Grouphate
I don't even know where to lodge this complaint about my grief group. This is the feedback I would leave at the conclusion of the six months of meetings, but I don't know if I can take one more meeting due to the ensuing issue:
I did not want a general grief group. I knew there would be conflicts with the levels of grief and depths of the losses. Even though I was referred to the facility that hosts the groups by Mum's hospice, it still took until this past summer to get a consultation. By then, "too much time had passed" since the last loss I'd racked up, so I didn't qualify for the parent-specific grief group. Which was BULLSHIT.
The person who evaluated me considered getting me into a group an urgency (as I'm apparently not doing as "okay" or "well" as everyone thinks), so she asked the facilitators to make an exception for me to attend a parent loss group. They said no, but okayed my bypassing at least six more months on a waitlist for a general grief group. So instead of having to wait at least half a year, I was invited to a group the day after my consultation.
The first session was held via Zoom in September. There was an older lady whose very old dad had died, two suicide deaths - dead dad and dead daughter (and I think the group member daughter and mother should both be in a suicide loss group), a thirtysomething lady whose grandmother died, a thirtysomething widow, a twentysomething girl whose best friend died of cancer, and an old lady whose granddaughter died in her early 30s due to medical negligence. The living group member grandmother is with whom my issue lies.
At the first session, I shared that I have no support system, no friends or family who helped me and my dad when my mom died, and that there was no one who be arsed to do anything for me when my dad died. No one thought I might need a cleaning service to take away the burden of cleaning my apartment, Uber credits so I didn't have to drive, or - what I thought ALWAYS happened when a death occured - gifts of meals so I didn't have to cook. I shared that right after my dad's death when I was alone, I often went hungry or cooked something for myself that tasted rotten due to grief, so I scraped many full meals of fresh food into the trash. I remember this grandmother snapping, "Yeah, nobody brought me a meal either." When other people in the group hear something relatable, they say, "I can relate to what So-and-So shared because of X, and So-and-So, I'm sorry that you had to go through that." Instead of being treated that way, I was snapped at like what I shared was stupid and I was stupid for sharing it.
Also in the first session, I shared that I've started posting grief-releated content on social media almost daily, as that's my life now, and you're supposed to tell people how you need to be treated. I said that instead of showing support in the way that I ask, many people have deleted me instead. The grandmother said, "Well, that's when you stop posting things that drive people away." She also responded to something else that I said using so many instances of "you" that one of the moderators interrupted her and asked her to use "I" instead, so it doesn't seem like she's "calling anyone out".
The second session was at the end of September, and the grandmother didn't attend. I didn't feel challenged by another member at any point during that session.
She was back at last night's meeting. We were asked to create sympathy cards bearing images or messages that we wished we had received. I made my card and tearfully read the message. The grandmother volunteered to go after me, and she prefaced her creation with this solioquy about how some deaths come after long, fulfilling lives and relationships, and her grief - the death of her young adult granddaughter - is "a different kind of loss", a "more profound grief". To me, it was obviously she was responding to me, or commenting on my presence in the group.
I have NO ONE for support. That's why I'm in this fucking group. I'm not paying to be there to have someone insinuating that their grief is more "profound" and making snide, dismissive remarks about everything I share. I'm sick of her shit and have decided that I'll try one more meeting. When we're asked how our grief was over the past two weeks, I'm going to bring up an instance that happened to me at the beginning of September: I met up with a friend for the first time in a decade to catch up. He's always been rich, spoiled, and successful, so of course it's easy for him to have a positive outlook and he could not compute how awful life is for me. He also completely dismissed my feelings: he started rhapsodising about how everyone gets old and dies and it's a part of life, and then he told me about how both of his parents each have a foot in the grave and he knows their deaths are going to be sad, but inevitable. I was completely expecting this from him because I know he's a Sammy Sunshine whose deepest sorrow in life was having his favourite guitar stolen from his new BMW, so I just racked it up as yet another person who can't be supportive of me. So, at the next meeting, I'm going to relate this little tale and share how fucking insulting it was to hear my grief dismissed and minimised, and hope she gets the hint. If she continues to pull her shit, I'm rethinking my involvement with the group. I'm documenting all this today as the feedback I'll send the moderators and faciltators if necessary.
This is what I wrote in my sympathy card - what I needed to hear but didn't:
"I will not ask if you're okay, because I know you're not okay.
I will NEVER ask if you're 'feeling better', because nothing could ever make this better.
I will remember birthdays and anniversaries and honour them with you.*
I will send meals, help with chores, or give you a day off or a day out of 'fun' having an experience...not just 'at first' but anytime, because difficult days will always be ahead."
