Log: Shishido Choutarou
Who: Shishido Ryou and Ootori Choutarou
What: Shishido tries to help Chou
When: Friday Morning Nov. 26th
Where: Shishido's house
Rating: PG-13
It was warm, and it was furry. What was that? Choutarou was confused but as he finally opened his eyes he saw brown fur. It was Kaji who had rolled up beside him. Right Shishido had brought him to his house because.... he felt a lump in his throat as he remembered what had happened the day before. How could he have done that? Even if Aki was so precious it didn’t justify his actions.
Slowly the boy sat up and stretched. It seemed as if it was still early, the sun wasn’t even up. As he stood up the Boy saw that somebody lay in the bed. Of course it was Shishido, who else should it be? He looked so innocent, almost vulnerable in his sleep. He was so beautiful. Carefully Choutarou sat down on the edge of Shishido’s bed and just watched him a long time. He brushed away a stray strand of hair that lay on Shishido’s face and then carefully not to wake him, leaned forward to place an innocent, gentle kiss on the lips of his mentor.
Quickly he stood up again, feeling how he blushed. He was so thankful for everything that Shishido had done for him, especially for yesterday. He didn’t want to know what would have happened without him and Kaji. “Thank you …....I love you”, he breathed and left the room, to go to the kitchen. On the way he found a Bag, that was filled with some of his clothes, so he could at least put on a boxer shorts and a jeans before he went to the kitchen to make some breakfast.
When Shishido stirred, it was with a soft groan. He rolled onto his side into the wall, curling up for a moment before he lifted his head, slowly opening his eyes. He dropped his head back down again and rolled onto his back, stretched and rubbed his eyes then sat up. He slumped forward slightly and covered a wide yawn with a hand which he then used to wipe his eyes again. Smacking his lips he glanced to the side of his bed and blinked.
There was an empty futon... Why was there a futon on his floor...? He stared at it blankly for a moment, head tilted slightly, before his eyes widened in realization. Right. Choutarou. The previous day’s events came rushing back to him and he lay back down, staring at his ceiling. Then sat straight up again as something occurred to him.
“Shit, where is he?” He murmured as he climbed out of bed and, just in his boxers, looked around the room before heading out of it, worried. “Choutarou?”
Choutarou was almost done with a traditional Japanese breakfast, as he heard Shishido-san calling him. So he stepped out in the corridor. “Shishido-san. I hope I didn’t wake you. But you are almost on time. just a few moments and the breakfast is ready”, he said as casual as possible. He didn’t want to worry his mentor more then necessary and also had he to hide how.... much he liked the view. Shishido wore just his boxers after all.
Shishido blinked and just stared at Choutarou for a moment, unable to say anything. His brain was still waking up and was slow in processing things. He wasn’t just staring at the topless guy standing in front of him. Well... maybe a little. But only to check the guy for injuries from yesterday’s fight. “U-Um... o... kay,” he said when he finally got his mouth to work again. His brain was still trying to catch up. “What’d you make?”
“Uhm... I didn’t know what you would like so I just made a Japanese breakfast. I hope you don’t mind. I still can make you something else if you want”, the boy said with a sheepish smile what quickly vanished again. he didn’t really feel like smiling. “I hope everything is alright... With the DC I mean....”
“Ah, no. That’s fine. Thank you, Choutarou,” Shishido blinked again and shook his head. He ran his hand through his hair then pulled out the hair tie he always put in before sleeping - it kept his hair nice and neat and stopped it from fluffing up while he slept. “Ah... yeah... DC’s fine. I think... I’ll check later.” First, food. Hell, he didn’t really care what it was. The guy could be serving him Kaji’s wet food for all he cared. “....Wh-Where’s Kaji?”
“Then it is okay. Why don’t you take a shower and get dressed and I’ll finish the breakfast”, Choutarou suggested with a nod as he heard that everything seemed fine.
“Uhm when I got up he lay next to me on the futon and I didn’t see him since then”, he said then as Shishido asked about Kaji.
The prince gave a slow nod. “He’ll... be around,” It wasn’t like Kaji would stray very far from him unless he had smelled trouble - which Shishido would’ve known about considering the dog would’ve started causing a racket - or if his master told him to. His last command to the dog had been to stick with Choutarou so... He wasn’t too worried. “I’ll.. go have a shower then.”
“Hai Shishido-san”, he said and then got back in the kitchen to finish the breakfast for them. While he heard the water running in the bathroom, suddenly the kitchen door opened and Kaji strolled in. “Ah there you are. Shishido-san was already worried”, Choutarou said and ruffled the dogs head. “Are you hungry? Of course you’re hungry.” So he quickly filled the dog bowls with water and some food for Kaji. “Here”, he put them both down and smile at the Doberman.
In the bathroom, Shishido closed and locked the door behind him and filled the sink with water. He splashed in his face before just dipping his whole head into it then pulled his hair back again when he lifted his head to look in the mirror. “Come on, Ryou,” he murmured, leaning his hands on the edge of the sink. After a long moment, he sighed and kicked off his boxers before turning the shower on. He felt like a bath more than anything, but if Choutarou had made breakfast and it was almost ready, then it would be rude to keep him waiting.
For a long moment he just watched Kaji before he went back to their own breakfast. The fish and rice were ready, the eggrolls also, just the Miso soup needed a moment but it would be done when Shishido would come back, he was sure. So he put the different bowls and chopsticks in the table and sat down himself, laying his head in the table. He had so much to think about but he just couldn’t think straight at all.
Even if he hadn’t wanted to keep Choutarou waiting, Shishido took his time in washing his hair. He was meticulous about it, making sure it was perfectly done. After he had finished his hair, he just stood in the spray of the water for a long moment and close his eyes, just trying to relax and not think too much on anything. His mind was a mess but at least he wasn’t tired now like he had been the day before when he had been trying to sort things out.
With a sigh, he turned the water off and squeezed the water from his hair before wrapping a towel around his waist. Out of habit, he didn’t even bother to dry himself off and instead grabbed another towel and started drying his hair as he left the bathroom, making his way to the kitchen.
