Hermione's Harem, (Final) Chapter Sixteen
“Well?” inquired Rhon, when Hari came through the door into the Common Room.
"Like I give a damn. Now go sort my dinner."
"Don't worry, no sign of canon reasserting itself."
“Her housemates took everything she owns!” replied Hari. I had that happen to me, you know. Several times. *single crystalline tear rolls down cheek* Oh, my soul... *tries to cling to Jack* Seriously, I don't want to end up being a published character. Already. “I gave her my wand and robe so she can teach them a lesson. But I told her we let her have our power.”
“Pavarti, is it true that magical twins can see through each other’s eyes?” inquired Herm.
“Well . . . yeah,” admitted Parvati. She was embarrassed that this canon-rape had got so bad, and therefore - will you get off me?
Oh, you're angry! I can help you!
Yes, easily. Stop trying to undo my belt!
“Could you look through your sisters eyes and tell us what’s going on in Ravenclaw Tower?” asked Herm.
No, because that would be a load of bullshit.
Parvati nodded and closed her eyes. She then proceeded to start to make things up on the spot. “The door to their Common room has just opened. It’s Luna. She’s... taking all of her clothes off? They haven't stayed on for long so far. Damn tart. challenging the entire house to a duel! It’s some kind of duel I never heard of before . . . E Plabe Nista?”
I tried running that through several online translators, including Latin-English, and it did not work.
Typical bloody woman.
“Something about that sounds familiar to me,” observed Herm. Yes. The spell was made up to contain my power. You do realise that no-one believes you. *proceeds to sob elegantly in corner* “The rest of you stay here. I need to go to the library and look this up.”
To the library! *superman pose*
“An older Chinese girl has accepted, and Padma and a brown haired boy. I think his name is Terry?” continued Parvati, randomly plucking names from canon. “He’s casting a Stunner at her! Luna’s dodged it and is casting red spell at him! (This was a brand new type of Sue-spell that had been created. By me. What does it take to shut you up? Oh, Jack, you know that it's me you want and not my sister!) . . . She didn’t say anything! Inflatable alligator got your tongue? A couple of people are tried to gang up on her and jinx her, but she conjured a shield and blocked them. Now she’s cast a purple spell at that older Chinese girl! It went right through her shield! Now she’s created some kind of multicolored wall and sent it after a group! They’re down! She’s just disarmed a boy! Padma’s trying to get her from behind. She blocked it! Padma!”
*slowly beats head against desk*
Woman couldn't do tha'.
No, but I could take a good bite out of you...
“What happened?” asked Rhon.
Rocks fell. Everybody died.
“Padma’s awake now,” announced Parvati. “She’s . . . she’s . . . . KALI’S DANCING FEET! . . .”
That's a new Sue-skill.
That's nothing. I'm the second coming of Galadriel.
seekingnevada, you have a warped mind.
“What is it?” demanded Hari.
God only knows. Or Prophesia, as the case may be.
“She’s castrating the boys!” screamed Parvati.
*winces*
*winces in a fishy sort of way*
“What are those welts on you face?” asked Lavender.
Makes it sound like her face is all welts.
I was branded when the Orcs captured me. Want to see?
No! Put your clothes back on!
On hearing this, Parvati paled and ran up to her room.
“NOOOOOO!!!!!!!” came the sound of Parvati screaming from upstairs.
Well, it makes a change from screams of 'yes', I suppose.
The girls rushed up to see what was going on. The found Parvati in the 6th year girls bathroom standing in front of the mirror crying. Her apostrophes had been stolen. Her robe was off and her blouse and bra were open in front, exposing the Indian girl’s petite but perky breasts with their dark brown areolas and nipples. She had intricate welts on both breasts in a pattern that wrapped around them. The pattern on the right breast extended over her shoulder, wrapped around the back of her neck and ended on her left cheek. The pattern on her left breast went downward below the waist of her skirt.
Thanks for the over-share.
“What is it?” asked Lavender.
"It's the little room in the front of the plane where the pilots sit, but that's not important right now."
You're as dumb as a woman, sometimes.
You're out of the spork before too long.
