Stop Loss, Chapter 22
Can we do it all in one cut? I think we can I think we can I think...
.
You're here! So remember that time when 'Theatricality' and 'Funk' were aired out of order, and things occasionally contradicted themselves from one episode to the next? That's made consistency a whole lot of fun on this end ;) For Reasons, I'm going to be working from the official air dates and doing my best to make things flow-so if I suddenly start ignoring the Glee calendar as stated on the show, it's because I don't have a Timeturner.
Onward and upward, friends!:
It had been nearly a week since The Day That Kurt Had Hated Everyone, and the majority of the world was back in Kurt's kindly ambivalent graces. Once he and Blaine had talked, and he had gotten some much-needed sleep, it had been easier for Kurt to objectively recognize that perhaps his bad mood had contributed to his perception of certain events, and that, while a number of things had gone wrong on that particular Monday, it didn't mean that everyone he knew had joined forces to drive him completely insane.
Most of the people he knew weren't nearly well-organized enough to pull that off, after all.
After thinking about Blaine and Giselle carefully, Kurt had decided to ignore Blaine's less-than-earnest reaction to his revelation about Giselle. While he was still convinced that Blaine probably didn't believe him (and really, Kurt couldn't completely blame him for that-even without the salient details that Kurt had purposely omitted, the story sounded vaguely ridiculous), there was always the possibility that he had misinterpreted Blaine's expression, and that Blaine had been telling the truth when he said that he trusted Kurt's version of events. And even if he was right, and Blaine thought he was overreacting, harping on the issue definitely wasn't going to change things. At least Blaine had had the decency to pretend, in order to spare Kurt's feelings.
It was that thought that Kurt often returned to, every time he began to worry or doubts began to creep in.
Of course, it probably helped that Giselle's Dental Whatever had commenced as scheduled, freeing up more of Blaine's time that he then spent with Kurt. They'd gone out to dinner on Tuesday as planned, and were both willing to admit that neither one of them had handled the situation the day before especially well, and that they were sorry for letting it escalate. The post-it notes in History made a brief, clandestine return, and, while their day off from VA rehearsals on Thursday was cut short by Blaine's therapy, they still had a fun afternoon at the community center (Kurt had only lasted about a mile on the indoor track before he was completely bored out of his mind, but was perfectly content to show off on one of the mats nearby, practicing his yoga positions while ogling an increasingly sweaty and disheveled Blaine).
On Saturday, Kurt had had a shift at the garage, and had encouraged Blaine to go observe a fencing class at Dalton Academy (he was being extra vigilant about not referring to it as 'Douchebag Academy', even in his own head) and see some of his friends in Westerville. Sunday, though, he only had to spend a few hours on a couple of undercarriage jobs before showering and heading to Blaine's house, which was parent-free for at least a few hours (Blaine's Grandma had gotten them gift certificates for a local vineyard's monthly wine tasting event, to which Blaine was obviously not invited). Blaine was refreshed and happy to see him after their day apart-talking on the phone didn't count-and Kurt was happy to see Blaine happy, and their reasonably pure intentions of finishing Blaine's math homework and practicing for Kurt's audition had predictably been abandoned in favor of making out on Blaine's bed, clothes on but hands deliciously roaming.
"You're never allowed to stretch like that in public again," Blaine had warned with a moan, when Kurt had mentioned between kisses that maybe running could be his 'outlet', and Kurt's outlet could be watching Blaine run. "I spent so much time looking at you that I nearly crashed into the wall."
At some point, Kurt ended up on his back, sprawled bonelessly across Blaine's bed with Blaine's hand and head resting on his stomach. His beautiful eyes were trained on Kurt's face, a glittering softness to them that made Kurt's heart melt a little.
"Sometimes I can't believe you're even real," Blaine confessed, looking down briefly before peeking back up at Kurt through his long eyelashes. "I have to look at your picture on my phone or hear your voice to make sure that you actually exist, that my brain didn't just make you up."
Kurt smiled sleepily, preening under the compliment. "Well. If you ever find out that your brain is responsible for my creation," he replied lazily, stretching a bit, "will you remind it that I'm just about due for a growth spurt? Nothing ridiculous, but I'd love it if I were a few inches taller, and could get rid of the rest of my baby fat for good."