Choutarou had closed his eyes a bit as he waited for Shishido to come back again. So he was a bit startled as he heard the bathroom door open suddenly and sat up. He wanted to say something as Shishido entered the room but as he saw the other man he his mind went totally blank. Shishido-san looked too gorgeous to be allowed. The poor boy felt how heat welled up and out of panic he stood up, not really knowing what he actually was doing.
“Ah... uh.. the... the breakfast... is ready”, he stuttered more than he said and quickly turned around to get the soup. Well done Choutarou just make a total fool of yourself. Shishido-san will love you for it for sure he thought depressed as he put the food in the table.
Shishido blinked at Choutarou’s reaction and, his face blank, just gave a slow nod. “I’ll.. go get dressed then,” he said slowly before he turned and headed out of the room. He returned not too long later, dressed in denim shorts and a t-shirt and took a seat at the table, looking over the food. “This looks... really good, Choutarou.” He said with a smile. “Thanks for this.”
“Ha... hai Shishido-san”, he murmured as the other boy vanished to get dressed. It was just as Shishido had closed the door behind him that Choutarou just collapsed on the ground and buried his face in his arms. “I’m so pathetic Kaji. Even a bug has more courage than me. How comes that I can kiss Atsushi but can’t even look straight at Shishido when he isn’t fully dressed?”, he sighed and looked at the dog as if he wanted to cry. But he should better get up again and pull himself together again. Shishido-san would be back soon.
So he sat on the table as Shishido-came back just moments later. “You’re welcome Shishido-san. It is just natural, you saved me after all...”
Shishido picked up his chopsticks and paused, resting his arm against the edge of the table as he looked at the other. “It wasn’t me, Choutarou,” he said quietly, glancing at the dog. “If it wasn’t for Kaji, I wouldn’t have known you were anywhere nearby, let alone in trouble. And... I just stood back and watched...” He sighed and looked down at the food. “Kaji’s the one who saved you. I just... didn’t even try to do anything.”
Choutarou felt a lump in his throat. “But... you didn’t have to take me with you... You could have just called the DC... And I already thanked Kaji....”, he murmured and just poked his rice staring at the table.
“I couldn’t just leave you there. I saw what those guys were doing,” Shishido sighed and dropped his chopsticks on the table, sitting back in his seat to rub his face. He dragged his hands up into his hair as he breathed out slowly. “You’re DC before you’re a pet and you’re a friend before you’re DC... I do what I can to help my friends.”
Choutarou just nodded not knowing what to answer to that. He felt happy that he was a friend but at the same moment he just wanted to cry. He felt miserable. So he just continued to poke his rice, ignoring the fact that it was something that you could eat.
Shishido glanced at Choutarou and gave a small frown. After a moment of not saying anything, he quietly stood up from his seat and shifted behind Choutarou’s. He stared the other’s back for a moment before leaning forward and wrapping his arm’s tightly around the guy’s torso. He rested his cheek against Choutarou’s shoulder, closing his eyes. “I’m always gonna be here for you, Choutarou... That I can guarantee. No matter what you need.”
The taller boy just winced as he felt the arms around him. How could he actually tell Shishido how he felt? That he felt so dirty, that he was scared of himself, of what he had done. He didn’t want to talk about it. He really didn’t want to. “Ne... did you find the answer? I mean... about the thing with Kamakari-sama?”, he asked therefore almost silent. He had to distract Shishido-san so he wouldn’t ask questions that could hurt him.
“Uh... yeah... I did,” Shishido murmured, letting the other guy go. The wince had worried him. Like he had hurt him. Choutarou hadn’t pushed him away, though, so Shishido wasn’t quite sure what to think. He didn’t move from where he was standing behind him, though, just staying quiet for a moment. Eventually, he reached out a hand and placed it on Choutarou’s arm softly. “I’m sorry,” he murmured, voice barely audible. “If I had been paying better attention... maybe I could’ve...no. I definitely could’ve stopped them before it got this far...”
Choutarou just nodded. “I hope it was the answer you wanted”, he just said still staring into thin air. But then as Shishido spoke again and lay a hand on his arm he winced even harder and just covered his ears. “Don’t... just don’t...” He didn’t want to remember what happened. He just wanted to pretend that Aki still lay in his bag, that nothing had happened. He knew that he couldn’t, that he had to face it but... he just didn’t want to admit it.
Shishido dropped his hand at the wince as though it had been burned. He chew the inside of his lower lip then crouched down where he had been standing, beckoning Kaji towards him. He grabbed a handful of the dog’s fur and buried his face against Kaji’s neck. “I don’t know what you want from me,” he murmured, his voice shaking. “I want to help... but I can’t when you don’t let me in... I just want to see you smile because it’s so much easier when people are smiling. I’m scared... that I’m not going to be able to clean this up and I don’t know what to do... I don’t want to disappoint Kamakari-san but I don’t know what to do without him.” He squeezed his eyes shut, wrapping his arms tightly around the dog’s neck. “They were all right... I’m the wrong choice for this... I can’t do this...”
Choutarou just buried his face in his arms as he felt how tears welled up. Silent he listened Shishido and it hurt him more than any punch or kick. “Don’t....”, he said hoarsely, “Don’t say that... You aren’t the wrong choice.... You always told me to not think so low if myself so stop thinking so of yourself. You are a great Prince, everybody in the DC thinks so. If they didn’t they wouldn’t have wanted me to stay away from you. They didn’t want you to bother with somebody like me, because they look up to you.” It took him so much strength to say that. “I wouldn’t want to be trained under a different Prince.”
Shishido stayed silent for a moment, shaking as he clung to his dog. He knew he had said that Kaji was Choutarou’s until he could return Aki, but dammit, he need the comfort right now. The dog was just supporting him and nuzzling him with his cheek and the prince didn’t want to let go. He just listened to what Choutarou said and let the words sink in. “I just want to help...” he murmured finally, not lifting his head.
