Damn I'm falling apart again
Hey journal its been a long time since I last talked to ya, but glad ur here to listen... Seems I only use ya when I'm depressed and feel like I'm going crazy. Cant seem to write it on my xanga since thats where I try to act like I'm all happy and shit. Plus no one reads this but me so its a good place for solitude. Well truth be told is I'm not. I thought I had pulled myself together and started having things go my way again... who knos maybe I was, but now I've plunged even further.
Its hard to live and goto school and try to play the part u usually do, when u dont even kno who u are. I feel as if... idk that this isnt how my life is supposed to be, as if what I am doing is meaningless compared as to what I'm supposed to be doing. Yea we all get bored with our lives but this is more, I truly dont kno myself anymore. When I look in the mirror in the morning, I dont recognize who it is and if sometimes do kno it doesnt seem right. How I act at school is not how I wanna act, like ppl arent really seeing me for who I really am. My search has turned up nuthin, no hints or clues. I certainly dont feel like ending it but I just want a renewal, a replay button to press and start over from the beginning... but there is no such thing.
Things at home go from bad to worse, I feel so suppressed. I try to focus on my work and things I wanna do but I just cant seem to. It feels as if my mind is breaking apart and I just dont care. I prob am depressed but I cant seem to care about that either... Its not about being single right now b/c I dont wanna have to deal with a female on top of everything else, thats even if one wanted to go with such a messed up bastard.
Hmm this is usually the part where I write optimistic thoughts about how one day I'll be fine and everything will work out. But I just cant seem to do it, just dont think it will.. I kno my life hasnt even started yet but if this is how most of it will be, a life of mediocrity is not one I want to live. I just have to keep going, I'm not one to quit even if the path ahead is dark and arduous (cant spell right now). Hey what do ya kno I did say something optimistic, kudos for me
Thanks for listening lj even if u dont respond, its helped...a little
Its hard to live and goto school and try to play the part u usually do, when u dont even kno who u are. I feel as if... idk that this isnt how my life is supposed to be, as if what I am doing is meaningless compared as to what I'm supposed to be doing. Yea we all get bored with our lives but this is more, I truly dont kno myself anymore. When I look in the mirror in the morning, I dont recognize who it is and if sometimes do kno it doesnt seem right. How I act at school is not how I wanna act, like ppl arent really seeing me for who I really am. My search has turned up nuthin, no hints or clues. I certainly dont feel like ending it but I just want a renewal, a replay button to press and start over from the beginning... but there is no such thing.
Things at home go from bad to worse, I feel so suppressed. I try to focus on my work and things I wanna do but I just cant seem to. It feels as if my mind is breaking apart and I just dont care. I prob am depressed but I cant seem to care about that either... Its not about being single right now b/c I dont wanna have to deal with a female on top of everything else, thats even if one wanted to go with such a messed up bastard.
Hmm this is usually the part where I write optimistic thoughts about how one day I'll be fine and everything will work out. But I just cant seem to do it, just dont think it will.. I kno my life hasnt even started yet but if this is how most of it will be, a life of mediocrity is not one I want to live. I just have to keep going, I'm not one to quit even if the path ahead is dark and arduous (cant spell right now). Hey what do ya kno I did say something optimistic, kudos for me
Thanks for listening lj even if u dont respond, its helped...a little