(no subject)
ok, so oddly enough i feel like writing a blog just about life in general right now. and other than liz (and now becca) im pretty sure noone else still reads this, so im relatively safe, and if i say something that offends you.. sorry but get over it. its my journal and i will say what i please thank you very much.
so i have a lot of history homework (including a test tomorrow.. yes i know something knew.. a test in history) but i just feel like writing, and wasting more of my not so precious time. (oh wait, now i remember i have a flipping history test every flipping time im in that class! no joke)
i finally finished all my essays for english class thank goodness, but i still have oodles of ragtime to do and oodles more of history to do for my exams.i just dont care enough to start them. im so stressed out about SCHOLARSHIPS that i would just rather blow up my head then have to weed through more of them to find 1 that will work for me. sorry, but i just dont care that much to put all the time i have to myself into it. i would rather sit on my fat, out of shape but and eat ice cream and watch tv.i feel like my mind is just running away from everything i need to get done, hence this post, and i just want it to be on track like everyone elses.. or so it seems. im just feeling so worthless right now, and i think im just completely worn out of school. like i was bored with it the end of last year, but im really getting to the stage where im actually excited to get out of school so i can go to work.. warped huh?
i screwed up today when kyle is concerned.. i really hadn't done anything stupid until now. i needed/wanted to talk to kurt about some stuff today, and i did for like 20 or so minutes, because kyle was getting drums and stuff to set up for pep band. i helped him get some of the set over, but didn't feel like walking back over there, honestly i was going to go home but he walked out before i could say goodbye and i didn't wanna run over there, so i waited and then me and kurt got to talking. well kyle came back, but me and kurt were in the middle of the conversation, so i didn't wanna just leave, plus i figured they were talking about drum stuff, and i didn't wanna just stand there and listen.. because i dont really understand all of it, and i can't contribute to the conversation. so i kinda just feel out of place( not with kyle, just with the conversation) so i kept talking to kurt, and it hurt kyle's feelings that i wasn't with him. i didn't mean to.. i didn't even think about it until kurt made the comment that kyle was getting jealous that i was talking to him. well, i didn't think that made sense because kyle trusts me. but obviously i was wrong, because it bothered him and he pretty much gave me the cold shoulder when i left. honestly it kinda pissed me off.. just because he doesn't understand why i get upset when he talks to tiffany and sarah.. isn't it the same thing? i normally dont care, and ive gotten a lot better, but it just seems double standard to me kinda. (((((if your reading this, im not mad so dont worry, im just afraid that i messed something up, and its the last thing that i want to do)))) i just really dont wanna screw anything up. and like the fact that he didn't tell me he was upset just made me worry that if i do something again without realizing it he wont tell me it upset him. like even if i can tell somethings wrong, he'll just act like its not.. like today, he gave me a fake smile when i left ((and yes i could tell it was fake)) just kinda hurts to think he cant tell me when he's upset at me. i dunno. i know im over analizing because he said he's over it and not to worry about it.. but who's he kidding? he worries just as much. ((you do))
so im just completely overwhelmed with life, and im ready to check out. no i dont wanna kill myself, and no i dont want to die. i just wish i could wake up tomorrow wealthy, married and out of school. then ill save the time of trying to find the man thats right for me, even though God will handle that for me i still look.. who doesn't?... and i dont have to worry about school. i can just go to my job that i love and get paid for, come home to my husband and be happy. because right now there are so many aspects of my life that im not happy about. my friends are good, my boyfriends good, but still im just stuck. i dont like it. like i write everything i need to get done in my planner, but when i get home from school im just so tired that i can't even think about doing anything. UHHHHH like i just now realized i didn't fill out the order form for my cap and gown. a bad word just came to my mind, but im omitting it from this entry, because there's no need to say it. if you've actually read this than you can pretty much guess what im thinking right at this moment. i want to take a personal day like kerri, sarah and ashlee took, but i can't because i know ill fall super far behind.
i shouldn't be this stressed about school. i really shouldn't put up with it. i worry myself to death about what... reading a chapter in history and taking a quiz that i couldn't care less about? it rediculous, yet i know ill wind up doing it no matter how long it takes me because i dont want to fall into what people consider a slump. if i fall behind ill hate myself because my grades aren't good, or i dont have all my work in, or i dont get a scholarship, or i dont turn in a stupid order form in on time. why in the world do we do this to ourselves? who rates our success? PEOPLE. just PEOPLE, who have followed the example of PEOPLE before them, who choose what was right and wrong. how crazy does that sound. we work so hard to accomplish something, that honestly is worthless. who cares that i wrote 20 papers last year? noone. not even me. i doubt my teacher even cares. all that work is lost once i graduate. i just move on to something harder thats going to stress me out even more. yet im excited to finally be moving from one hell to another. i feel like i need to evaluate my life. i want to start living for me. not for the government, not for the school, not for anyone else but me (in God's will of course.. im not taking him out of my equation) but its just like i have to follow so many rules that are so stupid. i feel like im one out of like three people in my school that have actually realized how rediculous this whole situation is. and i know that someday ill share this with someone, and they will have a wonderful reason why humans do this. "its because we dont want to put our minds to waste" "dont you want to be able to support a family" "you dont want to have to be working when your in your 70's do you" maybe we're over excerting our minds. using them to much. i just feel that life wasn't ment to be this hard and complicated. it wasn't supposed to be so stress filled. it was supposed to be unjoyed. im NOT enjoying life. i despise it honestly. i have to write like 20 journal entries so i get an A on my notebook for ragtime. i dont want to write journal entries about that class, because he already knows what i think about things because i tell him. you cant just say write a journal entry, and expect someone to be able to fill 2 pages worth of reasonable, topic related information every 2 days. its stupid. i write when i want to, its for pleasure. not because im being graded. so what happens once 2nd semester starts? oh yeah.. that class is over and i put the notebook that i worked so hard on away and i never think about it agian. why becuase i dont need to. because it wasn't something that i would have done on my own. it was something that someone told me i had to do, or i would be a failure. my mind is to developed to be a failure. thats what i tell myself. ive done to much work, ive come to far, i cant stop now.. it would be unreasonable. my whole education has been unreasonable. its just to bad that it took me a whopping 13 years to figure that out. well 12.. preschool was fun. i could have been preparing to tour italy, or rome. travel to egypt. the one place i really want to go. i want to see how they live. i want to experience their lives. but what am i doing? im going to college all of three hours away from me home. spending 20 thousand a year to work more, stress myself out.. all to earn a piece of paper that says that i can tell people whats wrong with them. i can do that now, and im actually pretty good at it. anyone can if their given enough background information about a person. its not that hard to come to a conclusion once your givin all the facts. i could do it in my sleep.
i want to go shopping. but oh yeah, you need money to get stuff you want. how retarded it that. the only thing keeping me from what i want is a tree. paper is tree. not a hard concept. does a tree really care whether or not a get a shiney new shirt? no. why because its a flippin tree. but those PEOPLE that took the tree and realized that they could control other with it transformed the entire world into thinking that those who have "tree's" are better than those who dont. indians should be the wealthiest group of people alive. yet their not even though they have so many trees. just because they dont butcher the trees and turn them green. this world is so messed up, and im glad im not part of it. thank you God for letting me stay with you.
ok well im off the start my brutal torture labeled history homework, because you know if i dont do it then ill fail my meaningless test at the end of the year that tells me how little knowledge a have about the history of our country. oh wait.. i dont care.