“Luna put brightly colored tattoos on the Ravenclaws that look like this!” wailed Parvati. In the background, the writer's tempestuous affair with her theasaurus continued. “She says it marks them as her slaves! I’m a Slave!”
"No, I am Spartacus!"
Actually, I'm the third-time great-granddaughter of Spartacus.
That's a new one on me.
While Lavender tried to comfort her crying friend, Hari, Nelly and Rhon decided to go ask Luna what was going on. "You're a slave? Eh, whatever. It doesn't have anything to do with sex." When they opened the door leading out of the Gryfindor Common Room, Luna was waiting for them with a bucket.
"You know that you guys said help with hiding the bodies..."
"I make meat pies for no-one."
“What’s in the bucket?” asked Rhon.
The remnants of canon.
“Testicles,” replied Luna.
*winces once again in a piscine manner*
Well, I'll admit that wasn't what I was expecting.
All the boys in the common room groaned, grabbed their groins from the shelves - more detachable body parts! - and ran up to their rooms. Even Luna’s co-wives, that used to be boys, crossed their legs where they stood and grabbed at the outie bits they no longer had.
*immature sniggering*
You clearly have no respect for men...
“I thought Rhon might like a new pair, so she could go back to being Ronald,” explained Luna. "Now I just need to match them up instead!"
When they reached the Headmaster’s office, Professors Dumbledore and Flitwick were waiting for them.
My grandfather!
... Which one is that?
“Have a seat ladies, would any of your care for a lemon drop?” said Dumbledore, as he conjured chairs for them. “I understand there has been a disturbance in Ravenclaw House?”
Dude, Dumbledore doesn't always act like the jolly old Santa.
Hari shook his head, no, as Luna helped herself to the offered candy, becoming so confused by the Americanism that she forgot her punctuation.
“Herm Granger, council for the Defense,” announced Herm, as he stood up.
“Mister Granger, this is not a trial,” admonished Professor McGonnagal.
I want Gangsta!McGonagall back.
“Never-the-less, I am an idiot who cannot use words properly. my client has representation,” replied Herm. “Luna has been bullied by the members of her house for years. They have repeatedly taken her possessions. Miss Potter, why don’t you tell them what occurred earlier?”
Hari recounted her meeting with naked Luna in the hallway after the Ravenclaws had taken her last possessions and tried to kill her pet snake.
It's nothing compared to my pain. *sniff* Oh Jack, please comfort me.
If you try to undo my belt again, I will set fire to you.
It's been done before.
“After Hari loaned you a robe and a wand, then what did you do?” prompted Herm.
“I went back to Ravenclaw tower and challenged the whole house to a duel,” testified Luna
“And what form of Duel did you challenge them to?” asked Herm.
“An E Plabe Nista duel,” replied Luna.
“According to Statutes of the Wizengamott from 1293, an E Plabe Nista Duel can be invoked when a Witch or Wizard is facing three or more opponents. The loser/s then become enslaved to the Winner/s,” said Herm, as he glanced at the open book. “Luna, who accepted the duel?”
According to canon, such a duel does not exactly exist, and therefore can only be invoked by a Sue when faced by apparently unimportant canon characters. The losers then become Sueified themselves.
“Cho Chang, Padma Patil and Terry Boot,” replied Luna.
Suethor: *plucks names from books randomly*
“And you won this duel?” prompted Herm.
“Yes,” answered Luna.
Objection! Council is leading the witness.
*gasp* You have a secret identity! How amazing!
... No.
“So all the other members of your house are now your slaves?” asked Herm, as Luna nodded. “Once you’d won this duel against sixty-nine other Witches and Wizards, 10 of which whom are older and more advanced than you, what do you do then?”
Proceeded to tear canon into very small pieces.
Had to sit and cry because of the terrible knowledge of my tainted past crashing over me.
... I was talking about Luna.
You don't pay enough attention to me anymore.
“I marked them as my property and gelded the boys,” replied Luna.
Male sporkers: *wince in unison*
The professors all gasped at that!
What a surprise!
At afternoon tea, they had many questions for Luna.
Don't we all...
“Also I’ve been thinking that we should swear off the unforgivables. I mean, honestly! Look at them! Not even important enough for capital letters! The Killing Curse kills instantly and painlessly. What kind of threat is that? Erm... death? If we really want to inspire fear our enemies, there are lot of ways to kill people that and my grizzly and painful.”
