me: Take a look at the FAQ on our website, the instructions, and the Plan for Representation. It explains things pretty well. Email me if you have any additional questions.
SM: But seriously, like, when are we going to get our money?
Me: . . .
Me: Ok, thanks for calling.
SM: [TALKING TO SOMEONE ELSE IN THE OFFICE AGAIN] Yeh, what? [HANGS UP].
You know, I don't expect legal secretaries to be geniuses, but it's utterly shocking to me how fucking stupid, lazy, and unable to take any kind of initiative people can be and be hired for support positions. I mean, this applies somewhat across the board, but I have to say, the most helpless and lazy seem to be the younger ones, you know, the generation that is supposed to be so technologically savvy and lives on the web. Maybe instead of millenials they should be called moronials. Jesus, I can fucking google two or three words and go right to our web page, without even having to go to the Court's home page and figure out what link to click.
And also, before you all find me too judgmental, remember, I did that job for years, it is NOT THAT FUCKING HARD. They give you a special book with all the court numbers in it. Also, they give you rule books to figure out some of this stuff. Also, the court sends you instructions when you get a case.
I spent all this time re-vamping the website, making it easier to use, adding a FAQ, and even putting up new forms that can be filled out online and printed. I revised the instructions to read at a 6th grade level (you know, the level they tell you to use when writing for the general public- e.g. most newspapers). I revised the worksheets to make them easier to use.
Sure enough, these twats can figure out how to bypass our phone queue to harass our receptionist to get through to me, but they can't fucking pull up the website and just read a couple minutes worth of stuff. Or, if they do send me emails, it pretty much goes like the phone convo above, minus sound effects. Never mind that they had to get to the fucking website to get my email in the first place, so their idiocy is even more egregious.
I could do this all day, every day, and I don't, which is why anyone gets paid, ever. And of course, the same people who inquire incessantly also bitch about how slow the system is. I WONDER FUCKING WHY, CRACK WHORES!
Thank you for listening to Installment 4 of "seide gets her bitch on."
Secre-Moron: Uh, hi, uh, [CHOMP! SMACK!] hey, what's the first letter of the alphabet?
Me: It's A. We have the alphabet listed on our website. Do you want the link?
SM: [SNORTS DERISIVELY] Naaooo, that's okeh, but uh, hey, what comes after A?
Me: B. B comes after A. Take a look at our FAQ, it gives all the letters in order, and if you have any questions that aren't answered, my email is right on there.
SM: Hold on. [SCREAMS AT OTHER PERSON IN OFFICE]. Oh, no, that's fine, I rilly appreciate it. Oh, hey, listen, my attorney filed a motion to withdraw, has that been granted yet?
Me: You need to speak to the clerk's office about that.
SM: That's cool, I'll hold while you check.
Me: No, sorry, you need to speak to the clerk. Here is the general number.
SM: Don't you have a specific person I could talk to?
Me: What's your case number?
SM: [Inevitably gives me the fucking DISTRICT COURT CASE NUMBER, not the APPEAL number.]
Me: Call the clerk and have the appeal number ready, they will get you to the right person.
SM: gah, you know, it's like it takes so long to get paid for these things! I submitted the voucher last week and it's like, where's the money, yeh knaow?
Me: i remember that voucher. I sent it back, you can't get paid yet, the case isn't over.
SM: Wait, why is that? We withdrew!
Me: Take a look at the FAQ on our website, the instructions, and the Plan for Representation. It explains things pretty well. Email me if you have any additional questions.
SM: But seriously, like, when are we going to get our money?
Me: . . .
Me: Ok, thanks for calling.
SM: [TALKING TO SOMEONE ELSE IN THE OFFICE AGAIN] Yeh, what? [HANGS UP].
You know, I don't expect legal secretaries to be geniuses, but it's utterly shocking to me how fucking stupid, lazy, and unable to take any kind of initiative people can be and be hired for support positions. I mean, this applies somewhat across the board, but I have to say, the most helpless and lazy seem to be the younger ones, you know, the generation that is supposed to be so technologically savvy and lives on the web. Maybe instead of millenials they should be called moronials. Jesus, I can fucking google two or three words and go right to our web page, without even having to go to the Court's home page and figure out what link to click.
And also, before you all find me too judgmental, remember, I did that job for years, it is NOT THAT FUCKING HARD. They give you a special book with all the court numbers in it. Also, they give you rule books to figure out some of this stuff. Also, the court sends you instructions when you get a case.
I spent all this time re-vamping the website, making it easier to use, adding a FAQ, and even putting up new forms that can be filled out online and printed. I revised the instructions to read at a 6th grade level (you know, the level they tell you to use when writing for the general public- e.g. most newspapers). I revised the worksheets to make them easier to use.
Sure enough, these twats can figure out how to bypass our phone queue to harass our receptionist to get through to me, but they can't fucking pull up the website and just read a couple minutes worth of stuff. Or, if they do send me emails, it pretty much goes like the phone convo above, minus sound effects. Never mind that they had to get to the fucking website to get my email in the first place, so their idiocy is even more egregious.
I could do this all day, every day, and I don't, which is why anyone gets paid, ever. And of course, the same people who inquire incessantly also bitch about how slow the system is. I WONDER FUCKING WHY, CRACK WHORES!
Thank you for listening to Installment 4 of "seide gets her bitch on."