strange feelings
Got my Jesus on today. Oh yes. I've been going alot lately though. Don't really know why. Maybe because I feel obligated?? Who knows. Anyways, Mom was sick today so she didnt go. Ended up sitting by my Dad. Usually I try to avoid that, seeing as he's rather large & takes up quite a bit of room. He also figits (much like myself) & between the both of our figitting, we annoy each other. But a different emotion arose instead. Well, don't really know if its an emotion more then, say, a desire. Maybe even a need? We were praying & I peeked (BAD Nicole!) & looked at my dad. All of a sudden, I wanted to put my arm around his & put my head on his shoulder. It was strange. I haven't felt affection like that for my father in YEARS. What came over me? Then I started thinking. I couldn't remember the last time me & my dad had any kind of affection at all. I mean, we fight, yes, but its not constant. But there's really never any "I love you"s or anything of that nature. No hugging or kissing. It's very much so established that Nicole does not like to be touched in most cases. The only people who are allowed to touch me are a few friends & obviously any guy I would be dating. Other then that, the only family member that recieves physical affection is my sister. And she cant stand it. lol! We're very huggy-kissy-cuddly-type. Sometimes I would make her read me a bedtime story up until I was about 19/20. Strange, I know, but thats just how we are. I taught her how to drive, how to date, how to cook; that girl would be nothing without me. I even planned her wedding for her practically. But anyways, once the prayer was over, the moment was gone. Maybe it happened because I know Dad is unhappy. Maybe because I know he's giving his time & efforts into a job that no one appreciates him for & that he himself doesn't even really believe in anymore? Who can say? Maybe I'm starting to forgive him for all the years of neglect, disappointment & fury that he has lashed upon me. Ah well. Now it's back to normal & who knows of that feeling will ever come back again. I just know that I wanna make this relationship (or lack thereof) the way it should be before they move or before I move on with my life. I don't always wanna hate him. I don't always wanna feel like I've always let him down. I wanna have that fairy tale moment when some day he walks me down the isle & kisses my cheek & tells me he loves me. Sappy, I know, but every girl wants that I supose. Dad, I've tried to make you proud, I've tried to be everything you've ever wanted to be, but you could never just acept me for me. I can't change who I am, but if I could I would - just to see you smile at me & be proud that I'm your daughter.