Thoughts acording to David Sedaris
I had just moved to New York and was wondering if I was going to be alone for the rest of my life. Part of the problem was that, according to several reliable sources, I tend to exhaust people. Another part of the problem had to do with my long list of standards. Potential boyfriends could not smoke Merit cigarettes, own or wear a pair of cowboy boots, or eat anything labled 'lite' or 'heart smart'. Speech was important, and disqualifying phrases include "I cant fins my nipple ring" and "This one here was my first tatoo." All street names had to be said in full, meaning no "Fifty-Ninth and Lex Ave." or "Mad Ave". They couldnt drink more that I, couldnt write poetry in notebooks and and read it aloud to an audience of strangers, and couldnt use the words flick, freebie, cyberspace, zeitgeist. They could not consider the human scalp an appropriate palatte for self-expression, could not own a rainbow striped flag, could not say they had discovered any shop or restaurant currently listed in the phonebook. Age, race and weight were unimportant. In terms of mutual interest, I figured we could spend the rest of our lives discussing how much we hated the aforementioned characteristics.