Dream ЖЖ 006

[seeing_only_red]

{ooc: Dream includes an AMV not made by myself. Should the link ever die, I have the video saved and will reupload it. And skip the opening. Fast forward to 0:25.}

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[seeingeyeshark]

[Kisame feels like such a stranger to Itachi right now. It's disconcerting and unsettling and a little upsetting--even frightening, really. His best friend is a stranger, and he would trust Itachi with his life, would follow him anywhere, would do almost anything he asked.... and yet, he knows nothing about him. Nothing at all. But the problem is that now he knows that he knows nothing about him--before, back when and where they were supposed to be, he had been content with supposing that they were both entitled to their secrets, and that they could be familiar with and close to each other regardless. But now....]

[Now, he can't help but feel somehow lonely, and he's not even sure why--after all, it isn't like anything has changed. Maybe it just feels like some part of their partnership has been a lie, or maybe he's just been blind and foolish the whole time. It must be the latter, he's sure--Itachi wouldn't lie to him. Not after all they've gone through together. ....Right?]

[He can't help but feel disgusted with himself too, though. Why the hell hadn't he been there? To help him, to stop the fight, or at least to just be with him.... Sasuke's allies be damned, his attention should have been on his partner. To die like that.... It's frightening, honestly. To be able to do nothing, to think and remember nothing, to feel nothing.... It's chilling, and he doesn't like it one bit.]

[But even worse, he doesn't remember. At all. And that's barely short of a betrayal, to Itachi and to himself. How sickening is that, to not even be able to remember your partner and best friend's death? He can't even think of anything to say, because he knows there's ostensibly nothing for him to apologize for, even if he wants to.] Is that.... really how it happened?

[seeing_only_red]

[Itachi is staring at Kisame's concerned face on his Hitomi and can't help but feel...relieved to see him. If there has been a constant in his life since that night, it was the partner he had gained once joining Akatsuki--and the irony does not escape him. And the hesitation in his voice, as if he is afraid to tread where he is not wanted...Itachi wonders how he had never noticed his partner's attention to his needs as he does now--after seeing that dream where he realized that Kisame may have seen him in a light Itachi had never considered before.

Itachi isn't sure how to bridge the gap that has been building between them, because he wants it gone. They have not been this careful with their words around each other since the first few months of their partnership. And he doesn't even know who's fault this chasm is, so he can do nothing to lessen it.]

Yes... I believe it may be. [He does sound somewhat confused.] I am unsure how one can be sure of the exact manner of his own death.

[That look on his partner's face is still bothering him. He can't ignore it.]

Kisame. Something is not right. What has occurred?

[seeingeyeshark]

[Kisame's hair is still ruffled (moreso than usual, even) from sleep, and he isn't wearing his headband; the spikes almost make him look like an animal, with ears laid back against the sides of his head, the way an unsettled cat or dog might--like a confused, unhappy puppy left on its own, equally ready to whine or start barking madly. It might not even be too far from the truth; Kisame never has been (allowed to be) fully human.]

[He tilts his head a little, weighing his own thoughts, then just gives up and speaks; he trusts Itachi enough to at least say some of what's on his mind, even if he's not sure of enough of it himself to parse the whole messy slew of emotions the dream dug up.] It's just.... ridiculous. Something like this.... I should know this. I should remember it. It's not like this is some little nothing. It's just not right to have just forgotten something so important like this, you know? I mean, was there, so....

[Maybe a little less conviction on the last part, but it needs to be said, because he needs to have been there. Somewhere there, even if he (traitor) hadn't been (good enough) able to help Itachi in the end. He couldn't have not been there--that's just unthinkable. The whole amnesia thing leaves a sour taste in the back of his mouth even beyond how viciously upsetting it is to be actually presented with the reality of Itachi's death, one that reeks of foul play. He doesn't like this renewed sense of being at fault and unreliable and weak, damaged and defective and broken, vulnerable and exposed and incompetent. He doesn't like this sense of exposure and powerlessness, violation and loss that he's no longer even capable to fully comprehend the magnitude of.]

[It's absolutely maddening; he wants to crack his own head open to reach in and rip out whatever is doing this to him, just like he wants to slowly and brutally kill Sasuke for doing this to Itachi, and give the same treatment for whoever did this to him himself. But he can't do that, so he shakes his head a little, biting back a sigh and turning his mind to other, slightly more comforting topics instead; at heart, he's always been a little superstitious. As an islander, it's kind of to be expected, even if it rarely shows itself.]

Sometimes you can just know things, you know? Maybe the gods gave you the dream, the way they touch prophets and seers. Or you can probably see things like that from stuff like casting bones, or looking into a still pool in the moonlight.... I don't think any of that would apply to you, though.

[seeing_only_red]

[Itachi can see how much this is truly disturbing his partner, how much Kisame is struggling with having his memories taken away. Itachi personally prefers that Kisame not remember his death, or whether or not he had seen Itachi's lifeless body, because really he much prefers Kisame not thinking of him dead--and only now, does he wonder if Kisame even handled his death well at all--although the circumstances of why he does not remember are not ones Itachi is comfortable with.]

