On the subject of a Rabbit Hole
I've been suspicious for a few weeks now. The network at the office has been slow, Pixel's computer got fried, the X-Box has been locking up with a disturbing frequency.
It was the microfilm machine that finally revealed the problem, though. It was working just fine until the printer door popped open and a plastic cog shot out with such speed that it made a dent on a nearby file cabinet where it ricocheted off and flew into cubicle country.
I swore under my breath, then bent down near the vent of the side of the machine.
"All right, I know you're in there.." I whispered to the vent. You don't want your corporate coworkers to hear when you are talking to fairies. "Come on out, I have work to do."
The vent creaked open and swung freely on it hinge. A small dwarf-like creature poked his head out from the machine's innards. He seemed to be made entirely from old plastic and tiny riveted pieces of bent sheet metal.
He scrunched up his face, making cracks in the beige plastic, and looked me up and down.
" I got work to do too, meat" He unrolled an impossibly small pack of cigarettes from his shirt sleeve. "You go ahead back to your business and I'll be done here in..ah.. pfsshhhh... about two hours"
He began to crawl back inside, but I grabbed him around the torso between the thumb and forefinger of my left hand.
"Listen gremlin, I need to get copies of 80 payments from 15 years ago for legal!"
"Really." It wasn't a question. He took a puff from his cigarette, seemingly entirely at ease being dangled in the air. "Is it a big lawsuit?"
"That doesn't matter."
"The hell it don' matter! Listen meat, I gotta quota this month. I hafta cause another two mil in damage by the end of the month, or its my tin-plated ass in a sling!"
"Two million? What have you got against my company that you want to cost it two million?"
"Look, I got nothin' against your company, I just happen to be assigned here. Assigned with a quota. So how much is that lawsuit for?"
"Sorry to disappoint but I don't know how much its for, but even if it is for more than 2 mil it doesn't start until next month. You're going to miss your quota. Now stay out of my damn machine!"
"Are you jokin'? Now I gotta work twice as hard, probably overtime... unpaid overtime!"
I would have squeezed the grease out of him right there, but for two factors. First, he was made of metal and plastic, so that would have taken a while. Second, I have an agreement with local fairies union 204. That's another story, I'll tell you later, it involved raspberry scones and a phooka's utter inability to understand spreadsheet software.
I sighed.
"If I help you with your quota, will you leave my microfilm machine alone and let me get some work done?"
He narrowed his eyes at me.
"Ooooo-kay," He said warily. "But why should I trust you?"
"I need to get my work done, and do you think 2 million is even going to be noticed by a place this big?"
"What? 2 million is a lot of money!"
"Well, for me and you, yes. This is a multi-national corporation, 2 million is a rounding error."
"Are you telling me, that I could bust my rivets off smashing every computer on this floor, and this place wouldn't even notice?"
"Oh, we'd notice, but a day or two later all of the machines would be replaced. And by that time, you'd have a new month with a new quota."
"Silver moons damn it! This isn't like the old days. I used to have a job that mattered. I was in the war you know." The gremlin started to cry oily tears.
"Which war?"
"One with planes. Planes with propellers."
"Wow"
"Now look at me, I'm stuck with office equipment. I need to wreck something expensive."
"You know what, I think you're stuck in the past a bit. One piece of equipment here or there won't matter too much these days. And with the kind of money people are losing these days in the stock market, 2 million won't even be noticed."
"Aww, what am I supposed to do."
"Is it really that important to wreck machinery?" I offered.
"Yes!"
"Why?"
"Tradition." He said proudly. "It just wouldn't be right to break with tradition!"
"Tradition is just the way things used to be."
"Its the way things are! You keep traditions because traditions WORK!"
I thought for a moment, but I did not let him go. Letting go of a gremlin is a quick way to get yourself into real trouble.
"I suppose that's true. Traditions are very important."
"That's right!"
"Without traditions, where would we be? Lost! that's what."
"Exactly!"
"People wouldn't know their role. Culture would collapse!"
"Yes!"
"The cogs of society would grind to a halt."
"Ruin!"
"The wheels of diplomacy, communication, and commerce would seize up completely!"
"You have got it! You are abso..." he froze mid-sentence. "Waaaaait a minute. I see what you're trying to do."
"Tell you what. Give this a try. Even if you do 2 million of damage by the first of February, what does it prove? You're just going to have to do it again next month. But start repairing broken machines, or better yet build new things. You could rip gremlin traditions to threads overnight!"
"But fixing things?"
"Yes you will be fixing things and by doing so, you will be using your skills to ruin what every gremlin has worked so very hard to build."
A smile cracked the corner of his plastic lips.
"Tell you what, if you find that gear that popped out, I'll see what I can do to fix this microfilm printer and scanner here."
