On the Subject of Why I Will Never Be President
(From the inaugural address of President Julie Konopka)
My Fellow Americans...
hmmm
that opening sounds a bit overused. Also, it feels like I should say that with a texan accent..
ahem...
Mah Fellow 'Mercans...
yeah, that's it.
Okay, Citizens of the USA. I am proud to accept the role and responsibilities of the President of the United States of America. I appreciate everyone's support in the race. And I admit, I'm as surprised as all of you. But now, the hard work begins, and let me tell you, there's going to be some changes around here.
First things first. I am, as of this moment, relinquishing all of the powers my predecessors have wrested away from congress and the judiciary. When our forefathers set down the rules of checks and balances, they specifically designed it so that the executive branch of government would have the least power. It was decided that that would be necessary to avoid finding ourselves in another dictatorship. I am taking this action to preserve the stability of the three branches of government.
Next, I will be appointing experts to be my advisers. And when I say experts, I mean real experts, not friends who know the ins and outs of horse breeding. I want people who know a lot more than I do and who are willing to argue with me. I already know I'm not an expert in anything.
Finally, as the head of the branch of government tasked with upholding the law of the land, I am ordering the immediate arrest of my predecessor for human rights crimes.
No, no, I don't think you understand me. I mean now, right now.
Seriously, he's here to my left. I know there Fed's here in the crowd. Come up here and cuff him.
(Note: Wait for arrest, clip microphone to the agent reading Miranda rights)
That is long overdue.
All-righty, the rest of my immediate plans are kind of superficial. All the other big stuff I need to talk go talk to Congress and my Cabinet first.
As for the little stuff lets see...
Oh, I'm eliminating the position of Press Secretary. I'll hold more press conferences personally to make up for it. But lets face it, the Press Secretary has so far just been the person who repeats the news release for everyone and then denies knowing anything more.
What else, what else, what else...
Oh yes, I'm having all the Secret Service agents start dressing like the Swiss Guard. Its not that I think I'm the Pope of anything, its just that I think they need to stop taking themselves so seriously. I may mix that up in a couple years, maybe the new uniforms will be along the lines of the village people, but I haven't decided yet.
I also want to be clear about this one, so that no one claims shock later. There will be sex in the White House between non-married individuals. A lot of it. Not just me, I'm going to recommend it to my whole staff. Hell, I think I may set up a bowl of condoms and lube at the front door. There will be a lot of sex, but it will be safe sex. I want to set a good example for the safe sex policies which will soon be going out to the public schools.
Well, that's it for now... Oh wait, one more thing. This "Hail to the Chief" thing has to go. I'll have a new playlist for Presidential music out in a while. I think "Take a Chance on Me" by ABBA will be one of them.
I'm looking forward to the next four years working with all of you.
Thank you all!
My Fellow Americans...
hmmm
that opening sounds a bit overused. Also, it feels like I should say that with a texan accent..
ahem...
Mah Fellow 'Mercans...
yeah, that's it.
Okay, Citizens of the USA. I am proud to accept the role and responsibilities of the President of the United States of America. I appreciate everyone's support in the race. And I admit, I'm as surprised as all of you. But now, the hard work begins, and let me tell you, there's going to be some changes around here.
First things first. I am, as of this moment, relinquishing all of the powers my predecessors have wrested away from congress and the judiciary. When our forefathers set down the rules of checks and balances, they specifically designed it so that the executive branch of government would have the least power. It was decided that that would be necessary to avoid finding ourselves in another dictatorship. I am taking this action to preserve the stability of the three branches of government.
Next, I will be appointing experts to be my advisers. And when I say experts, I mean real experts, not friends who know the ins and outs of horse breeding. I want people who know a lot more than I do and who are willing to argue with me. I already know I'm not an expert in anything.
Finally, as the head of the branch of government tasked with upholding the law of the land, I am ordering the immediate arrest of my predecessor for human rights crimes.
No, no, I don't think you understand me. I mean now, right now.
Seriously, he's here to my left. I know there Fed's here in the crowd. Come up here and cuff him.
(Note: Wait for arrest, clip microphone to the agent reading Miranda rights)
That is long overdue.
All-righty, the rest of my immediate plans are kind of superficial. All the other big stuff I need to talk go talk to Congress and my Cabinet first.
As for the little stuff lets see...
Oh, I'm eliminating the position of Press Secretary. I'll hold more press conferences personally to make up for it. But lets face it, the Press Secretary has so far just been the person who repeats the news release for everyone and then denies knowing anything more.
What else, what else, what else...
Oh yes, I'm having all the Secret Service agents start dressing like the Swiss Guard. Its not that I think I'm the Pope of anything, its just that I think they need to stop taking themselves so seriously. I may mix that up in a couple years, maybe the new uniforms will be along the lines of the village people, but I haven't decided yet.
I also want to be clear about this one, so that no one claims shock later. There will be sex in the White House between non-married individuals. A lot of it. Not just me, I'm going to recommend it to my whole staff. Hell, I think I may set up a bowl of condoms and lube at the front door. There will be a lot of sex, but it will be safe sex. I want to set a good example for the safe sex policies which will soon be going out to the public schools.
Well, that's it for now... Oh wait, one more thing. This "Hail to the Chief" thing has to go. I'll have a new playlist for Presidential music out in a while. I think "Take a Chance on Me" by ABBA will be one of them.
I'm looking forward to the next four years working with all of you.
Thank you all!