in and out of mangers and other bars...
ok.
so.
i've been doing a lot of thinking over the course of the past, i don't know, hour or so.
and i mean, it all started when julie found a $20 bill lying on the floor at silver moon saloon.
she decided that, for her karma and her consciences sake, she couldn't just KEEP the money (which i fully supported and she pointed out that i'm probably one of the few that actually would support a decision like that).
we went on a massive search for a homeless (or otherwise needy) person to whom we could give the money.
in our search, after walking only a short distance, we were suddenly approached by a man who was not asking for money but was looking for someone to vent to about the fact that at social services they agreed to pay all the bills (heating, electric, rent, etc) for a family in line ahead of him, but they would only pay $32 of his $40 bill. he showed us his credentials, his ID card or whatever, stating that he was a war veteran etc etc etc, and he was wondering why it was that he, even though he did not have a family, couldn't get $40 to pay this particular bill.
he then went on to say that he'd been to several bars and such looking for simple work (clean the bathroom, take out the trash, etc) in order to make the last eight dollars but no one was letting him.
his attitude about the entire thing was "please! just tell me! what is wrong with america today!?"
julie went inside, acting like she had to use the bathroom, and changed out the $20 for two tens and presented the man with a ten dollar bill to pay the rest of his bill. she said, "hey, listen. you don't have to do anything for me. just do something nice for someone else, ok?"
right. that's the shit, yes?
but we still had that last ten to give away.
in the course of our search we ran into charlie and derek at recreation billiards, and they, being concerned about us walking the streets in search of homeless people, came along. after a run-in with a man lying on a bench reading a book with a penlight, who told julie just to drop the money back on the ground, we were ready to give up.
ah! but then, by the grace of god or what have you, derek said, "but wait. actually. there's a priest at rec. billiards right now. i'm willing to bet you can just give him the money and he'd know someone to give it to."
and, lo and behold! the priest was still at the bar when we got there. he was basically like "that's a really really good thing to do, i will find a homeless person to give it to, thank you," etc.
and we went on our merry way.
so i felt pretty impressed with julie, especially, but with myself a little too.
fact is, i used to help out in the community all the time. samaritan ministries soup kitchen, second harvest food bank, early bird child care (for the children of people who had nowhere else to take their kids while they went to AA meetings), etc.
i've only fairly recently stopped doing things like that all the time, and that's because i'm no longer leading that, you know, super-christian, you know, on-my-way-to-becoming-a-preacher-myself sort of lifestyle.
but that's not fair to me and it's not fair to the community.
whether i'm close with the big guy or not i should still be trying to help people. it's what i enjoy.
i had a ton of focus back then. i knew what i wanted--in the here and now sense.
i don't have that anymore. i know i don't. i have no idea who i am or what i want and i don't feel good about myself.
the fact is, if i enjoy helping people I SHOULD HELP PEOPLE.
it's so fucking obvious when it's put that way, but it's something that seemingly hasn't occurred to me in, like, five years.
so i called julie, shortly after dropping her off, while i was doing my nightly 20-minute "drive-around-and-think-shit-out-and-figure-out-my-life" run.
i was like, "so, uh... i used to do, you know, 'good works' all the time. and i feel like i'm missing that. i was wondering if, if i called the samaritan ministries soup kitchen and could get in to work it on monday morning, if you would go with me."
she was like, "sure."
so i guess it's kind of set. i haven't called yet or anything, i can't until morning. what i told julie was that, if they didn't have room for us at the soup kitchen we could probably work at the food bank even though we wouldn't actually be in contact with the homeless people. she seemed cool with that.
so yeah, if anyone wants to partake in our planned lovefeast (which i assume we won't actually be partaking in as far as eating the food goes) be sure to let me know.
maybe this is the way to get some direction and pull my life back into place, you know? i feel like it's worked before. and maybe i'll find god again or something. whether i do or not, i mean... it can't hurt.
i'm saying "you know" a lot in this entry. as if i'm actually conversationally talking to each and every one of you.
respond. ok? gimme something to go on here.
who wants to love up on some appreciative homeless/needy people/families with julie and myself?
seriously, you know you do. we're a riot. it's the julie and danielle show gone broad-spectrum and giving.
just saying. i think there's new criteria if you want to get on our good side. that is: you have to care about everyone other than yourself if you're going to care about yourself.
also, and this may be irrevevant, but i'd been listening to the same sunny day real estate tape for DAYS and suddenly i put in this tape of 'the church' and the song is 'lullaby' and the lyrics to the song that came on while i was thinking about all this are as such:
we come to pay homage to the golden one
we share and bear the message of your newborn son
we follow paths of falling stars
in and out of mangers and other bars
opportunity knocked you up i guess
gave you your little baby success
you've got potential, you have the gift
you have the chance to heal a million rifts
we've been sent to sing a lullaby for you
we've been sent to sing a lullaby
we've brought oils, gold and wine and bread
a dreaming pillow for his divine head
astrologers all, we plot the charts
and we wise men, we can look into people's hearts
a doom is on the child that i can see
he don't belong in this time of you and me
his life will not be very long
before you know it -- he will be gone
we've been sent to sing a lullaby for you....
i know you may think it's bullshit. but it's a big thing, at least within the methodist church if not in other protestant or catholic or whatever churches, that every once in a while you may feel like you're being CALLED to do something.
and as cheesy as it sounds that shit still resounds in my head all the damn time.
and i don't feel like i've ever really been called before. never this hardcore. i've felt like i've had religious experiences. i've been convinced, as a child, that i had actually communications with God... but never have i felt like i was being shown any kind of path.
maybe. just maybe. this is my night.
