Re: [Action]a_for_tioriDecember 16 2009, 17:06:54 UTC
[Sasuke bites his tongue until he tastes blood, because it's the only way he can shut up the part of him which is screaming to kill kill kill kill this thing which has invaded his space. This is not the first time Itachi has touched him like this, but it is dark and there is fear in the air, and either way Sasuke may never get used to this.
He swallows down the copper taste of it and has to tell himself three times to remove his hand from his sword before he can finally do it.
Itachi is squirming and shivering - something is wrong, something is wrong - but Sasuke knows what this is. Because there was a time when he was this exact same child, waking up in the middle of the night in a fit of terror, so scared that he felt like he couldn't even hold himself together, like he would just fly to pieces unless someone didn't hold him together. And he had fled - not to his mother's room, because Father was there and Father wouldn't like it - but to his brother.]
I'm here.
[He sounds almost dumbfounded. Itachi, running to him in the middle of the night. He's here, but he can barely believe it.]
[Itachi looks up at Sasuke, wondering why his tone is so strange, but at the same time so relieved. It was all a dream, and Sasuke isn't gone...he didn't lose his little brother.
Then he realizes how stiff Sasuke is...and how stupid he acted just throwing himself on his little brother like that. Sasuke doesn't like to be touched.
Slowly, he starts to move away.]
I...I'm sorry. I don't... [He doesn't know what to say, because this is stupid, he's stupid, and he's much stronger than this. Sasuke doesn't need a whimpy child to protect.]
Re: [Action]a_for_tioriDecember 17 2009, 00:25:56 UTC
[Don't, don't turn away from me.
Itachi is young now, and doesn't understand anything, really, that has come between them. Doesn't know what he's done to Sasuke, how he's always left him behind, always turned away from him. How that's burned Sasuke. Itachi doesn't know any of these things anymore, and that is perfect because sometimes it's like those things never happened at all, but other times Sasuke can't help but remember, and he has to hold himself back. From anger. From thoughts like - you bastard, don't you dare turn away from me, don't leave me after you've done this to me.
He hasn't done anything to Sasuke, of course. He is a child. He is small and scared and needy and he has never done anything but loved Sasuke, never been anything but devoted (Itachi has always been like that, though, it's always been that - love, love, love which drove him, ripped Sasuke to fucking pieces, shredded him, Itachi's love is like a hurricane that rips away everything else, that bastard) and he has only been good to Sasuke and he is good, now, fundamentally. He is good - but Sasuke is still fucked and wrong and can't it, that Itachi is going to pull away from him, like he doesn't need Sasuke anymore.
You can't discard me, he thinks. He knows on some level that this is a wrong thought. An insane thought. Also a stupid one, because Itachi doesn't need him and never has, and Sasuke is just wanting something he can never have, again. Stupid.
Stupid, to grab Itachi's shoulder, to hold him there. And to watch him, without speaking, eyes wide with something he can't put into words.]
[Sasuke grabs him and Itachi is still staring at him with confusion, because Sasuke won't let him move away...but Sasuke doesn't like being touched. Itachi tries not to, tries to keep his distance so that he doesn't make his little brother uncomfortable...but now Sasuke is stopping him.
What should he do? What can he do to make Sasuke understand? He can't tell him he had a stupid dream...because that dream shouldn't mean anything. Itachi never saw his parents die and Sasuke never went missing and he hasn't lost him. Sasuke is here...and Itachi doesn't want to lose him. Doesn't want to feel that horrible tearing in his chest where he thought he would never find him again.
I--I can't do it.
The tears are coming, but his eyes are shining with wetness as his fingers subconsciously twist in Sasuke's shirt.]
I'm sorry. I didn't mean...to wake you. I just--[He stops abruptly because he can't say I just can't lose you.]
Re: [Action]a_for_tioriDecember 17 2009, 00:50:52 UTC
[Sasuke's eyes are still spinning, red and black, and they take in everything. Every twitch of Itachi's face, the troubled wrinkling of his brow and the trembling of his mouth and the wet shine in his eyes.
He should turn them off. He should, right now. He might scare Itachi like this, and he doesn't want to do that. He doesn't want to hurt Itachi. It isn't what he meant to do, turning them on. It's just a reflex, a natural reaction of training. It's just that Sasuke is fucked up and he can't do anything but break things, even if he doesn't mean to.
His gut is twisting with anxiety - he is tired and on edge, still feeling the aftermath of a tidal wave of adrenaline, antsy with the sense that Itachi might back away and leave as suddenly as he came. Still, still. He should let his eyes fade to black. He should calm down, because Itachi is scared and one of them has to have it together.
His eyes darken, but there is still a tightness in his chest.]