"You have no baby fat," Blaine retorted, his breath warm and light on Kurt's abs, "and the rest of us already feel inadequate around you. Get any better looking, and I'll start crying myself to sleep out of jealousy and shame."
Kurt shoved Blaine's shoulder gently, closing his eyes. "Oh, stop it; you're gorgeous," he promised with a sigh.
When Blaine didn't answer, Kurt opened his eyes, frowning slightly. "Blaine?" he asked, a little worried-Blaine was watching him sadly, and his hand had gone unnaturally still on Kurt's stomach. "What is it?"
Blaine let out a shuddering breath, and Kurt wasn't sure at first if he was going to answer or not. After a minute, however, Blaine reached up with his free hand, running his thumb gently over Kurt's collarbone. "I wasn't really kidding," he admitted with a small, self-deprecating smile. "I know we fight and have misunderstandings sometimes, and that neither one of us is perfect. But-who you are, your looks and talents and mind and heart and everything. I was such a mess when I left Aquinas, and then you came into my life, and you were everything I needed, even the things I didn't know I needed yet. I keep telling Dr. Ramirez that even though I know I have good qualities and I try to be a good boyfriend, and I really am trying, Kurt, I think I'm always going to feel like I'm coming up short, next to you."
That was a ridiculous thought, and Kurt resisted the temptation to make a height joke in order to tell him so. "And Dr. Ramirez must have told you that you were wrong, right?" he added, running his fingernails down Blaine's arm the way he knew Blaine liked.
Blaine's body relaxed under the ministrations. "She never really says that I'm 'wrong' about things," he clarified, closing his eyes as Kurt's fingers reached his shoulder. "We just have to 'look at the statement objectively'. Sometimes it works; this time it didn't, really."
Kurt nodded, even though Blaine couldn't see him. "Did she tell you to talk to me about it?" he guessed, secretly wishing-not for the first time-that there was some way for him to meet Blaine's therapist, whose opinions obviously held a lot of sway with Blaine.
Blaine, who was frowning slightly. "She didn't, actually," he answered, his eyes blinking back open. "I don't always know what I'm supposed to be doing; therapy can be really confusing."
He sighed, his breath rippling Kurt's shirt. "Like, I've been practicing asking for the things that I want or need," he continued. "But at the same time, she said on Thursday that she's worried that I'm 'relying too much on extrinsic sources of self-esteem'."
Kurt didn't snort, because please, but it was a close thing. "What does that even mean?" he scoffed, and was rewarded with Blaine's rich laugh.
"I don't know!" Blaine cried dramatically. "I guess she's saying that I care too much about what other people think about me, instead of caring what I think about me."
Kurt frowned, puzzled. "Doesn't everyone?" he pointed out.
Blaine shrugged. "Probably," he agreed, "but I think we're not supposed to."
Kurt's hand had reached Blaine's back, and he scratched light, soothing circles into the skin between his shoulderblades. "Maybe not," he allowed, "but I don't really think that there's any other way. I mean, a big part of my self-esteem is that I'm a great singer and dancer-it's something that I value and like about myself, right? But how would I even know I was any good if other people didn't tell me that I was? If other people didn't validate me and I still thought I was good, it wouldn't make me self-reliant; it would make me delusional."
Blaine hummed, nodding seriously. "I totally see your point," he agreed solemnly. "Remind me, where did you get your PhD? I'd love to know where to credit your fascinating insights."
Kurt cried out indignantly, but before he could retaliate, Blaine had climbed up his body and his teeth were scraping lightly down his throat, and all other thoughts were soon forgotten.
Despite his misgivings, life was easier with Blaine. Or at least, Kurt found, life was easier in general when he wasn't fighting with Blaine:
Costume rehearsals continued for Vocal Adrenaline, with various degrees of success-two costumes were scrapped within a single rehearsal, deemed too unattractive or attention-pulling by Shelby, but Kurt was pleased to discover that the blue shirts she had chosen for his number had a wonderful shimmery quality to them that beautifully flattered his skin tone. Weirdly, rehearsals were more fun for Kurt now that he knew he wouldn't be featured at Regionals-rather than being disheartening, like he initially feared it would, the news had served to lessen the personal pressure on him, and he was able to follow Blaine's lead a little more and relax in between numbers, while still working hard onstage.
