quiet
i'm enjoying being still on this saturday night. fall feels like it's over, and winter is approaching fast...i'm very much welcoming it, though. i become so restless when things become normal and expected; times of transition make me more contemplative.
i only have two more semesters of UofL. this thought makes me happier than i can express. it also, however, makes me wonder when i'll start living up to the expectations i once had for myself. i should have been graduated already, in my mind. i should have traveled the world and made a significant impact on the lives of others. i've always been the over-eager one. thankfully, though, i've had a wake-up call that i have a whole life ahead of me (:D!) and, hence, a long long long time to do good things. i just don't want to ever end up taking life and all it encompasses for granted.
i'll be 21 in two weeks. again, something i've just settled for NOT being - "old enough," in this case - that soon i will finally be. i once thought 21 meant i would at last be old enough to be perceived as an adult in others' eyes; however, i look at my life now and the way i'm living it, and sometimes i'm frustrated as i try to reconcile my old standards with my current circumstances. how can i be considered an adult? my heart might know its age, which is ageless, but my 'outside' life looks like...well, what one might expect from a 21-year-old. a life that belongs to someone far too young. but it is what it is.
i've decided that, inside, i'm simultaneously three years old and eighty years old. will that ever change? probably not, but thank goodness. i kind of like being one on the edge of my seat, both as eager as a young child to engage myself in the world and as lovingly, wistfully observant of life as an elder. i'm old/young enough for me. :)
what i can say for sure is that my heart is exapanding and my spirit is searching, and those are two conditions i hope never change.
speaking of expanding hearts...
robby is my kind. to look through his eyes back at myself is the most humbling practice; his utter selflessness to me, his complete attentiveness to and care for my happiness and well-being make me want to be that much more loving toward him. he embodies everything good and wonderful in the world. sure, i see his flaws and he sees mine; we are rawly ourselves with one another...but somehow, that makes what we share so much more incredible. of course, our relationship is young and we are infatuated and everything is beautiful no matter what. but i've had 'new love' before, and the depth of our care for one another keeps me readily dismissing the idea that this is petty and fleeting. i'm just so grateful to have him right now as my friend, my teacher, and my love. :)
and speaking of searching souls...
i now know for sure that i can't go to a regular graduate school. i have to go to a hippie grad school. i don't want to emerge from earning my PhD sloughing off the rough layers of exhaustion and apathy created by stale teachers, exanimate students and pointless assignments. granted, grad school becomes more focused than undergrad, therefore more interesting, and so on...but still. i'm tired of this lifeless crap. i want to LIVE and truly LEARN, and to be around more people who yearn to simply be - people who strive to be real and authentic, who are tied to what really matters in the world. education should be liberating, not hurtful and binding. it should feed my spirit, not starve it.
anyhow, enough rambling. :) i just purchased a "good poems" book that i've wanted for roughly four years. why have i finally bought it now? i have absolutely no idea, haha. but i think i'll snuggle up with the cats and a cup of hot chocolate and let myself get lost in those lines of beauty.
stay warm, everyone!
i only have two more semesters of UofL. this thought makes me happier than i can express. it also, however, makes me wonder when i'll start living up to the expectations i once had for myself. i should have been graduated already, in my mind. i should have traveled the world and made a significant impact on the lives of others. i've always been the over-eager one. thankfully, though, i've had a wake-up call that i have a whole life ahead of me (:D!) and, hence, a long long long time to do good things. i just don't want to ever end up taking life and all it encompasses for granted.
i'll be 21 in two weeks. again, something i've just settled for NOT being - "old enough," in this case - that soon i will finally be. i once thought 21 meant i would at last be old enough to be perceived as an adult in others' eyes; however, i look at my life now and the way i'm living it, and sometimes i'm frustrated as i try to reconcile my old standards with my current circumstances. how can i be considered an adult? my heart might know its age, which is ageless, but my 'outside' life looks like...well, what one might expect from a 21-year-old. a life that belongs to someone far too young. but it is what it is.
i've decided that, inside, i'm simultaneously three years old and eighty years old. will that ever change? probably not, but thank goodness. i kind of like being one on the edge of my seat, both as eager as a young child to engage myself in the world and as lovingly, wistfully observant of life as an elder. i'm old/young enough for me. :)
what i can say for sure is that my heart is exapanding and my spirit is searching, and those are two conditions i hope never change.
speaking of expanding hearts...
robby is my kind. to look through his eyes back at myself is the most humbling practice; his utter selflessness to me, his complete attentiveness to and care for my happiness and well-being make me want to be that much more loving toward him. he embodies everything good and wonderful in the world. sure, i see his flaws and he sees mine; we are rawly ourselves with one another...but somehow, that makes what we share so much more incredible. of course, our relationship is young and we are infatuated and everything is beautiful no matter what. but i've had 'new love' before, and the depth of our care for one another keeps me readily dismissing the idea that this is petty and fleeting. i'm just so grateful to have him right now as my friend, my teacher, and my love. :)
and speaking of searching souls...
i now know for sure that i can't go to a regular graduate school. i have to go to a hippie grad school. i don't want to emerge from earning my PhD sloughing off the rough layers of exhaustion and apathy created by stale teachers, exanimate students and pointless assignments. granted, grad school becomes more focused than undergrad, therefore more interesting, and so on...but still. i'm tired of this lifeless crap. i want to LIVE and truly LEARN, and to be around more people who yearn to simply be - people who strive to be real and authentic, who are tied to what really matters in the world. education should be liberating, not hurtful and binding. it should feed my spirit, not starve it.
anyhow, enough rambling. :) i just purchased a "good poems" book that i've wanted for roughly four years. why have i finally bought it now? i have absolutely no idea, haha. but i think i'll snuggle up with the cats and a cup of hot chocolate and let myself get lost in those lines of beauty.
stay warm, everyone!