“I..... know... but I can’t … not yet”, Choutarou whispered hoarsely and just couldn’t look at the smaller boy. He feared to break entirely if he did. “I.... need some time.. did you.. did you bring my violin?”, he asked carefully
The prince nodded but didn’t lift his head. “With your bag,” he murmured. He had made sure it was one of the first things he’d grabbed from Choutarou’s room when he gone there to collect some things for the boy for while he stayed with him.
Choutarou nodded slowly. “Thank you..... I... I’ll go and play a bit. That will help me hopefully. You should eat something”, he said as he stood up and went to the door. Just as he wanted to leave the room he turned his head slightly, still not looking at the other boy. “Thank you.....”
Shishido just nodded, still not lifting his head. His appetite was gone now. He felt bad for not eating what Choutarou had made for him, but the very thought of eating was making his stomach turn now. He’d broken down in front of one of his pets; one of the DC; one of his friends. And he hated himself for it. Hated himself for being so weak that he was so willing to just give up. “I’m sorry, Kaji,” he murmured. The dog just whimpered in reply and pawed at his master’s lap. “I should’ve done something... I should’ve tried harder to help him... If I hadn’t have just stood there and watched this wouldn’t have happened...”
Slowly Choutarou went back to the bag and really next to it was his violin case. Carefully he took it and went to a spare room that seemed like the living room. He hated himself for pushing Shishido away, but he just couldn’t talk about what happened yesterday... not yet. He just had to calm himself down so he could think straight again. The music always has helped him and he just hoped it would help him this time as well.
As if in trance Choutarou checked if the violin was in tune and then put it up to his chin, starting to play. But he didn’t played for long. It sounded horrible. It felt as if somebody ripped out his heart. He couldn’t play. His Grandfather had been right. The music was the mirror to your soul. His soul was stained, and so was his music. He was so angry and scared of himself that he wanted to throw the Violin away, he wanted to break it so he would never be able to play again. He didn’t want to hear that ever again. But at the same moment he couldn’t do anything to the Violin. It was his grandfather’s. So instead of throwing the instrument through the room he just cried out and collapsed on the ground crying.
Shishido chewed on his lip as he just listened to Choutarou. It was easy to hear every little thing when they were the only two around. After a moment, Shishido let go of Kaji and pushed the dog away towards the door. “Go see him,” he murmured, not looking at the dog. Kaji hesitated but after another push or two, finally gave in and did as he was told. He slowly left the kitchen and headed towards Choutarou, his tail hanging between his legs. After reaching the boy. he lay down in front of him, nudging at a hand with his nose.
Shishido didn’t move from the floor, instead just staring down at it. His eyes were slightly red where he’d been fighting back tears. He couldn’t bring himself to stand up, still trying to process Choutarou’s words. He knew they were true. They had to be true. Choutarou had never lied to him before. At least, not about something like this. He was supposed to be proving the other, old princes wrong. He was just disappointing Kamakari-san if he was going to give up so easily like this... Taking a slow, deep breath in, Shishido slowly lifted his head and fixed his gaze on the door.
Choutarou just lay there, the violin pushed away from him, he didn’t want to see it again, and cried like the world was dying. And it was... for him. He had lost his two most precious possessions in two days. First he lost Aki, the only remembrance of Tsukasa and now he lost the thing that made him at least a bit special, the music. What should he do now? He has lost everything. Nothing was left. He didn’t even noticed Kaji and didn’t moved a bit. he just lay there and cried.
Kaji whimpered and pressed his nose against Choutarou’s neck this time before curling up right against him, nudging at his hand again. He pawed at it as well, only stopping when he heard footsteps. The dog glanced towards the door to Shishido before moving to sit at his feet.
The prince reached down to pat the dog’s head before stepping away, towards the other boy. He knelt down beside him and, with some difficulty, lifted Choutarou’s head into his lap. “Choutarou,” he murmured, leaning forward as far as he could and closing his eyes, one hand running through the other’s hair. “It’s okay, Choutarou... It’ll be okay.”
As Choutarou was lifted in Shishido’s lap he just wrapped the arms around the other boy and cried even harder. For a moment he wished he could just die. How should he live on without music? It was the only thing people were interested in when it came to him. It was the only thing his parents were interested in. Nothing else that he did ever caught their attention.
“No....”, he cried as Shishido said everything would be okay. “no... nothing’s okay... I can’t..... I... I can’t play anymore... I just can’t....”, he cried and just buried his face even deeper in Shishido’s lap.
Shishido hushed him softly, combing his hand through Choutarou’s hair. “You can play. Maybe not right now, but you can,” he assured him. Opening his eyes slightly he looked down at him and gave a weak smile. Closing his eyes again, he leaned down and softly kissed the back of Choutarou’s head, rocking him slightly. “I promise, Choutarou. Everything’s going to be okay.” He hoped.
Choutarou wanted to shake his head but he didn’t have the strength. “No... it’s just... just like grandpa said... you.. you can’t play with...without a pure...heart.... I... I can’t play anymore.. I’m scared... I’m so scared.....”
“Your grandpa’s an idiot,” It was something that was easy for Shishido to say. He had no issue with insulting anyone, no matter who they were. “You don’t need a pure heart to play. You just need an honest heart.” The hand not running through Choutarou’s hair began rubbing his back slowly. “Music is about expressing emotion without words. If you had to be pure hearted... where does the music about death come from? Music that just listening to makes you want to lock yourself away.” He pressed his lips against the back of Choutarou’s neck, brushing against skin as he talked. “It’s a form of release, Choutarou... if you play, you unleash those feelings and you can free yourself from them... You can’t be scared. Life’s too short to be scared of anything. So... will you play for me? Please. Just pick up your violin and play. Just play.”
The tears had stopped and as Choutarou heard what Shishido said about his grandfather he got angry. “Don’t.... don’t you dare call him an idiot!”, he said as he finally got up again, staring at Shishido with damp cheeks and a deep pain in his eyes. “You know nothing about him! He was the best man I ever knew! Don’t you dare to insult him!”, he almost yelled and just struck Shishido’s chest. But there was no strength behind the punches so it was totally harmless for the other boy. “And I told you I can’t.... I don’t want to hear that ever again.”