Both at regular rehearsals and at practices for Evaluations and his audition, the reduction in stress was having a positive effect on his voice. It was as if an invisible weight had been lifted off of his vocal chords, and his singing was light and unfettered in a way that he hadn't known he was capable of anymore. It was perfect timing on his body's part, and he knew that he wasn't the only one who was noticing-more than once, he caught Shelby or Blaine or Jesse staring at him as he sang, with varying degrees of pride or approval.
Things were better with Jesse as well, though they predictably hadn't talked through their fight the way that he and Blaine had done. Jesse had simply shown up at Kurt's house for their scheduled practice with vegan brownies in tow, smugly declaring that he and Rachel were stronger and more musically compatible than ever. Kurt, fresh off of his dinner with Blaine, had taken the gesture for what it was-Jesse voluntarily giving away baked goods that hadn't been poisoned, even weird-tasting vegan ones, was tantamount to a sincere apology in his world-and had let it go.
Even forces outside of his realm were working out in his favor: the weather was slowly warming up ahead of schedule, a computer glitch on someone's server somewhere resulted in him unexpectedly receiving Free Shipping! coupons for Amazon, which meant bulk groceries he actually wanted for him and his dad, and the Postal Service website promised that his application had indeed reached the Academy, meaning that all he had to do was keep practicing and wait for his confirmation email, notifying him of his time slot during the Midwestern audition dates, which fell the weekend before Regionals this year.
Life was good.
And then, very suddenly, life was confusing and complicated.
It was the last Tuesday of the month, barely a week before Evaluations were set to begin, and Vocal Adrenaline was testing out their last batch of costumes-restricting, outlandish, retina-burning imitations of Lady Gaga-wear made of Chantilly lace and scratchy blonde wigs. The outfits were so ridiculously ill-suited for their purpose, with the face drapes covering both the mouth and nose (and the rather unfortunate addition for the girls that was, according to Ryleigh's heated whisper, "chafing like a motherfucker"), that Kurt couldn't imagine what Shelby had been thinking when she ordered them. They were by far the most impractical of the lot, would be impossible to get in and out of between numbers (even utilizing VA's famous 'staggered entrance' trick), and Kurt knew that unless Shelby had time to get a new costume set delivered and vetted, or planned on actually using the gross orders of fabric she'd bought at all the local craft stores to discourage copycats, it would be the kiss of death for Bad Romance as a contender at Regionals.
Which went a long way toward explaining why Shelby had been unusually on edge all day. Kurt had initially been disappointed when, after narrowing down his potential song choices for the Academy audition, Shelby had secured him three lunchtime appointments with Zach, promising to sit in on the last session and make any necessary corrections. Five minutes of inside intel from the music department groupies while he waited for Zach to arrive for lesson number one, however, was enough to change his attitude-reports of Shelby's weirdly erratic temper and uncharacteristic fits of moodiness were flying around, and everyone with a brain was staying out of her way for the time being.
He didn't have a choice at rehearsal, however: whatever was driving Shelby to act so weirdly hadn't been resolved by the time classes were over, and Kurt wasn't the only one to raise an eyebrow when she sent half of the team to the school gym, ordering them to work on their flexibility and coordination, if all they were good for in the auditorium was crashing into each other.
Or at least, he assumed he wasn't-he couldn't really see anyone else's eyes through his costume, let alone their eyebrows.
Shelby had temporarily scrapped their vocals, concentrating instead on perfecting their dancing now that everyone's visibility had been compromised. Kurt did his best to hit each movement with precision, trying not to wonder why Shelby hadn't just tossed the number or the costumes already, the way she normally would have done, or if whatever had her so distracted had anything to do with Jesse.
Or if Jesse would have told him, if it had.
Apparently though, he hadn't done a stellar job of paying attention, because out of nowhere, Shelby had stopped them and was giving them a heated lecture about theatricality, and Kurt knew he must have missed the sentence or two that explained what on earth she was talking about.
He was suddenly very grateful for the ridiculous red face drape that was hiding his bemused expression.
"Do I have to give a demonstration?" Shelby asked them, unimpressed. Kurt glanced around. If body language was anything to go on, he certainly wasn't the only one who didn't understand what Shelby was trying to say-or why she was saying it now-and after a few seconds of silence, they were peeling back their headpieces and filing down the stairs.
Sasha brushed past him and Blaine as they headed for their seats. "Spies in the back, of course," she muttered darkly, removing her wig entirely. "Why is it always my turn when we're wearing the stupid costumes? Security always makes fun of me."