*Aunt Kris and Kourtney are the only ones who have remembered every birthday and anniversary with calls, emails, texts, and cards.
I did not want a general grief group. I knew there would be conflicts with the levels of grief and depths of the losses. Even though I was referred to the facility that hosts the groups by Mum's hospice, it still took until this past summer to get a consultation. By then, "too much time had passed" since the last loss I'd racked up, so I didn't qualify for the parent-specific grief group. Which was BULLSHIT.
The person who evaluated me considered getting me into a group an urgency (as I'm apparently not doing as "okay" or "well" as everyone thinks), so she asked the facilitators to make an exception for me to attend a parent loss group. They said no, but okayed my bypassing at least six more months on a waitlist for a general grief group. So instead of having to wait at least half a year, I was invited to a group the day after my consultation.
The first session was held via Zoom in September. There was an older lady whose very old dad had died, two suicide deaths - dead dad and dead daughter (and I think the group member daughter and mother should both be in a suicide loss group), a thirtysomething lady whose grandmother died, a thirtysomething widow, a twentysomething girl whose best friend died of cancer, and an old lady whose granddaughter died in her early 30s due to medical negligence. The living group member grandmother is with whom my issue lies.
At the first session, I shared that I have no support system, no friends or family who helped me and my dad when my mom died, and that there was no one who be arsed to do anything for me when my dad died. No one thought I might need a cleaning service to take away the burden of cleaning my apartment, Uber credits so I didn't have to drive, or - what I thought ALWAYS happened when a death occured - gifts of meals so I didn't have to cook. I shared that right after my dad's death when I was alone, I often went hungry or cooked something for myself that tasted rotten due to grief, so I scraped many full meals of fresh food into the trash. I remember this grandmother snapping, "Yeah, nobody brought me a meal either." When other people in the group hear something relatable, they say, "I can relate to what So-and-So shared because of X, and So-and-So, I'm sorry that you had to go through that." Instead of being treated that way, I was snapped at like what I shared was stupid and I was stupid for sharing it.
Also in the first session, I shared that I've started posting grief-releated content on social media almost daily, as that's my life now, and you're supposed to tell people how you need to be treated. I said that instead of showing support in the way that I ask, many people have deleted me instead. The grandmother said, "Well, that's when you stop posting things that drive people away." She also responded to something else that I said using so many instances of "you" that one of the moderators interrupted her and asked her to use "I" instead, so it doesn't seem like she's "calling anyone out".
The second session was at the end of September, and the grandmother didn't attend. I didn't feel challenged by another member at any point during that session.
She was back at last night's meeting. We were asked to create sympathy cards bearing images or messages that we wished we had received. I made my card and tearfully read the message. The grandmother volunteered to go after me, and she prefaced her creation with this solioquy about how some deaths come after long, fulfilling lives and relationships, and her grief - the death of her young adult granddaughter - is "a different kind of loss", a "more profound grief". To me, it was obviously she was responding to me, or commenting on my presence in the group.
I have NO ONE for support. That's why I'm in this fucking group. I'm not paying to be there to have someone insinuating that their grief is more "profound" and making snide, dismissive remarks about everything I share. I'm sick of her shit and have decided that I'll try one more meeting. When we're asked how our grief was over the past two weeks, I'm going to bring up an instance that happened to me at the beginning of September: I met up with a friend for the first time in a decade to catch up. He's always been rich, spoiled, and successful, so of course it's easy for him to have a positive outlook and he could not compute how awful life is for me. He also completely dismissed my feelings: he started rhapsodising about how everyone gets old and dies and it's a part of life, and then he told me about how both of his parents each have a foot in the grave and he knows their deaths are going to be sad, but inevitable. I was completely expecting this from him because I know he's a Sammy Sunshine whose deepest sorrow in life was having his favourite guitar stolen from his new BMW, so I just racked it up as yet another person who can't be supportive of me. So, at the next meeting, I'm going to relate this little tale and share how fucking insulting it was to hear my grief dismissed and minimised, and hope she gets the hint. If she continues to pull her shit, I'm rethinking my involvement with the group. I'm documenting all this today as the feedback I'll send the moderators and faciltators if necessary.
This is what I wrote in my sympathy card - what I needed to hear but didn't:
"I will not ask if you're okay, because I know you're not okay.
I will NEVER ask if you're 'feeling better', because nothing could ever make this better.
I will remember birthdays and anniversaries and honour them with you.*
I will send meals, help with chores, or give you a day off or a day out of 'fun' having an experience...not just 'at first' but anytime, because difficult days will always be ahead."
*Aunt Kris and Kourtney are the only ones who have remembered every birthday and anniversary with calls, emails, texts, and cards.