Fatty McBlubbutt: A History (Abridged Version)
I was a normal-weight child, but the more I was teased at school and the more shit at home blew up, I turned to food for comfort. Because unhealthy food was cheap, that was all that was available in my home. Parents got a lot of fast food, too. I was quite overweight by the time I reached high school.
In high school we had a daily gym class which we would have to run laps and laps in, and lots and lots of steps to run up and down (we actually had only a certain amount of time to get to our next class). I'm not sure how much weight I lost, but it was quite a bit. I was drinking only water and maybe eating a light lunch and one pack of ramen a day for dinner. I was fascinated with the computer/internet at this time, and I would put off eating (sometimes entirely) just to play on it. i weighed 127 lbs. at my peak thinness. Shit at home got worse (sorry, I'm not going to get into the fucked-upness that was my adolescent years), and I was put on anti-depressants just to deal. Once I started the pills, all I wanted to do was sleep. I became suicidal and they took me off the pills. Then I started eating for comfort again. By the time I got to college I was pretty overweight (probably about 180-200 lbs. which, oddly, sounds skinny to me now).
One day in college I looked into this full-length mirror and something inside of me snapped. I don't know what it was... but that moment marked the start of this sickening period in my life. I starved myself, took like 5 over-the-counter diet pills (including ephedrine) a day, and worked out for literally like 4-6 hours a day. Lost the weight but was obsessed with food, calories, and exercise in a completely unhealthy way. I felt sick looking in the mirror. I would cry if I passed even a window with my reflection on it. If I saw someone eating who was overweight, even slightly, I would get instantly nauseous and feel this intense hatred and disgust that was so intense that I can't even put into words how it felt.
I met someone and fell in love, but he never really knew the extent of my sickness (mental or physical). The only part he EVER saw was that I wouldn't eat, or if I did eat something I would spend a lot of time in the bathroom. Or I would just go in the bathroom and cry, sobbing, "I'm so fat! I want to die!" over and over again. He never really pried into my business or asked about things, and I surely wouldn't have spoken to him about how I felt if he did. Instead, he would just try to get me to eat more and more. One day, I dunno what happened, but I started to eat, started to work out less, started to feel comfortable in my own skin. BIG MISTAKE. Shit started to go sour in the relationship, and from there I became obsessed with EATING. The COMPLETE opposite of my sickness. Comfort food HAS NEVER tasted so good.
It started as slow weight gain because I was pretty active still, playing DDR... but I became disinterested in the game because I was so competitive that it was no longer fun. It put a great deal of strain on my already fucked up relationship, too, since we both played together. Once I stopped playing DDR, the weighed PILED on. It got to the point that it didn't matter how much or how little I ate, I would still gain. I probably gained like 60 lbs. in 3 or 4 months.
Fast forward... (just using this as a marker in time) that boyfriend broke up with me (my weight being part of the reason) and 6 months after that I entered into a new relationship. I was very uncomfortable with my weight but my new boyfriend (Brandon) loved me despite that, and again, I began feeling too comfortable. It doesn't help that my new boyfriend was overweight as well and we both LOVE to eat. We're both emotional eaters and we both love fine dining. We would sort of encourage each other to eat shittily, and quite often. Weight piling on again. I was at my heaviest.... just one month ago, at 267 lbs. I have avoided mirrors that show more than my face for almost 2 years. I don't cry or anything if I look in one, I'm very stable, mentally, but I just would rather not see my fatness. In my heart, I feel like I'm a skinny person trapped inside a body that isn't mine.
I was diagnosed as "morbidly obese" (100 lbs. or more overweight) and started having health problems (high blood pressure as well as severe sensitivity to salt and caffeine). Once I got my blood pressure under control my doctor suggested a diet pill called phentermine, which I started 3 weeks ago. I also started eating insanely healthily, fruits and vegetables like WHOA, and cut out about 600-800 calories DAILY from my diet. At my last doctor visit I had lost 10 lbs. and today I stepped on the scale and it's down to 250. I realize the weight won't melt off this easily soon, but it makes me happy to know my efforts aren't in vain. The downside is my diet has literally taken me broke because of how fucking expensive healthy food is in comparison to what I was eating before - even though I'm eating exponentially less. Also, no, it's not water weight. I'm on a diuretic. Oh, and I stopped drinking 2 months ago. Can't have those empty calories in my way.
I feel very motivated to lose weight, and I haven't felt this motivated since the college-anorexic/bulimic time. It's a different kind of motivation though, a healthy one. I don't feel disgusted with myself and obsessed with losing weight this time. I know I have to change my lifestyle in order to keep it off for good, not just lose the weight. I have the support of my family and friends and a boyfriend who loves me despite being fat or thin who is on the same journey as me. I have everything I need to do this the right way and I'm going to do just that. Fuck y'all haters.
