The Carnival is Over

[sehlatbear]

Leonard had agreed with Jim, had hustled Spock - undignified! - away from the theatre, Jim and Leonard on either side of him though he assured them he was fine, and to the public transit stop at the end of the block. The public transportation system was, as could only have been expected, efficient and safe. It was not the Vulcan way to comment on

Comments

[original_fine]

Jim sat down, tucking one leg under him so he could face Spock squarely, a hand on his arm. He could feel that Spock was recovered, somewhat, but a glance at McCoy told him that he wasn't alone in letting it go at that. In fact, in true doctorly fashion, McCoy was getting Spock a glass of water--and himself and Jim glasses of something nicer.

Jim reached for Spock's hand and squeezed.

"I know you don't like to think about it," he said quietly, "but I think we have to, Spock. Just a little."

He trusted these men with his life. More than ever. But he also had to think about what it meant for Spock to be this affected by such stimuli, by his exposure to danger. Maybe it wasn't healthy, but he knew he could tuck away his reactions for later--he wasn't sure if he was doing that now, for Spock's sake, or not, but it did mean he could act. He knew that in need, Spock could, too. But he hated feeling the turmoil of Spock's thoughts and emotions, knowing not even his presence could wholly allay it.

[m1nt_julep]

Leonard passed Spock the glass of water, keeping hold of it until he was sure the Vulcan's fingers had a good enough grip not to drop it. He offered Jim the second glass of bourbon he'd poured before taking his own seat at a little more distance, so he could look at Spock full on.

"Now, I've been thinking about that whole situation. And I know you said it was logical at the time and you'll defend your entire green-blooded species before you'll admit that woman wasn't logical. But Spock, she set you up, logic or not."

If Spock ought to hate anyone for that whole debacle it was T'Pring, not himself.

[sehlatbear]

Spock sipped the water and organized his thoughts. He truly was well. The shock had... It had compromised him with unexpected strength.

"Whether or not it was a 'set-up,' in your terms, Leonard, is not the issue. Nor is Jim's successful survival of the encounter. Neither of these factors negate that I murdered him."

[original_fine]

Jim had his own, less-than-charitable opinions about T'Pring that Spock knew well enough, and he bit them back.

"Maybe the fact that you were under the unalterable influence of your own biology doesn't negate that, either, but it was not you who engineered the encounter, or chose me as champion, or let it go on without either Bones or I knowing the score. And you didn't ring that biological fact with so much secrecy and ritual that not even you could have predicted what would happen. Spock, it wasn't your fault. I understand that viscerally, you feel it. I do too, but I know that wasn't you. And just as we can't change what happened--nor would I--it doesn't change who or what we are now. It's not you I was ever upset at. Nor should you be."

It was too much to ask, of course. Jim knew that. He knew how he'd feel if it had been him--intimately. And Gary hadn't come back. But what should matter was that he was here.

[sehlatbear]

Leonard was nursing his drink and watching them. Spock appreciated his silence - though it would not last, that was not Leonard's way. Spock's voice was quiet when he spoke at last, addressed Jim's ringing conviction.

"It is gratifying that you are capable of feeling that, Jim. I am... perhaps less accomplished in these matters. It is unacceptable to think that I am capable of such actions, regardless of biology."

It was similar to his realization in that cold cave, the taste of meat fresh on his tongue.

[m1nt_julep]

Zarabeth. Leonard might not be as practiced as Jim but even he could pick up that image from Spock. He put his drink on the side table, leaned forward.

"You listen to me, you stubborn Vulcan. It's not a personal failing to have feelings - it doesn't make you a savage. Hell, I'm surprised your whole species hasn't gone mad trying to cope with the kind of suppression you practice."

[original_fine]

Jim raised his eyebrows. There was his Bones, to the rescue as always, his harsh tone warmed by the care you didn't need a mental link to see.

"Spock," he said again. "I've done things I'm not proud of. I've done things I wish I hadn't had to. But you and Bones have never let me do anything wrong that I couldn't take back. Maybe that's why we're all here--maybe that's why you chose us. I didn't die because you chose to bring Leonard to Vulcan with you. Because part of you knew you needed him. We needed him. There are some things we can't change. But we can make other plans."

If Spock could not forgive himself, with Jim sitting here alive and forgiving, how could Jim forgive himself anything?

[sehlatbear]

"I have many plans, Jim."