“So you’re just gonna to become what they call you? A pathetic, wimpy fag who doesn’t belong in the DC or near me?” Shishido knew he was being harsh, but really, it seemed to be the only way to get through to him. “I like you, Choutarou. You’re a good friend to me. But if you’re just going to give up like this... just throw in the towel without fighting tooth and nail for what you think is right - not what your grandpa says is right, what you think is right - then why should I bother trying to help you? I can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped.” Even if he was being harsh with his words, he was still kind with his actions, his hand still running through Choutarou’s hair slowly. “This isn’t the Choutarou I know. The Choutarou I know wouldn’t just throw away something he loves so easily. He would do everything in his power to keep what he loved. What about Tsukasa, Choutarou? Would you want him to see you like this, so ready to just give everything up? No part of me believes he gave up. He was fighting until the end. Shouldn’t you be doing the same? Or would you rather just give up and risk disappointing him?”
“There is no room left for me near you”, was the only thing Choutarou said before he just brushed away the drying tear trails. “Yeah... you say you like me... but you still love him more! I always knew I am a wimp and I’m sorry if it bothers you that I’m a fag but I just can’t stop loving you because of that. I always tried to please the people around me, my parents, the teachers, the boys who said were my friends. I tried to please them all. I’m tired... I’m just tired of it all. I just can’t go on anymore. Not like this”, he rasped and just hanged his head. “I don’t have the strength to fight...” At the thought of Tsukasa he almost started crying again.
Shishido opened his mouth to say something but then stopped as it registered in his mind just what Choutarou had said. He stared at the other boy blankly for a long moment before his eyebrows furrowed in thought. “Did you just....” He trailed off with a murmur. He just... said he loved me? He continued to stare for a long minute as he processed that thought before he shook his head to clear it. He could think about that later. Right now, he had more important things to do.
“Choutarou, you’re being stupid,” he said simply. “You don’t have to please anyone... It doesn’t matter what anyone thinks about you. As long as you’re happy with yourself. Seriously. Forget everyone else for just a second. Think about what you want. What makes you happy.” He sighed briefly before pulling him into a tight hug, closing his eyes. “I decided how much room is left near me. And there’s plenty of room for you.”
Confused, questioning Choutarou looked up again, was surprised as Shishido pulled him in a hug. “What... I want?” He couldn’t remember when anybody really asked him what he wanted. It was always ‘you want to be a musician right?’ ‘you want to do this right?’ ‘you want to do that right?’ and he always had just nodded because if they said it it had to be right. The others had to know it better. “What I want....?”, he asked again, confused. What did he want? What did he really want? Did he really want to become a pianist, or did he just think that because his parents always told him he wanted to be a pianist? He was confused, what should he think? What was right?
Shishido gave a slow nod. “Yes,” he said quietly, pulling back enough that he could see Choutarou’s face. “What do you want? For you. Forget what your parents want... What your grandpa wants or your teachers... Just think about you and what you want to do.” He leaned his forehead against Choutarou’s, staring into his eyes. “Just close your eyes, relax and let your heart speak for you.”
Let his heart speak? What he wants to do? Slowly he closed his eyes though he was scared to see the faces of the guys from yesterday again. What did he want? For a long moment he just sat there, breathed and tried to find out what he really wanted. But no matter how long he thought about it, he always came to the same result. He wanted to play. He loved to play music, it was the only thing he really knew. So he suddenly opened his eyes again and looked directly in Shishido’s eyes. “You really think I could play again, despite what I have done?”, he asked almost scared.
“The only thing that will ever stop you from playing music is yourself,” Shishido said quietly. “If you tell yourself you can’t play... then you can’t. But if you tell yourself you can, then you can. It’s mind over matter, Choutarou.”
Choutarou looked down to his hands, with which he had beaten five guys until they had been unconscious. How should he play beautiful music with these hands? He was so scared to find out about it that his hands began to tremble.
Shishido watched him for a moment before looking down at Choutarou’s hands. Without a word, he grabbed a hold of them with his own, squeezing them softly. “You can do it, Choutarou,” he whispered.
Slowly he nodded at Shishido’s words. He wasn’t really confident himself but he had to try... for Shishido. He tried so hard to help him that he just had to try. So he grabbed the violin bow and looked for the violin that he had more or less thrown away as he had broken down. It lay a bit away in a corner but seemed undamaged, thank god. He would never have been able to forgive himself if the violin had broken.
The prince pulled away from him as he seemed to be getting ready to play. Shishido didn’t say anything and just watched him, not wanting to distract him. He felt bad for what he had said, the insults and all, but he was glad that something had finally gotten through to Choutarou and was getting him to try again.
Slowly Choutarou got up to get the violin. He was a bit instable and just decided that it was the best to sit down again as he had the instrument. He didn’t want to suddenly fall. As he sat again he looked almost scared at Shishido before he put the Violin at this chin again. His hands were still trembling as he began to play. he didn’t really knew what he was playing he just felt the fear and the anger well up again that he had felt yesterday.
Shishido shifted a little closer as Choutarou began to play before sitting beside him. He placed a hand on the other’s knee and closed his eyes, just listening. He didn’t say anything, though the music did make him frown a little. He hoped this would work. He knew absolutely nothing about music and had just made most of the stuff up off the top of his head.
Choutarou didn’t even noticed that Shishido sat next to him but just continued playing and eventually began to cry. Everything seemed to come back. As he finally put down the Violin again he realized that Shishido sat next to him and just leaned over to bury his face in Shishido’s lap again and cried again. But this time it was different. This time it wasn’t desperate but just …. sad.
With a weak smile, Shishido ran a hand into Choutarou’s hair on the side of his head and leaned forward. He leaned his forehead against Choutarou’s head closed his eyes, murmuring small nothings of, “it’ll be okay” and “it’s alright” along with soft hushes.
It took a long time before Choutarou stopped crying again but this time he actually felt better. Perhaps Shishido-san had been right and the music really helped him. But it had hurt so much.