[Sasuke finally turns off his Sharingan, and more of the tension in Itachi's body fades away--stress he did not even know he had. Itachi looks down, and there's a heat he feels on his face--why is he suddenly hot?--that he can't explain and yet he's also reluctant to speak. How could he tell Sasuke about how immature he had been? He was acting like an infant, getting upset of one dream.]
It's nothing. [He shakes his head and looks up with a smile on his face.]
I just got confused, is all. Things can look confusing when you first wake up.
[And he hopes that Sasuke believes him and doesn't check the Hitomi...since he knows it shares their dreams when they least want it to. He doesn't want Sasuke to see what a baby he was being.]
Re: [Action]a_for_tioriDecember 17 2009, 01:23:19 UTC
[He's lying.
Why would he...?]
Don't lie.
[He does not sound particularly annoyed by the untruth. He is more perplexed than anything else. He cannot really figure out why Itachi thinks he has to lie. Does he not trust Sasuke? Sasuke had thought that this Itachi would trust him unconditionally. But he is lying now.]
[Itachi stares at Sasuke, that unsettled feeling coming back to his stomach. Of course, Sasuke would notice. He can't lie to Sasuke. Brothers should be honest with each other. How could he lie so easily to his little brother?
He lowers his head again.]
I'm sorry.
[He pauses again, because he doesn't want to think about the dream. Itachi doesn't want to remember the bodies and the crying and how he kept running and running...
His hand tightens again, fingers digging into his palms before speaking quietly.]
It was just a dream. I shouldn't have gotten so upset about it.
Re: [Action]a_for_tioriDecember 17 2009, 02:02:17 UTC
[A dream.
Yes. Sasuke knows this.
There have always been dark things in the back of Sasuke's mind. When he was younger they would only come out at night, when his confidence and optimism and bright-eyed wonder were tucked away.
Recently, he finds they are always around, and he usually wakes from nightmares with nothing more than a resigned sigh. It's rare that things terrify him anymore.
But he remembers.]
I see.
[Ah, what to say.]
Dreams are just the result of the unconscious mind processing random bits of information.
[Sasuke's words are comforting, as they have been since Itachi found himself here in this place. Itachi feels his smile soften, and become more genuine--less strained--because Sasuke is trying to make it all better.
And just for that, he does.
Itachi knows that his dream was stupid and immature, but Sasuke doesn't seem to care, and he tells him it's okay, and Itachi can believe him so easily.]
Re: [Action]a_for_tioriDecember 17 2009, 02:55:27 UTC
Was I -
[He doesn't finish the sentence. He shouldn't ask about the dream. Itachi probably won't want to talk about it. He should change the subject somehow. Talk about something completely unrelated.]
It's not important.
[Stupid. He shouldn't have brought it up. He doesn't want to upset Itachi. He just isn't used to being able to upset Itachi.]
[Itachi's still smiling because Sasuke is awkward, but always good-intentioned. Sasuke would never hurt him intentionally. Itachi can trust Sasuke more than he can trust himself. Sasuke has all his memories, is older than Itachi right now, and he's told Itachi so much that he doesn't know. Sasuke is his lifeline...the one he can always turn to.
But Itachi doesn't want to remember the dream where little Sasuke is gone and Itachi is lost is a world full of dead bodies, never able to find him. So he doesn't, because he knows Sasuke will understand.]
All that's important is that we're here right now.
[He shifts closer again, wanting to be near Sasuke as much as possible. Wanting to feel the heat from his body against his side and hear his breath and his heartbeat as loud as he can. Because Sasuke's presence right now is all that matters.]
He swallows down the copper taste of it and has to tell himself three times to remove his hand from his sword before he can finally do it.
Itachi is squirming and shivering - something is wrong, something is wrong - but Sasuke knows what this is. Because there was a time when he was this exact same child, waking up in the middle of the night in a fit of terror, so scared that he felt like he couldn't even hold himself together, like he would just fly to pieces unless someone didn't hold him together. And he had fled - not to his mother's room, because Father was there and Father wouldn't like it - but to his brother.]
I'm here.
[He sounds almost dumbfounded. Itachi, running to him in the middle of the night. He's here, but he can barely believe it.]
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Then he realizes how stiff Sasuke is...and how stupid he acted just throwing himself on his little brother like that. Sasuke doesn't like to be touched.
Slowly, he starts to move away.]
I...I'm sorry. I don't... [He doesn't know what to say, because this is stupid, he's stupid, and he's much stronger than this. Sasuke doesn't need a whimpy child to protect.]
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Itachi is young now, and doesn't understand anything, really, that has come between them. Doesn't know what he's done to Sasuke, how he's always left him behind, always turned away from him. How that's burned Sasuke. Itachi doesn't know any of these things anymore, and that is perfect because sometimes it's like those things never happened at all, but other times Sasuke can't help but remember, and he has to hold himself back. From anger. From thoughts like - you bastard, don't you dare turn away from me, don't leave me after you've done this to me.