It's all right, Kisame. Perhaps you are right. [Although Itachi does not believe in gods and therefore does not believe they would intervene in such a way.]

We will find out how your memories were taken and return them to you. It is best now to not force it, as we do not know what blocks or traps have been put in place should we attempt to undo what has been done prematurely.

[Itachi is trying to be reassuring, but hopes he is not making his partner feel more uneasy.]

And I am not dead now. So perhaps the manner of which I died is not all that relevant to us.

[seeingeyeshark]

[Kisame doesn't often get upset. Or angry. Or.... well, a lot of things. He isn't typically a man of extremes, especially when it comes to his partner. But right now, he just wants to grab Itachi and just shake him until his Sharingan rattles. He wants to demand how the hell Itachi can be so callous, how he can value his own life so little that he can even consider claiming that the manner of his death isn't relevant, to either of them. How the hell can he act like he can just shrug off that kind of loss and just take in stride so many missing pieces in his life, that sort of fading and numbness and apathy?!]

[Kisame may not express himself powerfully, but that doesn't mean his emotions don't run deep; he wonders if the reason he started caring about Itachi as a person and partner over a teammate might not have been simply because Itachi hardly seemed to care about himself at all. Maybe he was just picking up the slack and filling in where Itachi wasn't putting forth the effort. It was unnatural for there to be so little regard invested in someone, even from themselves--and if he hadn't started caring about him, who the hell would have? Itachi would have just been alone and insignificant.]

[But that sort of response isn't even close to being appropriate. So Kisame forcibly unfurrows his brows, and bleeds out the tension in his jaw with a sigh, though he still refuses to even validate the thought of irrelevance with any response at all.]

Maybe. But what the hell kind of gods would do that to you? Or--hell, to us? Urd met Izanagi, so it seems like they're the most likely people responsible for this. [Because, of course, he doesn't know about Madara--he doesn't know of Itachi's suspicions, or his distaste, and so hasn't even considered him involved in this. After all, he is their ally, isn't he?] If they're gods, they might not even need to lay down blocks or traps, anyway.

[They'd probably be pretty hard to convince to restore them, too.... If they hadn't laid blocks or traps far too nasty or powerful to get around. If it were even possible to get the memories back. If they were even who or what had done it. He doesn't really like these thoughts at all. Then again, he doesn't like the thought of Itachi dead at all, either. But either way, ignorance certainly isn't bliss, at least as long as you actually know of your own ignorance.]

[seeing_only_red]

Gods?

[Interesting. Itachi does not believe in the supernatural, so it is a surprising that a person would claim to have met one. But even if there did exist...]

I am not sure this is the work of gods.

[Why does Kisame seem so tense? Once again Itachi worries that something he said made his partner more on guard and ill at ease than he had intended. He truly would rather Kisame not focus on the memories he does not have, as it seems to weigh on him when he thinks of what he is missing... But Kisame is not someone who can so easily let go of such an important disadvantage that could endanger him and his comrades.

It makes him more concerned that he has been near Madara alone, as Kisame will not realize he should be wary of him. Even if as Kisame says, "gods" caused his amnesia, Itachi is not sure Madara would not use it to his advantage.]

Do not trouble yourself about this, Kisame. The seal will provide some measure of protection and until we know the actual manner in which your memories were taken, it is best to focus on our current goals.

[He wants to say: It's okay, I'll protect you, but those words will never leave Itachi's lips. Kisame would most likely not appreciate the sentiment if it implied he was too weak to care for himself, anyway.]

[seeingeyeshark]

Urd met Izanagi, she said, so there's obviously at least one god around here. And I mean, hell--if there's one, why wouldn't there be others? It's something to think about, at least--maybe if there was some way to contact them, we could get some answers.

[Answers about his memories, answers about this place, answers about where they are and why they're here, answers about what the hell happened, answers about why the dead are alive.... Everything. It would be a comfort to know what the hell was going on; Kisame doesn't like being powerless. He doesn't like the thought that he needs to be protected, but considering that it's quite possible he actually might need it after all, he appreciates the effort too--even if the seal feels rather stifling and invasive, in some regards.]

[He'll do his best to put it out of his mind as Itachi asks, but there is, at least, one problem that rather keeps him from being able to move past dwelling on it excessively.] You know.... do we really even have any current goals, beyond this whole war business?

[Namely, the problem of directionlessness, which he's been feeling the entire time they're here. There's nothing to do until they fight, no real way to focus his mind or efforts. He's frozen here like this, getting either too restless or too thoughtful, a too-calm stagnant pool threatened by growing scummy with algae. Before, he'd always been pushed and pulled along by the tides of those around him, flowing with the current directed by Pain and Akatsuki's goals, and Itachi's, since he's almost never really had any of his own....]

[And now, here, it seems he has none at all, other than to rain down vast destruction to retaliate against a petty argument, even if it's backed by a deep and legitimate grudge. ....Not that he's complaining. Doing anything is better than wasting away, and he's not sure if he's one of the sharks that dies if he stops swimming for too long or not. Hopefully not, but either way, he's not a happy fish.]