Kurt gave her shoulder a sympathetic squeeze before she stalked out of the auditorium. At least, he thought, peeking back at the three distant figures as he sat down next to Blaine, the spies were dumb enough to actually sit in the seats. She'll be back before Shelby hits the chorus.
Sasha wasn't back, which was a shame-Kurt needed someone to exchange worried looks with.
Shelby's voice was as beautiful as it always was, but both her song choice and her movement style, or 'theatricality' or whatever, were wildly different than her usual stage presence. And it didn't seem like too many other people were noticing-Blaine and the freshmen couldn't be expected to know any better, but the majority of the older students were smiling along, either enjoying the show or simply relieved not to be onstage themselves anymore, blithely ignoring the fact that something was clearly bothering Shelby enough to radically alter her performance.
As the song was winding down, Kurt desperately began trying to think of some larger meaning behind the piece besides the sudden onset of Shelby's midlife crisis, just in case Shelby began calling on random people, as she occasionally did, to make sure everyone understood her point.
And then it happened:
Rachel Berry was walking down the aisle of the auditorium, staring at Shelby with a trancelike look of longing.
Shit.
Before Kurt could figure out what he should be doing, or if he should be doing anything at all, Blaine turned to him, eyes curious. "Isn't that Jesse's girlfriend?" he asked in a whisper, before turning back toward Rachel without waiting for an answer.
Kurt's instincts kicked in before his brain could catch up with them, and his hand was covering Blaine's mouth before Blaine had finished inhaling deeply enough to call out to Rachel. Blaine looked at him, startled-an expression Kurt was certain was mirrored on his own face. He dropped his hand immediately, stroking Blaine's arm apologetically, and shook off the shock as best he could.
"Don't get her attention or tell anyone who she is, okay?" he breathed gently into Blaine's ear, pulling back so that Blaine could see how seriously he meant it. "I'll explain everything later, I promise."
Blaine looked at him searchingly for a moment. Kurt wasn't sure what it was that he was looking for, but he must have found it, because slowly, carefully, Blaine nodded at him.
The music was still playing as Rachel reached the front of the stage and said something to Shelby that nobody else could hear.
Unexpectedly to everyone but Kurt, Shelby ended rehearsal shortly after Rachel's appearance, a stricken look on her face. While everyone around them gossiped in hushed tones about who the mystery girl could be-or buzzed with excitement over their suddenly-free afternoon-Kurt and Blaine were quiet as they peeled off their itchy red lace piece by piece and changed back into street clothes. Blaine, Kurt figured, was likely caught between curiosity over the situation and frustration with Kurt for not telling him what he obviously knew about it already.
And he'd be well within his right to feel that way, Kurt figured. He knew how much Blaine hated secrets-or, more specifically, Kurt keeping secrets from him-and he'd gone months without telling Blaine the truth about Jesse's transfer or the secret identity of his girlfriend, even after Blaine had met Rachel. He hadn't actively kept it a secret from Blaine, since he'd never had any intention of breaking his promise to Jesse (and, by extension, to Shelby) and telling anyone, but he wasn't sure if that was going to make things better or worse when he told Blaine everything, the way he said he would in order to keep Blaine quiet.
And Blaine was keeping what little information he had to himself, in spite of the conversations going on around them, all on Kurt's word that it was important.
Either way, he thought as they walked to Blaine's Honda, grey clouds threatening rain overhead, he'd be lucky if his confession didn't end in another battle like the week before.
Blaine continued to keep quiet until they were both in the car. The second that Kurt closed his door, however, Blaine turned in his seat and looked warily at him.
"Okay, which one is it: something I don't know, or something everyone doesn't know?" he wondered out loud, sighing in a tired way that went straight to Kurt's gut.
Kurt closed his eyes in order to avoid Blaine's gaze. "Everyone," he admitted, his voice bleaker than he had intended. Which is probably appropriate, he mused. "But this is absolutely top secret," he added, forging on, "so even if you're mad at me by the end of this conversation, I need you to promise that you won't tell anyone, either."
When he chanced a glance at Blaine, his expression had shifted into something more curious than annoyed. "I won't," he promised, still watching Kurt with steady eyes.
Kurt nodded, swallowing. "Okay," he murmured to himself.