It was not so simple to let it go as all that. Jim was logical. Leonard also, somewhat surprisingly. But the truth remained that Spock had not until that moment thought himself capable of so destroying that which he loved. He had restrained himself in the cave, his attraction to Zarabeth fighting with his attraction to an unknowing Leonard. He had thought himself capable of that much at least.

This was fruitless.

"Jim, I was unprepared for such a reminder in such a setting. It will not impact my performance as your first officer."

[m1nt_julep]

Leonard did snort at that, left his drink behind as he moved to push Spock over, made room for himself on the couch with them. Spock seemed to like it when they were all touching - seemed to was actually an understandment, the damn man has his hands all over them whenever he didn't think they were going to berate him for it - so he didn't make all that much room for himself. It was better to sit close and tight up against all that warmth anyway.

"Spock, I don't speak for Jim as you well know but I doubt he's concerned about your job performance at the moment. We're all here, however the hell we managed to make it here, and you need to keep that in mind the next time you get slapped in the face with the past."

[original_fine]

Jim nodded, rubbing Spock's free hand now with his own as he sipped his brandy.

"He's right," he said. "I'm not worried about your job performance, Spock. I'm worried about you." He knew it was fruitless--knew no amount of his prodding would make Spock just give up the past, or absolve him. "I don't like that you carry that around, when I'm right here. When you are responsible for me being here still, hundreds of times over. Including then. I know it's hard. I know. And I know I'd give you the same spiel if something reminded me of... If the same thing happened to me. But we have to try."

[sehlatbear]

Spock sighed again, but he was relaxing against his mates now, more than fine, better than he had been. It was not obvious, even in the privacy of their quarters, how he moved slightly to lean more fully against Leonard or how he turned to open his palm to Jim. But it was unguarded and honest, it was Spock seeking confirmation of their presence in his own shyly physical way.

"I believe it is acceptable to request time." He looked at each of them in turn. "Did we not intend to discuss other things?"

[m1nt_julep]

Spock was trying to change the subject. If that wasn't a human technique for avoiding uncomfortable topics, well, Leonard didn't know what was. But instead of forcing the matter - he understood not wanting to talk about something - he turned until he was leaning against the arm of the sofa and pulled at Spock until they were both facing Jim, Spock's back to Leonard's chest. Spock was bigger, heavier than Leonard and he hadn't thought that through entirely, but it was a comfortable warm weight against him once they got settled.

"Darling, you can have some time with it but don't you think it's going to hold us off for too long."

He looked at Jim over Spock's head, bit the inside of his cheek in thought, then just nodded at him. Jim had always had a knack for knowing what he was thinking, bond or no bond. They'd never needed a mind meld for things like this. Jim got stubborn on a subject but if he kept pushing on this Spock was just going to feel worse.

[original_fine]

Jim smiled slightly, nodding back at McCoy. Vulcan bonds were all very well, but one reason Jim took to it so readily was that it just seemed an extension of what he already had with these men, in different ways. He understood needing time. He understood all of it--didn't mean he didn't have a few double standards. Still. He could let go, when he tried.

"That's right," he said. "We're stubborn, but not that stubborn. So what did you want to talk about, Spock?"

He wasn't going to jump right from pestering Spock about his feelings to pestering McCoy--but if Spock felt like it, he was better able to gauge McCoy's state of mind at this time. It was almost humorous, seeing Bones try to cradle Spock to him like that, but it was sweet, too. So like and unlike the men in public. He was grateful to see this side, that it was only his to see. His palm slid over Spock's, mimicking his earlier movements with McCoy.

[m1nt_julep]

Leonard was damn well aware of how ridiculous he looked and he didn't need that bit of a smirk flirting with Jim's mouth to tell him that. He scowled back at Jim.

Maybe he wouldn't try to repay that blow job after all.

[sehlatbear]

They had planned to speak with Leonard - it had been the initial cause of Spock's concern. But Leonard was rubbing Spock's belly with one hand, as though the human were not even conscious of his own action, and had the other arm wrapped tight and holding Spock to him. The things that had troubled his mate at the theatre were no longer at the forefront of his mind.

Jim's thumb smoothed over the skin on the back of his palm, an electric gesture.

"What did you think of the play?"

[original_fine]

He was quite conscious of his attentions to Spock's hand, though they were slow and deliberate, not an attempt to turn the conversation into something else. His eyes took in McCoy's quiet gestures and he smiled.

"From an entertainment standpoint," he said, "it could have been better. Or maybe I'm just missing the point--it was never my favorite."