(no subject)
You can think you are over something. You can think about it and deal with it in your head, and file it away as "resolved". Until its right there in your face, and you realize, that maybe you aren't over it after all. That maybe there's no quick fix, nowhere to stash the pain. You just have to feel it, live it, breathe it until it goes away on it's own. Is it better to face whats painful head on, and hope the broken feelings fade, or is it best to simply avoid that stimulus that makes your heart hurt, your stomach heave, your eyes well up with tears?
Maybe it's cowardly to run away from your problems. But then again, maybe it's acutally mature, and insightful to grasp that some things are simply to painful to face. Maybe avoiding the pain isn't running away, it's embracing the fact that you're strong enough to know what you can't handle, and accepting that you're not perfect. Unfortunately, when the pain is this deep, nothing else matters. When the guilt and the shame and the pain flow through you every second of the day, no amount of happiness surrounding you can make it better. And sure, maybe the pain fades over time, but that's when you think you're over it. Until the day you see him again. Maybe it never goes away. Maybe that's part of being human. Making mistakes so painful that you can never truly deal with them.
Maybe all you can do is let them hurt when they are right there in your face. And cry and scream and feel lower than anything. Because if you feel that low, chances are you're gonna have to go back up. And when you get there, there will be people who love you and care for you a million times more than he ever did. There will be people knowing that at the end of the day, him hurting you and losing you forever was a mistake exponenitally huger than your mistake.
And when it comes right down to it, maybe if you didn't feel pain and anguish this badly, maybe you wouldn't be able to feel love and joy and happiness either. And really, isn't that what it's all about? The lower you go, the more you appreciate when you rise up again. And you know that you made it through the pain. And if you made it through, whether you faced the pain head on or ran the other way, you knew what you had to do to get through it. And you did. And that self awareness and gratification will get you through anything.
Maybe it's cowardly to run away from your problems. But then again, maybe it's acutally mature, and insightful to grasp that some things are simply to painful to face. Maybe avoiding the pain isn't running away, it's embracing the fact that you're strong enough to know what you can't handle, and accepting that you're not perfect. Unfortunately, when the pain is this deep, nothing else matters. When the guilt and the shame and the pain flow through you every second of the day, no amount of happiness surrounding you can make it better. And sure, maybe the pain fades over time, but that's when you think you're over it. Until the day you see him again. Maybe it never goes away. Maybe that's part of being human. Making mistakes so painful that you can never truly deal with them.
Maybe all you can do is let them hurt when they are right there in your face. And cry and scream and feel lower than anything. Because if you feel that low, chances are you're gonna have to go back up. And when you get there, there will be people who love you and care for you a million times more than he ever did. There will be people knowing that at the end of the day, him hurting you and losing you forever was a mistake exponenitally huger than your mistake.
And when it comes right down to it, maybe if you didn't feel pain and anguish this badly, maybe you wouldn't be able to feel love and joy and happiness either. And really, isn't that what it's all about? The lower you go, the more you appreciate when you rise up again. And you know that you made it through the pain. And if you made it through, whether you faced the pain head on or ran the other way, you knew what you had to do to get through it. And you did. And that self awareness and gratification will get you through anything.