"You never dreamed you'd have to live your life so guarded"
Finally...I never thought I'd be able to say I'm relaxed lol. Finished my research paper, solved MANY of my other problems (I still have a few to deal with...but they're pretty simple lol...if you're wondering what they are, depending on who you are, I'll tell you. Just ask) and I've pretty much been living life for the past few days. Thanx to few good friends of mine...with some words of wisdom...I actually understand I'm gonna be alright. One of them pointed out the fact that I never face the truth...which is true, and I still have trouble with it, but I'm working on it. To tell the truth...the past couple of entries have all been excuses avoiding the truth...I never wanted to really find out what was bothering me, I was almost afraid to, so I just use those dumbass excuses. Really...I shut down basically...and it was to do a TON of thinking and writing...but I came to the conclusion that I wasn't avoiding the truth...I was afraid to tell anyone anything. I don't know why...and I'm EXTREMELY SORRY to those closest to me, but I think you will all understand...most of you I didn't say anything to, mainly because the last thing I wanna do is break down in front of my friends. It's been so long since I cried...the next time I do, it won't be infront of anyone lol. ok...so anyways...now that that intro is done, this is what's been going on. Many of you might know where I'm coming from, but iunno...have you ever felt like you're alone...even when you're with, or even holding, the ones you love? Like...the only reason you're around is to be everyone elses puppet...to be the person that everyone can blow up on and not worry about you saying anything back. Do you know how much it sux to have to listen to everyone's problems, and be too nice to tell them no, then when you have a problem, they just push you away like everyone else? It fuckin sux to say the least...and that's just the tip of the iceberg. I've also been backstabbed so many times this year...even by people I thought I trusted my life with...that I have such a hard time telling anyone anything now...I'm stuck holding in everything that's bothering me, cause even if I try to tell someone, it comes out as an excuse to avoid the truth. Then I try to fix it by saying that's not right...and I plan the whole thing in my head...then I try and say it, and can't...it just comes out as another excuse. Once again...that's just a VERY small portion of what's been bothering me. Another thing is that I feel like I poor my heart out for my friends...and get shit in return. (This one doesn't go to everyone...but you guys know if it doesn't apply to you) The last time I got recognition for something I did was so long ago I can't even remember...hell, normally I do something I think I'm good at, and get bitched at for it. "Why are you so obsessed with music and drumming? Why do you write so much? What are all these drawings for? Do you really think these will get you anywhere?"...great way to boost my self esteem isn't it? Seriously...what the fuck is wrong with showing off talent? All I ever hear lately are things I do wrong...I do EVERYTHING wrong apparently. I've actually started to believe I'm a worthless bastard that will never amount to anything. That's why I'll do anything...I don't care about the consequences anymore. I used to always think before I did something...now I could fuckin care less. Someone gets hurt, too bad...I get hurt, oh well...I play alot of sports, I get hurt all the time. Whatever...I think you all get the idea...Leave comments if you really care...if not then whatever