Breathing deeply one last time, he turned back to face Blaine.
"A while ago, I figured something out about Rachel. Before I could tell you, I was sworn to secrecy," he began again, stretching the truth a little. "And then I-well, I wasn't sure if it was my business to say anything to anybody, after that."
"About what?" Blaine pressed, tilting his head slightly in a gesture that was vaguely familiar to Kurt.
There was no other way to say it. "Rachel is Shelby's biological daughter," he blurted out quickly, all in one breath.
Blaine's eyebrows shot up. "Wait, what?" he gasped, looking at Kurt disbelievingly. "Seriously?"
When Kurt merely nodded, Blaine shook his head, stunned. "Wow," he muttered, "oh my God. That…I was not expecting you to say that."
Kurt nodded again. "I was shocked, too," he agreed, hoping that how he figured it out wasn't going to be Blaine's next question.
Fortunately for him, it wasn't. "Does Jesse know?" Blaine demanded, looking back over at Kurt.
Who swallowed again, nervously. "He does," he confirmed, "but Rachel doesn't. Didn't. I guess she must know now, since she's in our auditorium with Shelby as we speak."
Blaine's eyes narrowed disapprovingly. "Hold on," he said, ignoring Kurt's verbal meandering. "Are you telling me that Jesse knew who his motherless girlfriend's mother was, and he didn't say anything?" he wanted to know. "That is-I can't believe how wrong that is."
Kurt blinked rapidly. "I guess it's more complicated than that," he explained slowly, looking down at his hands in his lap. "I wasn't told all of the details-and I didn't ask-but there's some sort of legal situation involved, since Rachel has her Two Gay Dads. I think they were the only ones allowed to tell her about Shelby."
Blaine's expression softened a little at that, but he still shook his head. "He must have said something, though," he reasoned. "It would be too much of a coincidence if Rachel's dads suddenly decided to tell her, once she started dating her mother's favorite student."
He paused, frowning. "And even if they did, Rachel knows that Jesse went to school here, and I'm sure she's figured out by now that he already knew."
Blaine shook his head again. "I feel so bad for her," he admitted. "That has to feel like such a betrayal."
Kurt flinched slightly at the word. Betrayal.
"I didn't tell her either, though, even though I knew," he reminded Blaine quietly.
Blaine's dark eyes widened, and he reached out to grasp Kurt's hand. "Of course you didn't," he said soothingly, seeming to think that it was his deceiving of Rachel that was troubling Kurt, rather than the potential loss of Blaine's good opinion. "It wasn't your place to, and it wouldn't have been fair to her to find out that way. Really, her dads should have said something. But to date her for months without telling her… If Jesse really loved her, he should have-"
Blaine stopped abruptly, and Kurt could practically see the painful realization on his face as he figured it out. "He doesn't love her, does he?" he asked Kurt, his voice clipped. "This is all just some plot of his."
Kurt wanted to defend Jesse, but really, there wasn't much he could say. Blaine was making the same argument he himself had made since the beginning, to no avail. "I don't know anymore," he confessed, closing his eyes and pressing them lightly with his free hand. "I think he does have feelings for her, but it's hard for me to know when he's such an idiot about talking about them. I've been telling him the whole time that he needs to be honest with her, but I don't know how he really feels and I can't control what he does, and…"
He trailed off, not knowing how to explain the enigma that was Jesse's relationship with the world any better than that. He looked up at Blaine shyly, almost afraid to see what his reaction was going to be.
Blaine was looking out the windshield in front of them, watching the last of the stragglers from Vocal Adrenaline (mostly girls who were limping slightly) make their way to their cars. When he spoke, it was in a quiet, bitter tone that Kurt couldn't remember ever hearing from Blaine, except for maybe when he first told Kurt about his old friends from Aquinas.
"I know he's your friend," he said quietly, still staring straight ahead. "But I don't think he's a very good person, Kurt."
If Kurt was being honest with himself, it did hurt to hear that, a little. But there was still the potential for worse, even though Blaine was still clutching his hand, and if Blaine was going to say it, Kurt wanted to get it over with quickly. "Do you think that about me, too?" he asked in a small voice.