is that presumptuous of me? man, i hope not.
so.
i've been doing a lot of thinking over the course of the past, i don't know, hour or so.
and i mean, it all started when julie found a $20 bill lying on the floor at silver moon saloon.
she decided that, for her karma and her consciences sake, she couldn't just KEEP the money (which i fully supported and she pointed out that i'm probably one of the few that actually would support a decision like that).
we went on a massive search for a homeless (or otherwise needy) person to whom we could give the money.
in our search, after walking only a short distance, we were suddenly approached by a man who was not asking for money but was looking for someone to vent to about the fact that at social services they agreed to pay all the bills (heating, electric, rent, etc) for a family in line ahead of him, but they would only pay $32 of his $40 bill. he showed us his credentials, his ID card or whatever, stating that he was a war veteran etc etc etc, and he was wondering why it was that he, even though he did not have a family, couldn't get $40 to pay this particular bill.
he then went on to say that he'd been to several bars and such looking for simple work (clean the bathroom, take out the trash, etc) in order to make the last eight dollars but no one was letting him.
his attitude about the entire thing was "please! just tell me! what is wrong with america today!?"
julie went inside, acting like she had to use the bathroom, and changed out the $20 for two tens and presented the man with a ten dollar bill to pay the rest of his bill. she said, "hey, listen. you don't have to do anything for me. just do something nice for someone else, ok?"
right. that's the shit, yes?
but we still had that last ten to give away.
in the course of our search we ran into charlie and derek at recreation billiards, and they, being concerned about us walking the streets in search of homeless people, came along. after a run-in with a man lying on a bench reading a book with a penlight, who told julie just to drop the money back on the ground, we were ready to give up.
ah! but then, by the grace of god or what have you, derek said, "but wait. actually. there's a priest at rec. billiards right now. i'm willing to bet you can just give him the money and he'd know someone to give it to."
and, lo and behold! the priest was still at the bar when we got there. he was basically like "that's a really really good thing to do, i will find a homeless person to give it to, thank you," etc.
and we went on our merry way.
so i felt pretty impressed with julie, especially, but with myself a little too.
fact is, i used to help out in the community all the time. samaritan ministries soup kitchen, second harvest food bank, early bird child care (for the children of people who had nowhere else to take their kids while they went to AA meetings), etc.
i've only fairly recently stopped doing things like that all the time, and that's because i'm no longer leading that, you know, super-christian, you know, on-my-way-to-becoming-a-preacher-myself sort of lifestyle.
but that's not fair to me and it's not fair to the community.
whether i'm close with the big guy or not i should still be trying to help people. it's what i enjoy.
i had a ton of focus back then. i knew what i wanted--in the here and now sense.
i don't have that anymore. i know i don't. i have no idea who i am or what i want and i don't feel good about myself.
the fact is, if i enjoy helping people I SHOULD HELP PEOPLE.
it's so fucking obvious when it's put that way, but it's something that seemingly hasn't occurred to me in, like, five years.
so i called julie, shortly after dropping her off, while i was doing my nightly 20-minute "drive-around-and-think-shit-out-and-figure-out-my-life" run.
i was like, "so, uh... i used to do, you know, 'good works' all the time. and i feel like i'm missing that. i was wondering if, if i called the samaritan ministries soup kitchen and could get in to work it on monday morning, if you would go with me."
she was like, "sure."
so i guess it's kind of set. i haven't called yet or anything, i can't until morning. what i told julie was that, if they didn't have room for us at the soup kitchen we could probably work at the food bank even though we wouldn't actually be in contact with the homeless people. she seemed cool with that.
so yeah, if anyone wants to partake in our planned lovefeast (which i assume we won't actually be partaking in as far as eating the food goes) be sure to let me know.
maybe this is the way to get some direction and pull my life back into place, you know? i feel like it's worked before. and maybe i'll find god again or something. whether i do or not, i mean... it can't hurt.
i'm saying "you know" a lot in this entry. as if i'm actually conversationally talking to each and every one of you.
respond. ok? gimme something to go on here.
who wants to love up on some appreciative homeless/needy people/families with julie and myself?
seriously, you know you do. we're a riot. it's the julie and danielle show gone broad-spectrum and giving.
just saying. i think there's new criteria if you want to get on our good side. that is: you have to care about everyone other than yourself if you're going to care about yourself.
also, and this may be irrevevant, but i'd been listening to the same sunny day real estate tape for DAYS and suddenly i put in this tape of 'the church' and the song is 'lullaby' and the lyrics to the song that came on while i was thinking about all this are as such:
we come to pay homage to the golden one
we share and bear the message of your newborn son
we follow paths of falling stars
in and out of mangers and other bars
opportunity knocked you up i guess
gave you your little baby success
you've got potential, you have the gift
you have the chance to heal a million rifts
we've been sent to sing a lullaby for you
we've been sent to sing a lullaby
we've brought oils, gold and wine and bread
a dreaming pillow for his divine head
astrologers all, we plot the charts
and we wise men, we can look into people's hearts
a doom is on the child that i can see
he don't belong in this time of you and me
his life will not be very long
before you know it -- he will be gone
we've been sent to sing a lullaby for you....
i know you may think it's bullshit. but it's a big thing, at least within the methodist church if not in other protestant or catholic or whatever churches, that every once in a while you may feel like you're being CALLED to do something.
and as cheesy as it sounds that shit still resounds in my head all the damn time.
and i don't feel like i've ever really been called before. never this hardcore. i've felt like i've had religious experiences. i've been convinced, as a child, that i had actually communications with God... but never have i felt like i was being shown any kind of path.
maybe. just maybe. this is my night.
is that presumptuous of me? man, i hope not.