“Thank you”, was the only thing he murmured.
What: Shishido tries to help Chou
When: Friday Morning Nov. 26th
Where: Shishido's house
Rating: PG-13
It was warm, and it was furry. What was that? Choutarou was confused but as he finally opened his eyes he saw brown fur. It was Kaji who had rolled up beside him. Right Shishido had brought him to his house because.... he felt a lump in his throat as he remembered what had happened the day before. How could he have done that? Even if Aki was so precious it didn’t justify his actions.
Slowly the boy sat up and stretched. It seemed as if it was still early, the sun wasn’t even up. As he stood up the Boy saw that somebody lay in the bed. Of course it was Shishido, who else should it be? He looked so innocent, almost vulnerable in his sleep. He was so beautiful. Carefully Choutarou sat down on the edge of Shishido’s bed and just watched him a long time. He brushed away a stray strand of hair that lay on Shishido’s face and then carefully not to wake him, leaned forward to place an innocent, gentle kiss on the lips of his mentor.
Quickly he stood up again, feeling how he blushed. He was so thankful for everything that Shishido had done for him, especially for yesterday. He didn’t want to know what would have happened without him and Kaji. “Thank you …....I love you”, he breathed and left the room, to go to the kitchen. On the way he found a Bag, that was filled with some of his clothes, so he could at least put on a boxer shorts and a jeans before he went to the kitchen to make some breakfast.
When Shishido stirred, it was with a soft groan. He rolled onto his side into the wall, curling up for a moment before he lifted his head, slowly opening his eyes. He dropped his head back down again and rolled onto his back, stretched and rubbed his eyes then sat up. He slumped forward slightly and covered a wide yawn with a hand which he then used to wipe his eyes again. Smacking his lips he glanced to the side of his bed and blinked.
There was an empty futon... Why was there a futon on his floor...? He stared at it blankly for a moment, head tilted slightly, before his eyes widened in realization. Right. Choutarou. The previous day’s events came rushing back to him and he lay back down, staring at his ceiling. Then sat straight up again as something occurred to him.
“Shit, where is he?” He murmured as he climbed out of bed and, just in his boxers, looked around the room before heading out of it, worried. “Choutarou?”
Choutarou was almost done with a traditional Japanese breakfast, as he heard Shishido-san calling him. So he stepped out in the corridor. “Shishido-san. I hope I didn’t wake you. But you are almost on time. just a few moments and the breakfast is ready”, he said as casual as possible. He didn’t want to worry his mentor more then necessary and also had he to hide how.... much he liked the view. Shishido wore just his boxers after all.
Shishido blinked and just stared at Choutarou for a moment, unable to say anything. His brain was still waking up and was slow in processing things. He wasn’t just staring at the topless guy standing in front of him. Well... maybe a little. But only to check the guy for injuries from yesterday’s fight. “U-Um... o... kay,” he said when he finally got his mouth to work again. His brain was still trying to catch up. “What’d you make?”
“Uhm... I didn’t know what you would like so I just made a Japanese breakfast. I hope you don’t mind. I still can make you something else if you want”, the boy said with a sheepish smile what quickly vanished again. he didn’t really feel like smiling. “I hope everything is alright... With the DC I mean....”
“Ah, no. That’s fine. Thank you, Choutarou,” Shishido blinked again and shook his head. He ran his hand through his hair then pulled out the hair tie he always put in before sleeping - it kept his hair nice and neat and stopped it from fluffing up while he slept. “Ah... yeah... DC’s fine. I think... I’ll check later.” First, food. Hell, he didn’t really care what it was. The guy could be serving him Kaji’s wet food for all he cared. “....Wh-Where’s Kaji?”
“Then it is okay. Why don’t you take a shower and get dressed and I’ll finish the breakfast”, Choutarou suggested with a nod as he heard that everything seemed fine.
“Uhm when I got up he lay next to me on the futon and I didn’t see him since then”, he said then as Shishido asked about Kaji.
The prince gave a slow nod. “He’ll... be around,” It wasn’t like Kaji would stray very far from him unless he had smelled trouble - which Shishido would’ve known about considering the dog would’ve started causing a racket - or if his master told him to. His last command to the dog had been to stick with Choutarou so... He wasn’t too worried. “I’ll.. go have a shower then.”
“Hai Shishido-san”, he said and then got back in the kitchen to finish the breakfast for them. While he heard the water running in the bathroom, suddenly the kitchen door opened and Kaji strolled in. “Ah there you are. Shishido-san was already worried”, Choutarou said and ruffled the dogs head. “Are you hungry? Of course you’re hungry.” So he quickly filled the dog bowls with water and some food for Kaji. “Here”, he put them both down and smile at the Doberman.
In the bathroom, Shishido closed and locked the door behind him and filled the sink with water. He splashed in his face before just dipping his whole head into it then pulled his hair back again when he lifted his head to look in the mirror. “Come on, Ryou,” he murmured, leaning his hands on the edge of the sink. After a long moment, he sighed and kicked off his boxers before turning the shower on. He felt like a bath more than anything, but if Choutarou had made breakfast and it was almost ready, then it would be rude to keep him waiting.
For a long moment he just watched Kaji before he went back to their own breakfast. The fish and rice were ready, the eggrolls also, just the Miso soup needed a moment but it would be done when Shishido would come back, he was sure. So he put the different bowls and chopsticks in the table and sat down himself, laying his head in the table. He had so much to think about but he just couldn’t think straight at all.
Even if he hadn’t wanted to keep Choutarou waiting, Shishido took his time in washing his hair. He was meticulous about it, making sure it was perfectly done. After he had finished his hair, he just stood in the spray of the water for a long moment and close his eyes, just trying to relax and not think too much on anything. His mind was a mess but at least he wasn’t tired now like he had been the day before when he had been trying to sort things out.
With a sigh, he turned the water off and squeezed the water from his hair before wrapping a towel around his waist. Out of habit, he didn’t even bother to dry himself off and instead grabbed another towel and started drying his hair as he left the bathroom, making his way to the kitchen.
