it's funny...
that even though i spent the past ten years imagining this would happen...it's still a shocker. i spent our whole relationship fearing this and thinking it would happen and i built up the wall so that when it did happen, i wouldn't be hurt...yet it hurts worse than i ever imagined.
maybe it's because of the circumstances (which i WILL explain in full detail soon...one day i'm good, one day i'm not, so it's been hard), maybe it's because i don't want to believe he's not the one for me, maybe it's because i still feel he IS the one for me, maybe it's because it was only my head that believed this would happen (never my heart...that's where the battle always was, between my head and my heart)...who knows, but this isn't how i really wanted my life to end up, yet it's exactly what i always thought would happen. so really, i shouldn't be so shocked.
i hate the emotions that i am going through. one day i'm fine, one day i'm a complete mess. anger, love, hate, depression, hope...i'm so sick of feeling all these emotions every single day. i just want to be okay. i just want us to be okay, together.
i believe everything happens for a reason...so i'm trying to believe that this has happened because god knew that i need to learn to love myself and focus on putting myself first for a change so that we can come back together stronger than ever (i mean look at how many times we've parted ways and then come back together - but i never focused on me and i believe deep down this is the time to focus on me and me alone) and that eventually everything will be okay. that if we are meant to be, we will be, but at the same time...i'm scared that that isn't the reason. i hate not knowing...i hate not being in control (which is truly where all my problems stemmed from in our relationship)...i just want to rewind back to january when i thought this year was going to be the most amazing year for me, for us. i wish i could go back and change so much. i hate that i can't change any of it.
i wish i could just go to sleep and never wake up. i wish this was all just a horrible, bad dream or a bad joke.
prayers are appreciated.
it's really not so funny...