*lips tremble* I've seen plenty of them
She's off again...
Well, I'm an elf you see. Well, half-elf and half-goddess... it means that I'm immortal. The Orcs were so... *dissolves into tears*
Aw, man, I'm no good with crying women...
*throws self into Jack's arms*
Dear god, help me!
“Yeah, and the Cruciatus Curse might be painful, but I saw with Vernon that threatening to cut off body parts was more persuasive,” said Myrtle and the effects are longer lasting too.”
Side effects may include loss of punctuation, destruction of canon and small rifts in the time-space continuum.
“And as for the Imperius Curse, what Luna did was a lot more effective for long term enslavement,” mused Herm. “The trouble is, that we’d have to get them to agree to the terms of the duel.”
*Extricates self from Prophesia's arms* Seriously, one chapter with a Sue and they'll be begging for enslavement...
“I think I have a way around that,” chimed in Nelly. “In the previous world, when I was Neville, I discovered that if I add a slight parseltongue accent to my speak I could seduce any woman. And there’s a trick I can do during oral with my parseltongue that can make them unable to disobey me.”
*double-take* They spelt it right!
There was a crash as Herm dropped his teacup. Oh, how terribly British. What-ho, pip pip. The harem look around in the silence and Nelly smirked and they realized that She *religious smack* had gone down on all of them at least once. Herm began trying to think up a potion that would free him, Luna was composing a dark ritual that would free her, Hari decided that she would ask nicely to be released, Myrtle was trying to figure out what would be a big enough bribe to buy her freedom, and Rhon was thinking that he deserved this fate. Believe me, there are darker fates to have...
Sue aside, that was a really crappy paragraph.
“Gotcha!” said Nelly.
They all nervously laughed, wondering if Nelly had been serious.
"Are you fucking serious?"
"Yes, that to."
I have. He uuuuuused me and then left me for Remus Lupin!
Over the next few hours, Hari was wracking her brain trying to figure out what Luna’s surprise could be. However, turning her brain into seaweed didn't really help much in the long run. Finally, she answered the riddle and entered the Ravenclaw Common Room. There was a platform in the center with a cushion on which lay the nude form of Padma Patil. In a circle around her were people with easels drawing. The new magic self-drawing easels had really gone down quite well, to be honest.
“Luna, is this your surprise?” asked Hari.
“No, this is just an art club I formed,” replied Luna as she put down her chalk and stopped drawing. “Your surprise is upstairs.”
Can we not stay downstairs and ogle the "naked form" some more?
You can, if you want.
Eh, I've no objection.
Luna led her up the stairs until they got to the 7th floor. They then proceeded down the hall past several door until Luna stopped and opened one. Having passed the same door several times, everyone was getting rather annoyed. My door's always open you know, Jack. No comment. Hari peered inside. "Heeeeeere's Johnny!" It was a small room with a bed, wardrobe and shelves of book on every wall. Damn, that's one long book. It looked a lot like Luna’s cell on the floor, below. Luna had long since got used to living in a mural on the floor. On the bed was Cho Chang, wearing only a sarong made of wrapping paper. However, it was fine golden wrapping paper imported from a faraway land and sprinkled with real saffron and myrrh. Her long, ebony hair flowed enticingly down past her waist and over the bed, shading her silver-grey eyes from the harshness of his amber gaze...
You continue trying to insert yourself - and me - into this story and you will get a smack, Prophesia.
*threatening to cry*
Aw, don't. Really.
*single tear*
*headdesk*
“You told me that she was your girlfriend last year,” explained Luna. Really? Where? It wasn't sex, so it was skipped over. “So I figured, now that she’s our slave, you might want to have your way with her.”
Well, considering that Cho is only Luna's slave, then one wrong word from Luna and Cho is gonna smack a bitch.
Well, sadly we never get to know. That is the end.
You're kidding me. That's IT?
Dumb place to leave it, I know.
Oh, Jack! Now we can be alone together!
*Starts running*
Erm... if I can get Jack back at some point he might continue sporking with me again. God, I'm glad that one's over and done with. I'm going to go and recover for a bit before returning... adios, amigos!