In high school we had a daily gym class which we would have to run laps and laps in, and lots and lots of steps to run up and down (we actually had only a certain amount of time to get to our next class). I'm not sure how much weight I lost, but it was quite a bit. I was drinking only water and maybe eating a light lunch and one pack of ramen a day for dinner. I was fascinated with the computer/internet at this time, and I would put off eating (sometimes entirely) just to play on it. i weighed 127 lbs. at my peak thinness. Shit at home got worse (sorry, I'm not going to get into the fucked-upness that was my adolescent years), and I was put on anti-depressants just to deal. Once I started the pills, all I wanted to do was sleep. I became suicidal and they took me off the pills. Then I started eating for comfort again. By the time I got to college I was pretty overweight (probably about 180-200 lbs. which, oddly, sounds skinny to me now).
One day in college I looked into this full-length mirror and something inside of me snapped. I don't know what it was... but that moment marked the start of this sickening period in my life. I starved myself, took like 5 over-the-counter diet pills (including ephedrine) a day, and worked out for literally like 4-6 hours a day. Lost the weight but was obsessed with food, calories, and exercise in a completely unhealthy way. I felt sick looking in the mirror. I would cry if I passed even a window with my reflection on it. If I saw someone eating who was overweight, even slightly, I would get instantly nauseous and feel this intense hatred and disgust that was so intense that I can't even put into words how it felt.
I met someone and fell in love, but he never really knew the extent of my sickness (mental or physical). The only part he EVER saw was that I wouldn't eat, or if I did eat something I would spend a lot of time in the bathroom. Or I would just go in the bathroom and cry, sobbing, "I'm so fat! I want to die!" over and over again. He never really pried into my business or asked about things, and I surely wouldn't have spoken to him about how I felt if he did. Instead, he would just try to get me to eat more and more. One day, I dunno what happened, but I started to eat, started to work out less, started to feel comfortable in my own skin. BIG MISTAKE. Shit started to go sour in the relationship, and from there I became obsessed with EATING. The COMPLETE opposite of my sickness. Comfort food HAS NEVER tasted so good.
It started as slow weight gain because I was pretty active still, playing DDR... but I became disinterested in the game because I was so competitive that it was no longer fun. It put a great deal of strain on my already fucked up relationship, too, since we both played together. Once I stopped playing DDR, the weighed PILED on. It got to the point that it didn't matter how much or how little I ate, I would still gain. I probably gained like 60 lbs. in 3 or 4 months.
Fast forward... (just using this as a marker in time) that boyfriend broke up with me (my weight being part of the reason) and 6 months after that I entered into a new relationship. I was very uncomfortable with my weight but my new boyfriend (Brandon) loved me despite that, and again, I began feeling too comfortable. It doesn't help that my new boyfriend was overweight as well and we both LOVE to eat. We're both emotional eaters and we both love fine dining. We would sort of encourage each other to eat shittily, and quite often. Weight piling on again. I was at my heaviest.... just one month ago, at 267 lbs. I have avoided mirrors that show more than my face for almost 2 years. I don't cry or anything if I look in one, I'm very stable, mentally, but I just would rather not see my fatness. In my heart, I feel like I'm a skinny person trapped inside a body that isn't mine.
I was diagnosed as "morbidly obese" (100 lbs. or more overweight) and started having health problems (high blood pressure as well as severe sensitivity to salt and caffeine). Once I got my blood pressure under control my doctor suggested a diet pill called phentermine, which I started 3 weeks ago. I also started eating insanely healthily, fruits and vegetables like WHOA, and cut out about 600-800 calories DAILY from my diet. At my last doctor visit I had lost 10 lbs. and today I stepped on the scale and it's down to 250. I realize the weight won't melt off this easily soon, but it makes me happy to know my efforts aren't in vain. The downside is my diet has literally taken me broke because of how fucking expensive healthy food is in comparison to what I was eating before - even though I'm eating exponentially less. Also, no, it's not water weight. I'm on a diuretic. Oh, and I stopped drinking 2 months ago. Can't have those empty calories in my way.
I feel very motivated to lose weight, and I haven't felt this motivated since the college-anorexic/bulimic time. It's a different kind of motivation though, a healthy one. I don't feel disgusted with myself and obsessed with losing weight this time. I know I have to change my lifestyle in order to keep it off for good, not just lose the weight. I have the support of my family and friends and a boyfriend who loves me despite being fat or thin who is on the same journey as me. I have everything I need to do this the right way and I'm going to do just that. Fuck y'all haters.