"Its not a scanner." I said, confused.
"No, not yet."
It was the microfilm machine that finally revealed the problem, though. It was working just fine until the printer door popped open and a plastic cog shot out with such speed that it made a dent on a nearby file cabinet where it ricocheted off and flew into cubicle country.
I swore under my breath, then bent down near the vent of the side of the machine.
"All right, I know you're in there.." I whispered to the vent. You don't want your corporate coworkers to hear when you are talking to fairies. "Come on out, I have work to do."
The vent creaked open and swung freely on it hinge. A small dwarf-like creature poked his head out from the machine's innards. He seemed to be made entirely from old plastic and tiny riveted pieces of bent sheet metal.
He scrunched up his face, making cracks in the beige plastic, and looked me up and down.
" I got work to do too, meat" He unrolled an impossibly small pack of cigarettes from his shirt sleeve. "You go ahead back to your business and I'll be done here in..ah.. pfsshhhh... about two hours"
He began to crawl back inside, but I grabbed him around the torso between the thumb and forefinger of my left hand.
"Listen gremlin, I need to get copies of 80 payments from 15 years ago for legal!"
"Really." It wasn't a question. He took a puff from his cigarette, seemingly entirely at ease being dangled in the air. "Is it a big lawsuit?"
"That doesn't matter."
"The hell it don' matter! Listen meat, I gotta quota this month. I hafta cause another two mil in damage by the end of the month, or its my tin-plated ass in a sling!"
"Two million? What have you got against my company that you want to cost it two million?"
"Look, I got nothin' against your company, I just happen to be assigned here. Assigned with a quota. So how much is that lawsuit for?"
"Sorry to disappoint but I don't know how much its for, but even if it is for more than 2 mil it doesn't start until next month. You're going to miss your quota. Now stay out of my damn machine!"
"Are you jokin'? Now I gotta work twice as hard, probably overtime... unpaid overtime!"
I would have squeezed the grease out of him right there, but for two factors. First, he was made of metal and plastic, so that would have taken a while. Second, I have an agreement with local fairies union 204. That's another story, I'll tell you later, it involved raspberry scones and a phooka's utter inability to understand spreadsheet software.
I sighed.
"If I help you with your quota, will you leave my microfilm machine alone and let me get some work done?"
He narrowed his eyes at me.
"Ooooo-kay," He said warily. "But why should I trust you?"
"I need to get my work done, and do you think 2 million is even going to be noticed by a place this big?"
"What? 2 million is a lot of money!"
"Well, for me and you, yes. This is a multi-national corporation, 2 million is a rounding error."
"Are you telling me, that I could bust my rivets off smashing every computer on this floor, and this place wouldn't even notice?"
"Oh, we'd notice, but a day or two later all of the machines would be replaced. And by that time, you'd have a new month with a new quota."
"Silver moons damn it! This isn't like the old days. I used to have a job that mattered. I was in the war you know." The gremlin started to cry oily tears.
"Which war?"
"One with planes. Planes with propellers."
"Wow"
"Now look at me, I'm stuck with office equipment. I need to wreck something expensive."
"You know what, I think you're stuck in the past a bit. One piece of equipment here or there won't matter too much these days. And with the kind of money people are losing these days in the stock market, 2 million won't even be noticed."
"Aww, what am I supposed to do."
"Is it really that important to wreck machinery?" I offered.
"Yes!"
"Why?"
"Tradition." He said proudly. "It just wouldn't be right to break with tradition!"
"Tradition is just the way things used to be."
"Its the way things are! You keep traditions because traditions WORK!"
I thought for a moment, but I did not let him go. Letting go of a gremlin is a quick way to get yourself into real trouble.
"I suppose that's true. Traditions are very important."
"That's right!"
"Without traditions, where would we be? Lost! that's what."
"Exactly!"
"People wouldn't know their role. Culture would collapse!"
"Yes!"
"The cogs of society would grind to a halt."
"Ruin!"
"The wheels of diplomacy, communication, and commerce would seize up completely!"
"You have got it! You are abso..." he froze mid-sentence. "Waaaaait a minute. I see what you're trying to do."
"Tell you what. Give this a try. Even if you do 2 million of damage by the first of February, what does it prove? You're just going to have to do it again next month. But start repairing broken machines, or better yet build new things. You could rip gremlin traditions to threads overnight!"
"But fixing things?"
"Yes you will be fixing things and by doing so, you will be using your skills to ruin what every gremlin has worked so very hard to build."
A smile cracked the corner of his plastic lips.
"Tell you what, if you find that gear that popped out, I'll see what I can do to fix this microfilm printer and scanner here."
"Its not a scanner." I said, confused.
"No, not yet."