"Like I give a damn. Now go sort my dinner."
"Don't worry, no sign of canon reasserting itself."
“Her housemates took everything she owns!” replied Hari. I had that happen to me, you know. Several times. *single crystalline tear rolls down cheek* Oh, my soul... *tries to cling to Jack* Seriously, I don't want to end up being a published character. Already. “I gave her my wand and robe so she can teach them a lesson. But I told her we let her have our power.”
“Pavarti, is it true that magical twins can see through each other’s eyes?” inquired Herm.
“Well . . . yeah,” admitted Parvati. She was embarrassed that this canon-rape had got so bad, and therefore - will you get off me?
Oh, you're angry! I can help you!
Yes, easily. Stop trying to undo my belt!
“Could you look through your sisters eyes and tell us what’s going on in Ravenclaw Tower?” asked Herm.
No, because that would be a load of bullshit.
Parvati nodded and closed her eyes. She then proceeded to start to make things up on the spot. “The door to their Common room has just opened. It’s Luna. She’s... taking all of her clothes off? They haven't stayed on for long so far. Damn tart. challenging the entire house to a duel! It’s some kind of duel I never heard of before . . . E Plabe Nista?”
I tried running that through several online translators, including Latin-English, and it did not work.
Typical bloody woman.
“Something about that sounds familiar to me,” observed Herm. Yes. The spell was made up to contain my power. You do realise that no-one believes you. *proceeds to sob elegantly in corner* “The rest of you stay here. I need to go to the library and look this up.”
To the library! *superman pose*
“An older Chinese girl has accepted, and Padma and a brown haired boy. I think his name is Terry?” continued Parvati, randomly plucking names from canon. “He’s casting a Stunner at her! Luna’s dodged it and is casting red spell at him! (This was a brand new type of Sue-spell that had been created. By me. What does it take to shut you up? Oh, Jack, you know that it's me you want and not my sister!) . . . She didn’t say anything! Inflatable alligator got your tongue? A couple of people are tried to gang up on her and jinx her, but she conjured a shield and blocked them. Now she’s cast a purple spell at that older Chinese girl! It went right through her shield! Now she’s created some kind of multicolored wall and sent it after a group! They’re down! She’s just disarmed a boy! Padma’s trying to get her from behind. She blocked it! Padma!”
*slowly beats head against desk*
Woman couldn't do tha'.
No, but I could take a good bite out of you...
“What happened?” asked Rhon.
Rocks fell. Everybody died.
“Padma’s awake now,” announced Parvati. “She’s . . . she’s . . . . KALI’S DANCING FEET! . . .”
That's a new Sue-skill.
That's nothing. I'm the second coming of Galadriel.
seekingnevada, you have a warped mind.
“What is it?” demanded Hari.
God only knows. Or Prophesia, as the case may be.
“She’s castrating the boys!” screamed Parvati.
*winces*
*winces in a fishy sort of way*
“What are those welts on you face?” asked Lavender.
Makes it sound like her face is all welts.
I was branded when the Orcs captured me. Want to see?
No! Put your clothes back on!
On hearing this, Parvati paled and ran up to her room.
“NOOOOOO!!!!!!!” came the sound of Parvati screaming from upstairs.
Well, it makes a change from screams of 'yes', I suppose.
The girls rushed up to see what was going on. The found Parvati in the 6th year girls bathroom standing in front of the mirror crying. Her apostrophes had been stolen. Her robe was off and her blouse and bra were open in front, exposing the Indian girl’s petite but perky breasts with their dark brown areolas and nipples. She had intricate welts on both breasts in a pattern that wrapped around them. The pattern on the right breast extended over her shoulder, wrapped around the back of her neck and ended on her left cheek. The pattern on her left breast went downward below the waist of her skirt.
Thanks for the over-share.
“What is it?” asked Lavender.
"It's the little room in the front of the plane where the pilots sit, but that's not important right now."
You're as dumb as a woman, sometimes.
You're out of the spork before too long.
“Luna put brightly colored tattoos on the Ravenclaws that look like this!” wailed Parvati. In the background, the writer's tempestuous affair with her theasaurus continued. “She says it marks them as her slaves! I’m a Slave!”
