vague
Have you ever felt vague? Just a
sense of not knowing what you believe or who are or why you give a damn
about anything? That has been the dominant feeling in my life lately,
and it's not really pleasant. Sometimes, I look back at my first couple
years at Cedarville and ask myself if I wasn't happier then in my own
little world of godliness and "perfection." I was "spending time wih
God" and "keeping up with my spiritual disciplines", but I think that
was a false happiness because it was based soley on my "success" in my
Christian life. That wasn't right, and I'll never go back to that.
Now though, I wish I had the same peace that I felt with my false sense of self and happiness. Now, I just have too many questions, doubts, and ultimately too much pride to see past my intellect, my pleasures in life, my relationships that satisfy me, but that are all ultimately temporary. I know I need to cling to something bigger than myself. I know I need to be dependent on God, but I'm so afraid of that looking like the only thing I've ever known it to look like that I keep fighting it. I don't want to be who I used to be, but I know that I cannot stay who I am now.
Now though, I wish I had the same peace that I felt with my false sense of self and happiness. Now, I just have too many questions, doubts, and ultimately too much pride to see past my intellect, my pleasures in life, my relationships that satisfy me, but that are all ultimately temporary. I know I need to cling to something bigger than myself. I know I need to be dependent on God, but I'm so afraid of that looking like the only thing I've ever known it to look like that I keep fighting it. I don't want to be who I used to be, but I know that I cannot stay who I am now.