He hasn't done anything to Sasuke, of course. He is a child. He is small and scared and needy and he has never done anything but loved Sasuke, never been anything but devoted (Itachi has always been like that, though, it's always been that - love, love, love which drove him, ripped Sasuke to fucking pieces, shredded him, Itachi's love is like a hurricane that rips away everything else, that bastard) and he has only been good to Sasuke and he is good, now, fundamentally. He is good - but Sasuke is still fucked and wrong and can't it, that Itachi is going to pull away from him, like he doesn't need Sasuke anymore.
You can't discard me, he thinks. He knows on some level that this is a wrong thought. An insane thought. Also a stupid one, because Itachi doesn't need him and never has, and Sasuke is just wanting something he can never have, again. Stupid.
Stupid, to grab Itachi's shoulder, to hold him there. And to watch him, without speaking, eyes wide with something he can't put into words.]
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What should he do? What can he do to make Sasuke understand? He can't tell him he had a stupid dream...because that dream shouldn't mean anything. Itachi never saw his parents die and Sasuke never went missing and he hasn't lost him. Sasuke is here...and Itachi doesn't want to lose him. Doesn't want to feel that horrible tearing in his chest where he thought he would never find him again.
I--I can't do it.
The tears are coming, but his eyes are shining with wetness as his fingers subconsciously twist in Sasuke's shirt.]
I'm sorry. I didn't mean...to wake you. I just--[He stops abruptly because he can't say I just can't lose you.]
I just...wanted to know you were here.
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He should turn them off. He should, right now. He might scare Itachi like this, and he doesn't want to do that. He doesn't want to hurt Itachi. It isn't what he meant to do, turning them on. It's just a reflex, a natural reaction of training. It's just that Sasuke is fucked up and he can't do anything but break things, even if he doesn't mean to.
His gut is twisting with anxiety - he is tired and on edge, still feeling the aftermath of a tidal wave of adrenaline, antsy with the sense that Itachi might back away and leave as suddenly as he came. Still, still. He should let his eyes fade to black. He should calm down, because Itachi is scared and one of them has to have it together.
His eyes darken, but there is still a tightness in his chest.]
What happened, Itachi.
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It's nothing. [He shakes his head and looks up with a smile on his face.]
I just got confused, is all. Things can look confusing when you first wake up.
[And he hopes that Sasuke believes him and doesn't check the Hitomi...since he knows it shares their dreams when they least want it to. He doesn't want Sasuke to see what a baby he was being.]
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Why would he...?]
Don't lie.
[He does not sound particularly annoyed by the untruth. He is more perplexed than anything else. He cannot really figure out why Itachi thinks he has to lie. Does he not trust Sasuke? Sasuke had thought that this Itachi would trust him unconditionally. But he is lying now.]
What happened.
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He lowers his head again.]
I'm sorry.
[He pauses again, because he doesn't want to think about the dream. Itachi doesn't want to remember the bodies and the crying and how he kept running and running...
His hand tightens again, fingers digging into his palms before speaking quietly.]
It was just a dream. I shouldn't have gotten so upset about it.
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Yes. Sasuke knows this.
There have always been dark things in the back of Sasuke's mind. When he was younger they would only come out at night, when his confidence and optimism and bright-eyed wonder were tucked away.
Recently, he finds they are always around, and he usually wakes from nightmares with nothing more than a resigned sigh. It's rare that things terrify him anymore.
But he remembers.]
I see.
[Ah, what to say.]
Dreams are just the result of the unconscious mind processing random bits of information.
[That was probably not the best thing to say.]
So.
It's okay. It's not real.
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And just for that, he does.
Itachi knows that his dream was stupid and immature, but Sasuke doesn't seem to care, and he tells him it's okay, and Itachi can believe him so easily.]
I know. I know it wasn't real.
[He smiles up at him.]
Because you're right here.
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[He doesn't finish the sentence. He shouldn't ask about the dream. Itachi probably won't want to talk about it. He should change the subject somehow. Talk about something completely unrelated.]
It's not important.
[Stupid. He shouldn't have brought it up. He doesn't want to upset Itachi. He just isn't used to being able to upset Itachi.]
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But Itachi doesn't want to remember the dream where little Sasuke is gone and Itachi is lost is a world full of dead bodies, never able to find him. So he doesn't, because he knows Sasuke will understand.]
All that's important is that we're here right now.
[He shifts closer again, wanting to be near Sasuke as much as possible. Wanting to feel the heat from his body against his side and hear his breath and his heartbeat as loud as he can. Because Sasuke's presence right now is all that matters.]
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