"No, I am Spartacus!"
Actually, I'm the third-time great-granddaughter of Spartacus.
That's a new one on me.
While Lavender tried to comfort her crying friend, Hari, Nelly and Rhon decided to go ask Luna what was going on. "You're a slave? Eh, whatever. It doesn't have anything to do with sex." When they opened the door leading out of the Gryfindor Common Room, Luna was waiting for them with a bucket.
"You know that you guys said help with hiding the bodies..."
"I make meat pies for no-one."
“What’s in the bucket?” asked Rhon.
The remnants of canon.
“Testicles,” replied Luna.
*winces once again in a piscine manner*
Well, I'll admit that wasn't what I was expecting.
All the boys in the common room groaned, grabbed their groins from the shelves - more detachable body parts! - and ran up to their rooms. Even Luna’s co-wives, that used to be boys, crossed their legs where they stood and grabbed at the outie bits they no longer had.
*immature sniggering*
You clearly have no respect for men...
“I thought Rhon might like a new pair, so she could go back to being Ronald,” explained Luna. "Now I just need to match them up instead!"
When they reached the Headmaster’s office, Professors Dumbledore and Flitwick were waiting for them.
My grandfather!
... Which one is that?
“Have a seat ladies, would any of your care for a lemon drop?” said Dumbledore, as he conjured chairs for them. “I understand there has been a disturbance in Ravenclaw House?”
Dude, Dumbledore doesn't always act like the jolly old Santa.
Hari shook his head, no, as Luna helped herself to the offered candy, becoming so confused by the Americanism that she forgot her punctuation.
“Herm Granger, council for the Defense,” announced Herm, as he stood up.
“Mister Granger, this is not a trial,” admonished Professor McGonnagal.
I want Gangsta!McGonagall back.
“Never-the-less, I am an idiot who cannot use words properly. my client has representation,” replied Herm. “Luna has been bullied by the members of her house for years. They have repeatedly taken her possessions. Miss Potter, why don’t you tell them what occurred earlier?”
Hari recounted her meeting with naked Luna in the hallway after the Ravenclaws had taken her last possessions and tried to kill her pet snake.
It's nothing compared to my pain. *sniff* Oh Jack, please comfort me.
If you try to undo my belt again, I will set fire to you.
It's been done before.
“After Hari loaned you a robe and a wand, then what did you do?” prompted Herm.
“I went back to Ravenclaw tower and challenged the whole house to a duel,” testified Luna
“And what form of Duel did you challenge them to?” asked Herm.
“An E Plabe Nista duel,” replied Luna.
“According to Statutes of the Wizengamott from 1293, an E Plabe Nista Duel can be invoked when a Witch or Wizard is facing three or more opponents. The loser/s then become enslaved to the Winner/s,” said Herm, as he glanced at the open book. “Luna, who accepted the duel?”
According to canon, such a duel does not exactly exist, and therefore can only be invoked by a Sue when faced by apparently unimportant canon characters. The losers then become Sueified themselves.
“Cho Chang, Padma Patil and Terry Boot,” replied Luna.
Suethor: *plucks names from books randomly*
“And you won this duel?” prompted Herm.
“Yes,” answered Luna.
Objection! Council is leading the witness.
*gasp* You have a secret identity! How amazing!
... No.
“So all the other members of your house are now your slaves?” asked Herm, as Luna nodded. “Once you’d won this duel against sixty-nine other Witches and Wizards, 10 of which whom are older and more advanced than you, what do you do then?”
Proceeded to tear canon into very small pieces.
Had to sit and cry because of the terrible knowledge of my tainted past crashing over me.
... I was talking about Luna.
You don't pay enough attention to me anymore.
“I marked them as my property and gelded the boys,” replied Luna.
Male sporkers: *wince in unison*
The professors all gasped at that!
What a surprise!
At afternoon tea, they had many questions for Luna.
Don't we all...
“Also I’ve been thinking that we should swear off the unforgivables. I mean, honestly! Look at them! Not even important enough for capital letters! The Killing Curse kills instantly and painlessly. What kind of threat is that? Erm... death? If we really want to inspire fear our enemies, there are lot of ways to kill people that and my grizzly and painful.”
