DEAR ***...FEB 5, 2004
Dear ***,
My mind is restless. Since yesterday I've had this horrible image I can't get out of my mind.
Janelle and I were on the computer the other night. I wanted to get on the internet but Janelle said it didn't work. So she followed me downstairs to check and see if it was still busted. Yup. So we played Alchemy for a while and went through the games in the "games" folder. We played a puzzle game for a while and then somehow got on the topic of why the computer didn't work. Janelle was like, "It's probably all the crap *** has in his folder." Then she opened your folder.
"Look," she said. And scrolled down the hundreds of saved items.
"Wait. Is this his Email cause he said never to look in it cause of all his bad stuff," I said.
"No. This is just his folder."
I could see there were some, actually ALOT of, porn minded titles on there.
"What is all this stuff?" I asked.
So we started to click on what didn't sound or look like porn material...a picture of Charlie, a cell phone, the Racetrack comedy, a family picture, an eagle...All the while we were squinting our eyes incase something bad showed up.
Well, we ended up seeing a woman with her butt to the camera spreading her cheeks and another woman on all fours on a bed with, "saggy boobs," as the title deemed. (Although Janelle and I both thought she had normal looking breasts)
So as I dicided I had about been curious enough, I clicked on one last icon titled, "Frog Torture". Imagining I'd see something mildly to horribly disturbing like frog squishing, a frog in a blender, a frog in a microwave, I clicked on it.
A video opened up and in the first 2 seconds I could tell it was something MUCH MORE horrible than that. I instantly closed the screen and looked at Janelle. We both were like, "What was that?"
"I dunno," I said, "but it was something bad."
So with that, we shut off the computer and Janelle went to bed. I took the last load of laundry out of the dryer. As I did so, my curiosity came back with a vengance...
What WAS that a video of exactly?
I dont WANT to know, I told myself.
Yes you do, I told myself.
No, I think I already know what that was.
Yeah, but what if it wasn't what you think? You could think it's worse than it really is. Go find out for sure.
I don't want to...but....o...kay.
I went back downstairs, sat infront of the computer--apprehensive--preparing myself to see something horribly disgusting. So I opened the folder and clicked on "frog torture" again.
Okay. Here you go sick-o, I thought. Like I HAD to view it so the curious part of me could see it. I wished I hadn't given in.
As "Frog torture" opened, the video started again.
A camera was viewing a woman about--i don't know--a decent distance away with her knees bent, legs spread apart, crotch facing the camera. But it was far enough away to where I had to squint to see exactly. Then it zoomed in...(Ugh, I don't like re-seeing this in my head)
A woman's crotch is center screen and you can kind of make out her head silouette in the background. It has a very, dark, smutty, this-is-really-torture feel to the video. There are red droplets around her vagina, it could be blood or wax.
Then a male's hand reaches infront of the screen. Between his thumb and two first fingers is a quarter, to half-dollar size green, squirming, kicking frog. With his left hand, he opens her up and stuffs the frog inside her. He pulls his fingers out. The hand leaves the screen. Then it returns with another similar looking frog and repeats what he previously did.
But this time, after he pulls his thumb and fingers out, he takes his first two fingers and repeatedly shoves them into her, like he's cramming the frogs further up inside her. *GAG* The manner in which he does this is SO GROSS, I have no words to describe his roughness. All the while you can see the woman's blurry head turning back and fourth in a "no" motion. He pulls his hand away and the video ends.
I nearly threw up. I sat there blankly. I was utterly disturbed. I was revolted. I couldn't BELIEVE what I had just watched. My mind began to chatter...
Why did I watch that?
I shouldn't have opened ***'* folder.
Why was that saved in the first place?
He's an adult. He can watch what he wants.
Why would he WANT to save that?
Why would he want to pass it to anyone else?
I wanted to wash my brain!! Scrub it and wring it out!! But this image...was burned into my mind. It wouldn't stop replaying itself. It came and went throughout my day yesterday and resurfaced as I was reading a book last night. The sentence went...,"not sexual perverts at heart..." Immediately that shocking image of the wriggling frog. And I couldn't continue reading. My mind trailed off in a series of thoughts that prompted this letter:
FROG torture? FROG?!?! What about the WOMAN for fuck sake?!?! I imagined if someone were doing that to me and I shuddered hard. Who in God's name would call that FROG torture? ...A MAN... Didn't even consider what that must've been like for the woman. To have live, squirming frogs shoved into your most sacred, private, intimate, sensitive place. ***PPPPUUUUKKKKEEE***** And then I thought of how much porn material *** has saved on the computer. That's not normal.
"Yes it is. I'm a guy and guys like to watch and look at porn."
But imagine if it was me. Janelle. Alyssa. Your neice. Someone you actually know and care about. And love. A family member. That woman who's spreading her cheeks, bending over, dishonoring herself--she's someone's daughter. Someone's sister. Someone's neice. Think of how disappointed you'd be, how disgusted you'd be if one of US popped up on your internet with some guy probing at us, spreading us apart, doing WHATEVER to us. When you think of it in terms like that, it makes what you're watching very sad.
But you're not SUPPOSED to think of porn in those terms. You're SUPPOSED to objectify the women, and that is absolutely dangerous.
I don't know what it's like to be a guy and have a life-long obsession with women's bodies. But I DO know what it feels like to be a woman, and I don't understand how guys can watch that (moral guys anyway) and get turned on. I mean YOU taught me "that my body was a temple, a CASTLE, and no one was supposed to cross the invisible moat. Sex is special." How can you teach me that about my body, while stock-piling loads of material where women regard themselves as anything BUT that?
I used to think a woman in porn wasn't discracing herself because she CHOSE to be in it, afterall. But I don't think a woman would run straight to her parents after her pictures/films were finished and say, "Look mom! Look Dad! Look what I did! Look what I'm becoming!!" she'd probably be at least somewhat ashamed. (If she even had a stable mom and dad to go to in the first place)
It makes me sad for the women in porn. Because I've seen some, and half the time they're oohing and ahhing fakely, from what my, a woman's, perspective couldn't POSSIBLY feel good. Or is even Sanitary for that matter. It's disturbing. Cause if guys watch this and think the women are honestly enjoying it, they're not. They are watching a LIE. A disconnected act. Disconnected about anything REAL about sex. A de-person-alized depiction. And MAYBE when you DEPERSONALIZE what you are watching, and the woman becomes an OBJECT, it might be stimulating.
No one cares who you are in porn. You're just an ass. You're just a pussy. You're just that tool used to bring a man pleasure. You're just a mouth and a tongue. A couple of large breasts. You're the fake name you give yourself.
I can't STAND it!!! It's watching a lie. And I don't know how anyone can't realize this! How could you raise 3 girls, and watch this crap? And you HOARD it!!! It's like your secret, or not-so-secret, vice. What on earth about objectifing women turns you on? It's gross!!
It's like who are you?--A moral man with a perverted vice/addiction? OR An immoral man who tells his daughters moral concepts he doesn't really believe their bodies to be?
Either way you wear a mask...You want people to see you as something you're not.
And then I thought about how you said you can't wait to corrupt Charlie...teach him to cuss and stuff. I hope you're joking because I want him to remain as pure as possible, as long as possible. Because teaching him to be immoral is NOT teaching him to be a man. And if you are serious, Charlie will NOT be spending time alone with you. I PROMISE!!
XOXO
Corinne