Deep thoughts
Sorry, no continuation of the grocery saga today.
So I started Slim-Fast 3 weeks ago, right? And I'm actually doing fine on it, sticking with the program and everything. But suddenly I realized just how much emotional support food was giving me. Now I'm in a total freak out because I've regulated food back down to simple nourishment and I feel so empty and alone I don't know what to do. Suddenly I'm looking at my life and my marriage and thinking it isn't enough, it's not going to work.
I took the kids to the pool today, and Katelyn's friend Hannah and her mom were there. I had a nice chat with her mom, then Hannah's dad got there. Watching her and her husband laugh and play around in the pool actually made me cry. Because my husband does not show affection in public. I honestly don't know if it's an active choice or just an incapability for him, but all I know is in that moment, I would have given anything to have James there, wrestling and laughing with me in the pool. But the sadness was there because I know if he had been there, he wouldn't have touched me.
Also, Hannah's mom is like me, pretty but chubby. And watching her husband pay her attention made me realize that part of me is thinking "I just need to get thin, then he'll notice me" But what if he doesn't. What if it doesn't work. Maybe it's him, not me. Maybe he'll never be capable of showing me the affection I need to thrive and be happy. James' brother Jeremy is now seperated from his wife and when she talked to me about why she left all I could think about was how similiar Jeremy and James are in the emotion department. Her main thing was "What if I'm still sitting here 15 years from now still hoping he'll start trying and give me what I need." There it was, my biggest fear spoken out loud, crystalized in reality over a static-y phone line.
My mom says I'll get over it, learn to fill the emotional hole with other things, but doesn't that kill a part of me? Isn't that need for affection and attention a part of who I am? Does being married really mean giving up on that? I don't know.
Back to Jeremy's wife, well she actually has gotten back together with an old boyfriend of hers. That's where we're different. I stay because I love him and because I worry that leaving him for someone else will result in the same thing in the long run. Maybe all guys are like that, why should I expect more from James? I try to remember back when we were dating to see if he was always this distant; defensive. The memories are too distant, too clouded by how young I was. I don't trust teenage memories, too many hormones.
So I started Slim-Fast 3 weeks ago, right? And I'm actually doing fine on it, sticking with the program and everything. But suddenly I realized just how much emotional support food was giving me. Now I'm in a total freak out because I've regulated food back down to simple nourishment and I feel so empty and alone I don't know what to do. Suddenly I'm looking at my life and my marriage and thinking it isn't enough, it's not going to work.
I took the kids to the pool today, and Katelyn's friend Hannah and her mom were there. I had a nice chat with her mom, then Hannah's dad got there. Watching her and her husband laugh and play around in the pool actually made me cry. Because my husband does not show affection in public. I honestly don't know if it's an active choice or just an incapability for him, but all I know is in that moment, I would have given anything to have James there, wrestling and laughing with me in the pool. But the sadness was there because I know if he had been there, he wouldn't have touched me.
Also, Hannah's mom is like me, pretty but chubby. And watching her husband pay her attention made me realize that part of me is thinking "I just need to get thin, then he'll notice me" But what if he doesn't. What if it doesn't work. Maybe it's him, not me. Maybe he'll never be capable of showing me the affection I need to thrive and be happy. James' brother Jeremy is now seperated from his wife and when she talked to me about why she left all I could think about was how similiar Jeremy and James are in the emotion department. Her main thing was "What if I'm still sitting here 15 years from now still hoping he'll start trying and give me what I need." There it was, my biggest fear spoken out loud, crystalized in reality over a static-y phone line.
My mom says I'll get over it, learn to fill the emotional hole with other things, but doesn't that kill a part of me? Isn't that need for affection and attention a part of who I am? Does being married really mean giving up on that? I don't know.
Back to Jeremy's wife, well she actually has gotten back together with an old boyfriend of hers. That's where we're different. I stay because I love him and because I worry that leaving him for someone else will result in the same thing in the long run. Maybe all guys are like that, why should I expect more from James? I try to remember back when we were dating to see if he was always this distant; defensive. The memories are too distant, too clouded by how young I was. I don't trust teenage memories, too many hormones.