i'm soaking in a blissful bath of evil.

[seekatsing]

i don't know who's controlling my mind anymore... but i know it's not me.

i'm not who i want to be. and i'm afraid i'm too deep in whatever this is to redeem myself.
i hate who i've let myself become.

the only good thing in my life right now is luc. he is the love of my life, i'm head over heels. but i never see him... when i do it's after he's worked a long day and he doesn't want to do anything. i can't blame him... but i also can't help the resentment that has begun to fill me up... i'm becoming cynical and angry. not only because i sit alone, bored, and lazy waiting for him, but because i have a family who truly despises me.

i've shut myself off from a lot of people because they can see my unhappiness. then they challenge me. i don't like that. i like being happy with my boyfriend without having to think about the things that could be hurting me... i'm sure a lot of people think the bad outweigh the good in our relationship... but they don't know what it's like to have someone who makes me feel... i don't even know. shit, i'm not even sure if it's good. i've tried not to think about it.

fuck, i really hope i'm not doing this again. i need to step out of it and see the reality.

sometimes my mind knows. it just knows... and it searches for attention from others. and i get it. and it's bad.

i'm like two people. one is living free, light hearted, crazy. the other is bashful, a pushover, stupid, ignorant. maybe i'll just live both.

i'm a horrible horrible person. and everyone knows it.