Some deep thought bubbles in my eyes
This year has been so much better than the past 2. Sadly 2007 was a wake up call and a time of healing with lessons learned by holding my hand over the fire. I feel I am finally acting like myself after years of turmoil and pain. I find myself learning to not make the same mistakes again. To act with honestly being thoughtful not just courteous and to feel comfortable without faking it. Life honestly has not been easy but I have good friends took care of me and a family who made sure I made it through. I feel very hopeful at this point a couple years ago I thought I had destroyed everything
and in some ways I had. I know it was not a joy to be around me but I will always never forget the fact a bunch of you stayed around.
For this I am so thankful and I realize how lucky I am. I know that my luck is changing and that girl I have dreamt about is just about here. Who knows who she is but I am sure I will find out soon. I realize that the girl I felt was the one probably wasn't even though I was bullheaded enough to think she was perfect for me. I pretty much know she is going to marry the man I met when she brought him here. Which is fine He is a good guy. I know I spent a lot of time around him. Still I can't help remembering how she wouldn't close the car door until I had walked away. I would be wrong to think it was all about me. I know most of my past rants have been lacking intelligence or kindness so this is me turning a new leaf. No more fanatic battering of those who I lump into a large bag. Please know I feel blessed to have you all as friends. I don't think words express this as well as actions taken to be a better being. I will be blunt it was hard to get to the point where the thought of her marriage to him didn't have me in tears. I have done much for her and would do it again. I knew it was to good to be true when we started falling asleep in each others arms on a regular basis and she said I feel like I am taking advantage of the situation of course I was so happy just to lay beside her. I wonder at times had my doctor not screwed up my meds would we be together who knows? All I know is I am lucky to know her and she lived through my breakdown at her feet. When my grandma died she took me out and made sure she was there. She saw me crumble and that was not easy for her. I will always remember how she overlooked things until I had become a simmering jealous desperation. At this point I would just cry once I realized how bad I had been to her. I fell farther than I ever have in my life at that point. I just hope I am not alone much longer it has been too long. I am ready for something better than a cold bed. I know it will be warm soon and yes I will be happy to hold her in my arms. Whoever she is. She will be the apple of my eye. I will treat her very well indeed
and in some ways I had. I know it was not a joy to be around me but I will always never forget the fact a bunch of you stayed around.
For this I am so thankful and I realize how lucky I am. I know that my luck is changing and that girl I have dreamt about is just about here. Who knows who she is but I am sure I will find out soon. I realize that the girl I felt was the one probably wasn't even though I was bullheaded enough to think she was perfect for me. I pretty much know she is going to marry the man I met when she brought him here. Which is fine He is a good guy. I know I spent a lot of time around him. Still I can't help remembering how she wouldn't close the car door until I had walked away. I would be wrong to think it was all about me. I know most of my past rants have been lacking intelligence or kindness so this is me turning a new leaf. No more fanatic battering of those who I lump into a large bag. Please know I feel blessed to have you all as friends. I don't think words express this as well as actions taken to be a better being. I will be blunt it was hard to get to the point where the thought of her marriage to him didn't have me in tears. I have done much for her and would do it again. I knew it was to good to be true when we started falling asleep in each others arms on a regular basis and she said I feel like I am taking advantage of the situation of course I was so happy just to lay beside her. I wonder at times had my doctor not screwed up my meds would we be together who knows? All I know is I am lucky to know her and she lived through my breakdown at her feet. When my grandma died she took me out and made sure she was there. She saw me crumble and that was not easy for her. I will always remember how she overlooked things until I had become a simmering jealous desperation. At this point I would just cry once I realized how bad I had been to her. I fell farther than I ever have in my life at that point. I just hope I am not alone much longer it has been too long. I am ready for something better than a cold bed. I know it will be warm soon and yes I will be happy to hold her in my arms. Whoever she is. She will be the apple of my eye. I will treat her very well indeed