Blaine started at the question, turning rapidly to look at Kurt. "Of course not," he promised quickly, vehemently. "Why would I? I don't have to like all of your friends to love you, and I don't think you did anything wrong, okay? I'm not-"
He paused. "I wish you had told me about Rachel," he continued, more slowly, "but I understand why you didn't. Shelby asked you to keep her private family stuff private, and you were just honoring her wishes. And you never actually lied to me and said that they weren't related. Which, for the record, I would have had a problem with."
Kurt had been feeling comforted by Blaine's assurances until Blaine mentioned Shelby. Because, thinking back on it, Kurt hadn't specifically said that Jesse was the one that had confirmed Rachel's parentage. And Blaine was all right with Kurt's actions (or lack thereof) because he assumed that Shelby was involved, but he probably wouldn't be as forgiving if Kurt told him the truth, not after what he had just said about Jesse. He didn't have to correct Blaine's assumption-Blaine had just implied that lying would have involved Kurt specifically saying something that wasn't true-but if he didn't, and Blaine found out, he'd probably be even angrier than if Kurt told him right away.
But Shelby would have asked the same thing of Kurt, had she known that Kurt knew about her and Rachel. So it wasn't as if the outcomes were really any different, and…
Kurt's head hurt.
Probably sensing that he still wasn't completely soothed, Blaine slid closer to his side of the car, pulling Kurt into a warm hug and rubbing his back gently.
"You're a good person," he promised quietly, kissing the side of Kurt's head softly. "I'll always think that."
Kurt felt a single tear slide down his cheek, dripping onto the sleeve of Blaine's shirt and leaving a tiny mark.
He didn't deserve his boyfriend's words. Maybe he didn't even deserve his boyfriend, who was good and sweet and thought the best of him, even when he hadn't earned it.
But he'd hold onto him anyway, as long as he could.
Shelby had them in their Bad Romance costumes again the next day, but sent them home early when Rachel showed up during a break, and half of her voice lessons and meetings were canceled on Thursday and Friday so that she could leave the school for important, undisclosed business. Rumors were flying around, each one crazier than the last, about what might be going on.
Kurt was one of the only ones who knew anything that came close to resembling the truth. For the first time in his life, however, he wished that he didn't.
.
You're here! So remember that time when 'Theatricality' and 'Funk' were aired out of order, and things occasionally contradicted themselves from one episode to the next? That's made consistency a whole lot of fun on this end ;) For Reasons, I'm going to be working from the official air dates and doing my best to make things flow-so if I suddenly start ignoring the Glee calendar as stated on the show, it's because I don't have a Timeturner.
Onward and upward, friends!:
It had been nearly a week since The Day That Kurt Had Hated Everyone, and the majority of the world was back in Kurt's kindly ambivalent graces. Once he and Blaine had talked, and he had gotten some much-needed sleep, it had been easier for Kurt to objectively recognize that perhaps his bad mood had contributed to his perception of certain events, and that, while a number of things had gone wrong on that particular Monday, it didn't mean that everyone he knew had joined forces to drive him completely insane.
Most of the people he knew weren't nearly well-organized enough to pull that off, after all.
After thinking about Blaine and Giselle carefully, Kurt had decided to ignore Blaine's less-than-earnest reaction to his revelation about Giselle. While he was still convinced that Blaine probably didn't believe him (and really, Kurt couldn't completely blame him for that-even without the salient details that Kurt had purposely omitted, the story sounded vaguely ridiculous), there was always the possibility that he had misinterpreted Blaine's expression, and that Blaine had been telling the truth when he said that he trusted Kurt's version of events. And even if he was right, and Blaine thought he was overreacting, harping on the issue definitely wasn't going to change things. At least Blaine had had the decency to pretend, in order to spare Kurt's feelings.
It was that thought that Kurt often returned to, every time he began to worry or doubts began to creep in.
Of course, it probably helped that Giselle's Dental Whatever had commenced as scheduled, freeing up more of Blaine's time that he then spent with Kurt. They'd gone out to dinner on Tuesday as planned, and were both willing to admit that neither one of them had handled the situation the day before especially well, and that they were sorry for letting it escalate. The post-it notes in History made a brief, clandestine return, and, while their day off from VA rehearsals on Thursday was cut short by Blaine's therapy, they still had a fun afternoon at the community center (Kurt had only lasted about a mile on the indoor track before he was completely bored out of his mind, but was perfectly content to show off on one of the mats nearby, practicing his yoga positions while ogling an increasingly sweaty and disheveled Blaine).