Choutarou had closed his eyes a bit as he waited for Shishido to come back again. So he was a bit startled as he heard the bathroom door open suddenly and sat up. He wanted to say something as Shishido entered the room but as he saw the other man he his mind went totally blank. Shishido-san looked too gorgeous to be allowed. The poor boy felt how heat welled up and out of panic he stood up, not really knowing what he actually was doing.
“Ah... uh.. the... the breakfast... is ready”, he stuttered more than he said and quickly turned around to get the soup. Well done Choutarou just make a total fool of yourself. Shishido-san will love you for it for sure he thought depressed as he put the food in the table.
Shishido blinked at Choutarou’s reaction and, his face blank, just gave a slow nod. “I’ll.. go get dressed then,” he said slowly before he turned and headed out of the room. He returned not too long later, dressed in denim shorts and a t-shirt and took a seat at the table, looking over the food. “This looks... really good, Choutarou.” He said with a smile. “Thanks for this.”
“Ha... hai Shishido-san”, he murmured as the other boy vanished to get dressed. It was just as Shishido had closed the door behind him that Choutarou just collapsed on the ground and buried his face in his arms. “I’m so pathetic Kaji. Even a bug has more courage than me. How comes that I can kiss Atsushi but can’t even look straight at Shishido when he isn’t fully dressed?”, he sighed and looked at the dog as if he wanted to cry. But he should better get up again and pull himself together again. Shishido-san would be back soon.
So he sat on the table as Shishido-came back just moments later. “You’re welcome Shishido-san. It is just natural, you saved me after all...”
Shishido picked up his chopsticks and paused, resting his arm against the edge of the table as he looked at the other. “It wasn’t me, Choutarou,” he said quietly, glancing at the dog. “If it wasn’t for Kaji, I wouldn’t have known you were anywhere nearby, let alone in trouble. And... I just stood back and watched...” He sighed and looked down at the food. “Kaji’s the one who saved you. I just... didn’t even try to do anything.”
Choutarou felt a lump in his throat. “But... you didn’t have to take me with you... You could have just called the DC... And I already thanked Kaji....”, he murmured and just poked his rice staring at the table.
“I couldn’t just leave you there. I saw what those guys were doing,” Shishido sighed and dropped his chopsticks on the table, sitting back in his seat to rub his face. He dragged his hands up into his hair as he breathed out slowly. “You’re DC before you’re a pet and you’re a friend before you’re DC... I do what I can to help my friends.”
Choutarou just nodded not knowing what to answer to that. He felt happy that he was a friend but at the same moment he just wanted to cry. He felt miserable. So he just continued to poke his rice, ignoring the fact that it was something that you could eat.
Shishido glanced at Choutarou and gave a small frown. After a moment of not saying anything, he quietly stood up from his seat and shifted behind Choutarou’s. He stared the other’s back for a moment before leaning forward and wrapping his arm’s tightly around the guy’s torso. He rested his cheek against Choutarou’s shoulder, closing his eyes. “I’m always gonna be here for you, Choutarou... That I can guarantee. No matter what you need.”
The taller boy just winced as he felt the arms around him. How could he actually tell Shishido how he felt? That he felt so dirty, that he was scared of himself, of what he had done. He didn’t want to talk about it. He really didn’t want to. “Ne... did you find the answer? I mean... about the thing with Kamakari-sama?”, he asked therefore almost silent. He had to distract Shishido-san so he wouldn’t ask questions that could hurt him.
“Uh... yeah... I did,” Shishido murmured, letting the other guy go. The wince had worried him. Like he had hurt him. Choutarou hadn’t pushed him away, though, so Shishido wasn’t quite sure what to think. He didn’t move from where he was standing behind him, though, just staying quiet for a moment. Eventually, he reached out a hand and placed it on Choutarou’s arm softly. “I’m sorry,” he murmured, voice barely audible. “If I had been paying better attention... maybe I could’ve...no. I definitely could’ve stopped them before it got this far...”
Choutarou just nodded. “I hope it was the answer you wanted”, he just said still staring into thin air. But then as Shishido spoke again and lay a hand on his arm he winced even harder and just covered his ears. “Don’t... just don’t...” He didn’t want to remember what happened. He just wanted to pretend that Aki still lay in his bag, that nothing had happened. He knew that he couldn’t, that he had to face it but... he just didn’t want to admit it.
Shishido dropped his hand at the wince as though it had been burned. He chew the inside of his lower lip then crouched down where he had been standing, beckoning Kaji towards him. He grabbed a handful of the dog’s fur and buried his face against Kaji’s neck. “I don’t know what you want from me,” he murmured, his voice shaking. “I want to help... but I can’t when you don’t let me in... I just want to see you smile because it’s so much easier when people are smiling. I’m scared... that I’m not going to be able to clean this up and I don’t know what to do... I don’t want to disappoint Kamakari-san but I don’t know what to do without him.” He squeezed his eyes shut, wrapping his arms tightly around the dog’s neck. “They were all right... I’m the wrong choice for this... I can’t do this...”
Choutarou just buried his face in his arms as he felt how tears welled up. Silent he listened Shishido and it hurt him more than any punch or kick. “Don’t....”, he said hoarsely, “Don’t say that... You aren’t the wrong choice.... You always told me to not think so low if myself so stop thinking so of yourself. You are a great Prince, everybody in the DC thinks so. If they didn’t they wouldn’t have wanted me to stay away from you. They didn’t want you to bother with somebody like me, because they look up to you.” It took him so much strength to say that. “I wouldn’t want to be trained under a different Prince.”
Shishido stayed silent for a moment, shaking as he clung to his dog. He knew he had said that Kaji was Choutarou’s until he could return Aki, but dammit, he need the comfort right now. The dog was just supporting him and nuzzling him with his cheek and the prince didn’t want to let go. He just listened to what Choutarou said and let the words sink in. “I just want to help...” he murmured finally, not lifting his head.