*lips tremble* I've seen plenty of them
She's off again...
Well, I'm an elf you see. Well, half-elf and half-goddess... it means that I'm immortal. The Orcs were so... *dissolves into tears*
Aw, man, I'm no good with crying women...
*throws self into Jack's arms*
Dear god, help me!
“Yeah, and the Cruciatus Curse might be painful, but I saw with Vernon that threatening to cut off body parts was more persuasive,” said Myrtle and the effects are longer lasting too.”
Side effects may include loss of punctuation, destruction of canon and small rifts in the time-space continuum.
“And as for the Imperius Curse, what Luna did was a lot more effective for long term enslavement,” mused Herm. “The trouble is, that we’d have to get them to agree to the terms of the duel.”
*Extricates self from Prophesia's arms* Seriously, one chapter with a Sue and they'll be begging for enslavement...
“I think I have a way around that,” chimed in Nelly. “In the previous world, when I was Neville, I discovered that if I add a slight parseltongue accent to my speak I could seduce any woman. And there’s a trick I can do during oral with my parseltongue that can make them unable to disobey me.”
*double-take* They spelt it right!
There was a crash as Herm dropped his teacup. Oh, how terribly British. What-ho, pip pip. The harem look around in the silence and Nelly smirked and they realized that She *religious smack* had gone down on all of them at least once. Herm began trying to think up a potion that would free him, Luna was composing a dark ritual that would free her, Hari decided that she would ask nicely to be released, Myrtle was trying to figure out what would be a big enough bribe to buy her freedom, and Rhon was thinking that he deserved this fate. Believe me, there are darker fates to have...
Sue aside, that was a really crappy paragraph.
“Gotcha!” said Nelly.
They all nervously laughed, wondering if Nelly had been serious.
"Are you fucking serious?"
"Yes, that to."
I have. He uuuuuused me and then left me for Remus Lupin!
Over the next few hours, Hari was wracking her brain trying to figure out what Luna’s surprise could be. However, turning her brain into seaweed didn't really help much in the long run. Finally, she answered the riddle and entered the Ravenclaw Common Room. There was a platform in the center with a cushion on which lay the nude form of Padma Patil. In a circle around her were people with easels drawing. The new magic self-drawing easels had really gone down quite well, to be honest.
“Luna, is this your surprise?” asked Hari.
“No, this is just an art club I formed,” replied Luna as she put down her chalk and stopped drawing. “Your surprise is upstairs.”
Can we not stay downstairs and ogle the "naked form" some more?
You can, if you want.
Eh, I've no objection.
Luna led her up the stairs until they got to the 7th floor. They then proceeded down the hall past several door until Luna stopped and opened one. Having passed the same door several times, everyone was getting rather annoyed. My door's always open you know, Jack. No comment. Hari peered inside. "Heeeeeere's Johnny!" It was a small room with a bed, wardrobe and shelves of book on every wall. Damn, that's one long book. It looked a lot like Luna’s cell on the floor, below. Luna had long since got used to living in a mural on the floor. On the bed was Cho Chang, wearing only a sarong made of wrapping paper. However, it was fine golden wrapping paper imported from a faraway land and sprinkled with real saffron and myrrh. Her long, ebony hair flowed enticingly down past her waist and over the bed, shading her silver-grey eyes from the harshness of his amber gaze...
You continue trying to insert yourself - and me - into this story and you will get a smack, Prophesia.
*threatening to cry*
Aw, don't. Really.
*single tear*
*headdesk*
“You told me that she was your girlfriend last year,” explained Luna. Really? Where? It wasn't sex, so it was skipped over. “So I figured, now that she’s our slave, you might want to have your way with her.”
Well, considering that Cho is only Luna's slave, then one wrong word from Luna and Cho is gonna smack a bitch.
Well, sadly we never get to know. That is the end.
You're kidding me. That's IT?
Dumb place to leave it, I know.
Oh, Jack! Now we can be alone together!
*Starts running*
Erm... if I can get Jack back at some point he might continue sporking with me again. God, I'm glad that one's over and done with. I'm going to go and recover for a bit before returning... adios, amigos!