On Saturday, Kurt had had a shift at the garage, and had encouraged Blaine to go observe a fencing class at Dalton Academy (he was being extra vigilant about not referring to it as 'Douchebag Academy', even in his own head) and see some of his friends in Westerville. Sunday, though, he only had to spend a few hours on a couple of undercarriage jobs before showering and heading to Blaine's house, which was parent-free for at least a few hours (Blaine's Grandma had gotten them gift certificates for a local vineyard's monthly wine tasting event, to which Blaine was obviously not invited). Blaine was refreshed and happy to see him after their day apart-talking on the phone didn't count-and Kurt was happy to see Blaine happy, and their reasonably pure intentions of finishing Blaine's math homework and practicing for Kurt's audition had predictably been abandoned in favor of making out on Blaine's bed, clothes on but hands deliciously roaming.
"You're never allowed to stretch like that in public again," Blaine had warned with a moan, when Kurt had mentioned between kisses that maybe running could be his 'outlet', and Kurt's outlet could be watching Blaine run. "I spent so much time looking at you that I nearly crashed into the wall."
At some point, Kurt ended up on his back, sprawled bonelessly across Blaine's bed with Blaine's hand and head resting on his stomach. His beautiful eyes were trained on Kurt's face, a glittering softness to them that made Kurt's heart melt a little.
"Sometimes I can't believe you're even real," Blaine confessed, looking down briefly before peeking back up at Kurt through his long eyelashes. "I have to look at your picture on my phone or hear your voice to make sure that you actually exist, that my brain didn't just make you up."
Kurt smiled sleepily, preening under the compliment. "Well. If you ever find out that your brain is responsible for my creation," he replied lazily, stretching a bit, "will you remind it that I'm just about due for a growth spurt? Nothing ridiculous, but I'd love it if I were a few inches taller, and could get rid of the rest of my baby fat for good."
"You have no baby fat," Blaine retorted, his breath warm and light on Kurt's abs, "and the rest of us already feel inadequate around you. Get any better looking, and I'll start crying myself to sleep out of jealousy and shame."
Kurt shoved Blaine's shoulder gently, closing his eyes. "Oh, stop it; you're gorgeous," he promised with a sigh.
When Blaine didn't answer, Kurt opened his eyes, frowning slightly. "Blaine?" he asked, a little worried-Blaine was watching him sadly, and his hand had gone unnaturally still on Kurt's stomach. "What is it?"
Blaine let out a shuddering breath, and Kurt wasn't sure at first if he was going to answer or not. After a minute, however, Blaine reached up with his free hand, running his thumb gently over Kurt's collarbone. "I wasn't really kidding," he admitted with a small, self-deprecating smile. "I know we fight and have misunderstandings sometimes, and that neither one of us is perfect. But-who you are, your looks and talents and mind and heart and everything. I was such a mess when I left Aquinas, and then you came into my life, and you were everything I needed, even the things I didn't know I needed yet. I keep telling Dr. Ramirez that even though I know I have good qualities and I try to be a good boyfriend, and I really am trying, Kurt, I think I'm always going to feel like I'm coming up short, next to you."
That was a ridiculous thought, and Kurt resisted the temptation to make a height joke in order to tell him so. "And Dr. Ramirez must have told you that you were wrong, right?" he added, running his fingernails down Blaine's arm the way he knew Blaine liked.
Blaine's body relaxed under the ministrations. "She never really says that I'm 'wrong' about things," he clarified, closing his eyes as Kurt's fingers reached his shoulder. "We just have to 'look at the statement objectively'. Sometimes it works; this time it didn't, really."
Kurt nodded, even though Blaine couldn't see him. "Did she tell you to talk to me about it?" he guessed, secretly wishing-not for the first time-that there was some way for him to meet Blaine's therapist, whose opinions obviously held a lot of sway with Blaine.
Blaine, who was frowning slightly. "She didn't, actually," he answered, his eyes blinking back open. "I don't always know what I'm supposed to be doing; therapy can be really confusing."
He sighed, his breath rippling Kurt's shirt. "Like, I've been practicing asking for the things that I want or need," he continued. "But at the same time, she said on Thursday that she's worried that I'm 'relying too much on extrinsic sources of self-esteem'."