“I..... know... but I can’t … not yet”, Choutarou whispered hoarsely and just couldn’t look at the smaller boy. He feared to break entirely if he did. “I.... need some time.. did you.. did you bring my violin?”, he asked carefully
The prince nodded but didn’t lift his head. “With your bag,” he murmured. He had made sure it was one of the first things he’d grabbed from Choutarou’s room when he gone there to collect some things for the boy for while he stayed with him.
Choutarou nodded slowly. “Thank you..... I... I’ll go and play a bit. That will help me hopefully. You should eat something”, he said as he stood up and went to the door. Just as he wanted to leave the room he turned his head slightly, still not looking at the other boy. “Thank you.....”
Shishido just nodded, still not lifting his head. His appetite was gone now. He felt bad for not eating what Choutarou had made for him, but the very thought of eating was making his stomach turn now. He’d broken down in front of one of his pets; one of the DC; one of his friends. And he hated himself for it. Hated himself for being so weak that he was so willing to just give up. “I’m sorry, Kaji,” he murmured. The dog just whimpered in reply and pawed at his master’s lap. “I should’ve done something... I should’ve tried harder to help him... If I hadn’t have just stood there and watched this wouldn’t have happened...”
Slowly Choutarou went back to the bag and really next to it was his violin case. Carefully he took it and went to a spare room that seemed like the living room. He hated himself for pushing Shishido away, but he just couldn’t talk about what happened yesterday... not yet. He just had to calm himself down so he could think straight again. The music always has helped him and he just hoped it would help him this time as well.
As if in trance Choutarou checked if the violin was in tune and then put it up to his chin, starting to play. But he didn’t played for long. It sounded horrible. It felt as if somebody ripped out his heart. He couldn’t play. His Grandfather had been right. The music was the mirror to your soul. His soul was stained, and so was his music. He was so angry and scared of himself that he wanted to throw the Violin away, he wanted to break it so he would never be able to play again. He didn’t want to hear that ever again. But at the same moment he couldn’t do anything to the Violin. It was his grandfather’s. So instead of throwing the instrument through the room he just cried out and collapsed on the ground crying.
Shishido chewed on his lip as he just listened to Choutarou. It was easy to hear every little thing when they were the only two around. After a moment, Shishido let go of Kaji and pushed the dog away towards the door. “Go see him,” he murmured, not looking at the dog. Kaji hesitated but after another push or two, finally gave in and did as he was told. He slowly left the kitchen and headed towards Choutarou, his tail hanging between his legs. After reaching the boy. he lay down in front of him, nudging at a hand with his nose.
Shishido didn’t move from the floor, instead just staring down at it. His eyes were slightly red where he’d been fighting back tears. He couldn’t bring himself to stand up, still trying to process Choutarou’s words. He knew they were true. They had to be true. Choutarou had never lied to him before. At least, not about something like this. He was supposed to be proving the other, old princes wrong. He was just disappointing Kamakari-san if he was going to give up so easily like this... Taking a slow, deep breath in, Shishido slowly lifted his head and fixed his gaze on the door.
Choutarou just lay there, the violin pushed away from him, he didn’t want to see it again, and cried like the world was dying. And it was... for him. He had lost his two most precious possessions in two days. First he lost Aki, the only remembrance of Tsukasa and now he lost the thing that made him at least a bit special, the music. What should he do now? He has lost everything. Nothing was left. He didn’t even noticed Kaji and didn’t moved a bit. he just lay there and cried.
Kaji whimpered and pressed his nose against Choutarou’s neck this time before curling up right against him, nudging at his hand again. He pawed at it as well, only stopping when he heard footsteps. The dog glanced towards the door to Shishido before moving to sit at his feet.
The prince reached down to pat the dog’s head before stepping away, towards the other boy. He knelt down beside him and, with some difficulty, lifted Choutarou’s head into his lap. “Choutarou,” he murmured, leaning forward as far as he could and closing his eyes, one hand running through the other’s hair. “It’s okay, Choutarou... It’ll be okay.”
As Choutarou was lifted in Shishido’s lap he just wrapped the arms around the other boy and cried even harder. For a moment he wished he could just die. How should he live on without music? It was the only thing people were interested in when it came to him. It was the only thing his parents were interested in. Nothing else that he did ever caught their attention.
“No....”, he cried as Shishido said everything would be okay. “no... nothing’s okay... I can’t..... I... I can’t play anymore... I just can’t....”, he cried and just buried his face even deeper in Shishido’s lap.
Shishido hushed him softly, combing his hand through Choutarou’s hair. “You can play. Maybe not right now, but you can,” he assured him. Opening his eyes slightly he looked down at him and gave a weak smile. Closing his eyes again, he leaned down and softly kissed the back of Choutarou’s head, rocking him slightly. “I promise, Choutarou. Everything’s going to be okay.” He hoped.
Choutarou wanted to shake his head but he didn’t have the strength. “No... it’s just... just like grandpa said... you.. you can’t play with...without a pure...heart.... I... I can’t play anymore.. I’m scared... I’m so scared.....”
“Your grandpa’s an idiot,” It was something that was easy for Shishido to say. He had no issue with insulting anyone, no matter who they were. “You don’t need a pure heart to play. You just need an honest heart.” The hand not running through Choutarou’s hair began rubbing his back slowly. “Music is about expressing emotion without words. If you had to be pure hearted... where does the music about death come from? Music that just listening to makes you want to lock yourself away.” He pressed his lips against the back of Choutarou’s neck, brushing against skin as he talked. “It’s a form of release, Choutarou... if you play, you unleash those feelings and you can free yourself from them... You can’t be scared. Life’s too short to be scared of anything. So... will you play for me? Please. Just pick up your violin and play. Just play.”
The tears had stopped and as Choutarou heard what Shishido said about his grandfather he got angry. “Don’t.... don’t you dare call him an idiot!”, he said as he finally got up again, staring at Shishido with damp cheeks and a deep pain in his eyes. “You know nothing about him! He was the best man I ever knew! Don’t you dare to insult him!”, he almost yelled and just struck Shishido’s chest. But there was no strength behind the punches so it was totally harmless for the other boy. “And I told you I can’t.... I don’t want to hear that ever again.”
