It takes more than one person to decide what's fair
A lot happened last Friday and Saturday.
I had lunch with Jenny at Art Circle Cafè last Friday, and I told her about my decision about my MA, about how I'm disappointed with myself, and how I wrote a letter to my professor which I'm not sure whether to send or not. As I was telling her about it, the tears welled up in my eyes and started leaking out. It surprised me because when I was writing the letter last Friday morning, I cried a little too, and I thought that was the end of the crying. It wasn't, apparently. Jenny told me her take on my situation, and I felt so grateful because I was doubting myself, and now Jenny was telling me that I must not have wanted it anyway, because I have a solid work ethic and I don't take my responsibilities lightly.
I wonder if it's healthy to treat my every responsibility like a mountain: no backing out, no counting of the hours before I get through it, just one foot in front of the other and walk. It probably isn't. I'm taking away my agency.
I also told Jenny about my rift with J, and she told me I was resisting something natural. Because the tendency of the universe is oneness, and reconciliation is always the best path to take. And during that moment, I admitted to myself that yes, I was hurt. It hurt being excluded, and sometimes, it still does, even as I tell myself that I'm glad J has found people who understand her and with whom she can spend time after office hours. When K posted that J lent her Ideas of Heaven, that hurt like a bitch because J used to gush about it then refuse to lend it to me. When they both walked the dogs, that hurt like a bitch too because K and I used to make plans to jog with them, but now they're the ones doing it.
Last December (or maybe late November?) I told Jeanne about it, and she said maybe it's because our wavelengths didn't match anymore, and in the future, when our wavelengths match again, we'd be friends again. So what do I do until then? Do I invite the both of them back in my life, like Jenny said? Or do I just do nothing, and reply with civility and accept invitations if extended to me (which is my natural inclination)? I'm not sure I'm ready to invite them back. Then again, there probably is no time to like the present to be ready. I don't know. But I'm not sure I want to offer something that I'm not feeling.
Jenny also asked me, "bakit ka nagbibilang ng binigay mong pagmamahal?" That left me in tears again because I didn't expect it to apply to my current situation. Love transcends romance. Love can be found in friendship. Maybe when two people unite in some way, love is present. It's not only the domain of couples or family. That's probably the most important thing I learned that day.
Universe, thank you for my friends. They show me that I have so much to learn, and every time that I feel complacent about myself, every time that I think I'm okay, I have so much to work on. Extending love and kindness. Healing the hurt parts of me. Really getting in touch with how I feel. It's hard choosing to be a better person. I'm beginning to understand that now.