Well I don't want to be a lion.
Mom doesn’t seem to believe I’m job hunting at all. Do you know how painful it is when you hear Hardees is hiring, give them an application, and you don’t hear back? Don’t even get an interview? With a fast food restaurant, something you told yourself you’d never stoop down to before.
This when you’ve been told all your life that you’re smarter than an average person.
It’s so painful. I feel humiliated every time I hand an application over. It’s like giving some stranger a paper that you know says “Hi I’m probably the biggest loser you’ll ever meet, please help me.”
I hate asking for help. I barely eat or drink at friends' houses, just because I don't feel right taking their food. I wait til I get home to shower, so I don't use their water or water heater or soap. Even when noona said she wanted me to come to Jessie's party, and I told her I'd have trouble with the gas, she tried to give me money saying she wanted me to be there - but I wouldn't take it because I don't feel worth it.
I hate even being offered those things. I hate when someone asks if they can help me. Because I'm already dependant enough. I can't do anything for myself, so can I at least pretend - with my friends - that I don't always always live a life taking and taking?
I hate taking. I don't want anything at all, except to give, and I can't even do that.
I can't tell my friends directly how miserable I am. Even if I'm sobbing and crying, and they say "are you ok?" I have to respond with "Yep fine." Even if they comment on this very entry by chance, I'm gonna say "I was just in a mood lol you know me. Miss MOODY~. I'LL WATCH ONEW AND BE OKAY. :D"
I need help and I won't let anyone help me. I can't let anyone help me. HOW can anyone help me? Unless of course they're like "Hey I got a job :D it pays money."
I know I'm not an awful waste of space. I know I have the ability to make people smile, which instantly makes me not a waste of space on it's own. I, for one, think myself to be extremely cool. Maybe it's because I've put myself on this pedastal that I'm so fucking miserable about my unemployment.
I'd rather be homeless, sometimes. So tired of taking.
I'm trying. So hard. And no one knows, because there's never any fucking results.
And here I am breaking down and letting it out but what the FUCK is it going to change?
I'm like a cat that followed a lion around, and the lion was like "*JUMPS OVER GIANT HOLES*" and I, the cat, am like "Shit I can't do that, uh.. I'll find another way around?" But like, all I'm doing is walking backwards looking for a path.
WELL GUESS WHAT, LION. AT LEAST I'M CUTER THAN YOU.
EDIT: I do not think I am a loser. Despite being unemployed with not even a high school diploma, I don't think I'm a loser. A loser would have nothing, and most importantly, I do have special people who care about me. In fact, I think I'm amazing person, because I have an amazing ability even though it's invisible and maybe no one believes it's there, I think it's like a super power. I love people so much and so easily, and I genuinely love making them smile, and I really give everyone a chance, I'm such a seriously for real NICE person and I've never ever intentionally hurt anyone except for in the sexy way, and even more than all that, I work really REALLY hard. I do.
And I know very well that if it wasn't for that fucking paper that I have to hand over... if I could just do interviews, I know a decent person would see that in me. Because I *AM* special, and all I need is a chance to prove it.
Even as I sit here balling my eyes out... I love me.
One day, I'll show everybody.
This when you’ve been told all your life that you’re smarter than an average person.
It’s so painful. I feel humiliated every time I hand an application over. It’s like giving some stranger a paper that you know says “Hi I’m probably the biggest loser you’ll ever meet, please help me.”
I hate asking for help. I barely eat or drink at friends' houses, just because I don't feel right taking their food. I wait til I get home to shower, so I don't use their water or water heater or soap. Even when noona said she wanted me to come to Jessie's party, and I told her I'd have trouble with the gas, she tried to give me money saying she wanted me to be there - but I wouldn't take it because I don't feel worth it.
I hate even being offered those things. I hate when someone asks if they can help me. Because I'm already dependant enough. I can't do anything for myself, so can I at least pretend - with my friends - that I don't always always live a life taking and taking?
I hate taking. I don't want anything at all, except to give, and I can't even do that.
I can't tell my friends directly how miserable I am. Even if I'm sobbing and crying, and they say "are you ok?" I have to respond with "Yep fine." Even if they comment on this very entry by chance, I'm gonna say "I was just in a mood lol you know me. Miss MOODY~. I'LL WATCH ONEW AND BE OKAY. :D"
I need help and I won't let anyone help me. I can't let anyone help me. HOW can anyone help me? Unless of course they're like "Hey I got a job :D it pays money."
I know I'm not an awful waste of space. I know I have the ability to make people smile, which instantly makes me not a waste of space on it's own. I, for one, think myself to be extremely cool. Maybe it's because I've put myself on this pedastal that I'm so fucking miserable about my unemployment.
I'd rather be homeless, sometimes. So tired of taking.
I'm trying. So hard. And no one knows, because there's never any fucking results.
And here I am breaking down and letting it out but what the FUCK is it going to change?
I'm like a cat that followed a lion around, and the lion was like "*JUMPS OVER GIANT HOLES*" and I, the cat, am like "Shit I can't do that, uh.. I'll find another way around?" But like, all I'm doing is walking backwards looking for a path.
WELL GUESS WHAT, LION. AT LEAST I'M CUTER THAN YOU.
EDIT: I do not think I am a loser. Despite being unemployed with not even a high school diploma, I don't think I'm a loser. A loser would have nothing, and most importantly, I do have special people who care about me. In fact, I think I'm amazing person, because I have an amazing ability even though it's invisible and maybe no one believes it's there, I think it's like a super power. I love people so much and so easily, and I genuinely love making them smile, and I really give everyone a chance, I'm such a seriously for real NICE person and I've never ever intentionally hurt anyone except for in the sexy way, and even more than all that, I work really REALLY hard. I do.
And I know very well that if it wasn't for that fucking paper that I have to hand over... if I could just do interviews, I know a decent person would see that in me. Because I *AM* special, and all I need is a chance to prove it.
Even as I sit here balling my eyes out... I love me.
One day, I'll show everybody.