“So you’re just gonna to become what they call you? A pathetic, wimpy fag who doesn’t belong in the DC or near me?” Shishido knew he was being harsh, but really, it seemed to be the only way to get through to him. “I like you, Choutarou. You’re a good friend to me. But if you’re just going to give up like this... just throw in the towel without fighting tooth and nail for what you think is right - not what your grandpa says is right, what you think is right - then why should I bother trying to help you? I can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped.” Even if he was being harsh with his words, he was still kind with his actions, his hand still running through Choutarou’s hair slowly. “This isn’t the Choutarou I know. The Choutarou I know wouldn’t just throw away something he loves so easily. He would do everything in his power to keep what he loved. What about Tsukasa, Choutarou? Would you want him to see you like this, so ready to just give everything up? No part of me believes he gave up. He was fighting until the end. Shouldn’t you be doing the same? Or would you rather just give up and risk disappointing him?”
“There is no room left for me near you”, was the only thing Choutarou said before he just brushed away the drying tear trails. “Yeah... you say you like me... but you still love him more! I always knew I am a wimp and I’m sorry if it bothers you that I’m a fag but I just can’t stop loving you because of that. I always tried to please the people around me, my parents, the teachers, the boys who said were my friends. I tried to please them all. I’m tired... I’m just tired of it all. I just can’t go on anymore. Not like this”, he rasped and just hanged his head. “I don’t have the strength to fight...” At the thought of Tsukasa he almost started crying again.
Shishido opened his mouth to say something but then stopped as it registered in his mind just what Choutarou had said. He stared at the other boy blankly for a long moment before his eyebrows furrowed in thought. “Did you just....” He trailed off with a murmur. He just... said he loved me? He continued to stare for a long minute as he processed that thought before he shook his head to clear it. He could think about that later. Right now, he had more important things to do.
“Choutarou, you’re being stupid,” he said simply. “You don’t have to please anyone... It doesn’t matter what anyone thinks about you. As long as you’re happy with yourself. Seriously. Forget everyone else for just a second. Think about what you want. What makes you happy.” He sighed briefly before pulling him into a tight hug, closing his eyes. “I decided how much room is left near me. And there’s plenty of room for you.”
Confused, questioning Choutarou looked up again, was surprised as Shishido pulled him in a hug. “What... I want?” He couldn’t remember when anybody really asked him what he wanted. It was always ‘you want to be a musician right?’ ‘you want to do this right?’ ‘you want to do that right?’ and he always had just nodded because if they said it it had to be right. The others had to know it better. “What I want....?”, he asked again, confused. What did he want? What did he really want? Did he really want to become a pianist, or did he just think that because his parents always told him he wanted to be a pianist? He was confused, what should he think? What was right?
Shishido gave a slow nod. “Yes,” he said quietly, pulling back enough that he could see Choutarou’s face. “What do you want? For you. Forget what your parents want... What your grandpa wants or your teachers... Just think about you and what you want to do.” He leaned his forehead against Choutarou’s, staring into his eyes. “Just close your eyes, relax and let your heart speak for you.”
Let his heart speak? What he wants to do? Slowly he closed his eyes though he was scared to see the faces of the guys from yesterday again. What did he want? For a long moment he just sat there, breathed and tried to find out what he really wanted. But no matter how long he thought about it, he always came to the same result. He wanted to play. He loved to play music, it was the only thing he really knew. So he suddenly opened his eyes again and looked directly in Shishido’s eyes. “You really think I could play again, despite what I have done?”, he asked almost scared.
“The only thing that will ever stop you from playing music is yourself,” Shishido said quietly. “If you tell yourself you can’t play... then you can’t. But if you tell yourself you can, then you can. It’s mind over matter, Choutarou.”
Choutarou looked down to his hands, with which he had beaten five guys until they had been unconscious. How should he play beautiful music with these hands? He was so scared to find out about it that his hands began to tremble.
Shishido watched him for a moment before looking down at Choutarou’s hands. Without a word, he grabbed a hold of them with his own, squeezing them softly. “You can do it, Choutarou,” he whispered.
Slowly he nodded at Shishido’s words. He wasn’t really confident himself but he had to try... for Shishido. He tried so hard to help him that he just had to try. So he grabbed the violin bow and looked for the violin that he had more or less thrown away as he had broken down. It lay a bit away in a corner but seemed undamaged, thank god. He would never have been able to forgive himself if the violin had broken.
The prince pulled away from him as he seemed to be getting ready to play. Shishido didn’t say anything and just watched him, not wanting to distract him. He felt bad for what he had said, the insults and all, but he was glad that something had finally gotten through to Choutarou and was getting him to try again.
Slowly Choutarou got up to get the violin. He was a bit instable and just decided that it was the best to sit down again as he had the instrument. He didn’t want to suddenly fall. As he sat again he looked almost scared at Shishido before he put the Violin at this chin again. His hands were still trembling as he began to play. he didn’t really knew what he was playing he just felt the fear and the anger well up again that he had felt yesterday.
Shishido shifted a little closer as Choutarou began to play before sitting beside him. He placed a hand on the other’s knee and closed his eyes, just listening. He didn’t say anything, though the music did make him frown a little. He hoped this would work. He knew absolutely nothing about music and had just made most of the stuff up off the top of his head.
Choutarou didn’t even noticed that Shishido sat next to him but just continued playing and eventually began to cry. Everything seemed to come back. As he finally put down the Violin again he realized that Shishido sat next to him and just leaned over to bury his face in Shishido’s lap again and cried again. But this time it was different. This time it wasn’t desperate but just …. sad.
With a weak smile, Shishido ran a hand into Choutarou’s hair on the side of his head and leaned forward. He leaned his forehead against Choutarou’s head closed his eyes, murmuring small nothings of, “it’ll be okay” and “it’s alright” along with soft hushes.
It took a long time before Choutarou stopped crying again but this time he actually felt better. Perhaps Shishido-san had been right and the music really helped him. But it had hurt so much.
“Thank you”, was the only thing he murmured.