Kurt didn't snort, because please, but it was a close thing. "What does that even mean?" he scoffed, and was rewarded with Blaine's rich laugh.
"I don't know!" Blaine cried dramatically. "I guess she's saying that I care too much about what other people think about me, instead of caring what I think about me."
Kurt frowned, puzzled. "Doesn't everyone?" he pointed out.
Blaine shrugged. "Probably," he agreed, "but I think we're not supposed to."
Kurt's hand had reached Blaine's back, and he scratched light, soothing circles into the skin between his shoulderblades. "Maybe not," he allowed, "but I don't really think that there's any other way. I mean, a big part of my self-esteem is that I'm a great singer and dancer-it's something that I value and like about myself, right? But how would I even know I was any good if other people didn't tell me that I was? If other people didn't validate me and I still thought I was good, it wouldn't make me self-reliant; it would make me delusional."
Blaine hummed, nodding seriously. "I totally see your point," he agreed solemnly. "Remind me, where did you get your PhD? I'd love to know where to credit your fascinating insights."
Kurt cried out indignantly, but before he could retaliate, Blaine had climbed up his body and his teeth were scraping lightly down his throat, and all other thoughts were soon forgotten.
Despite his misgivings, life was easier with Blaine. Or at least, Kurt found, life was easier in general when he wasn't fighting with Blaine:
Costume rehearsals continued for Vocal Adrenaline, with various degrees of success-two costumes were scrapped within a single rehearsal, deemed too unattractive or attention-pulling by Shelby, but Kurt was pleased to discover that the blue shirts she had chosen for his number had a wonderful shimmery quality to them that beautifully flattered his skin tone. Weirdly, rehearsals were more fun for Kurt now that he knew he wouldn't be featured at Regionals-rather than being disheartening, like he initially feared it would, the news had served to lessen the personal pressure on him, and he was able to follow Blaine's lead a little more and relax in between numbers, while still working hard onstage.
Both at regular rehearsals and at practices for Evaluations and his audition, the reduction in stress was having a positive effect on his voice. It was as if an invisible weight had been lifted off of his vocal chords, and his singing was light and unfettered in a way that he hadn't known he was capable of anymore. It was perfect timing on his body's part, and he knew that he wasn't the only one who was noticing-more than once, he caught Shelby or Blaine or Jesse staring at him as he sang, with varying degrees of pride or approval.
Things were better with Jesse as well, though they predictably hadn't talked through their fight the way that he and Blaine had done. Jesse had simply shown up at Kurt's house for their scheduled practice with vegan brownies in tow, smugly declaring that he and Rachel were stronger and more musically compatible than ever. Kurt, fresh off of his dinner with Blaine, had taken the gesture for what it was-Jesse voluntarily giving away baked goods that hadn't been poisoned, even weird-tasting vegan ones, was tantamount to a sincere apology in his world-and had let it go.
Even forces outside of his realm were working out in his favor: the weather was slowly warming up ahead of schedule, a computer glitch on someone's server somewhere resulted in him unexpectedly receiving Free Shipping! coupons for Amazon, which meant bulk groceries he actually wanted for him and his dad, and the Postal Service website promised that his application had indeed reached the Academy, meaning that all he had to do was keep practicing and wait for his confirmation email, notifying him of his time slot during the Midwestern audition dates, which fell the weekend before Regionals this year.
Life was good.
And then, very suddenly, life was confusing and complicated.
It was the last Tuesday of the month, barely a week before Evaluations were set to begin, and Vocal Adrenaline was testing out their last batch of costumes-restricting, outlandish, retina-burning imitations of Lady Gaga-wear made of Chantilly lace and scratchy blonde wigs. The outfits were so ridiculously ill-suited for their purpose, with the face drapes covering both the mouth and nose (and the rather unfortunate addition for the girls that was, according to Ryleigh's heated whisper, "chafing like a motherfucker"), that Kurt couldn't imagine what Shelby had been thinking when she ordered them. They were by far the most impractical of the lot, would be impossible to get in and out of between numbers (even utilizing VA's famous 'staggered entrance' trick), and Kurt knew that unless Shelby had time to get a new costume set delivered and vetted, or planned on actually using the gross orders of fabric she'd bought at all the local craft stores to discourage copycats, it would be the kiss of death for Bad Romance as a contender at Regionals.
Which went a long way toward explaining why Shelby had been unusually on edge all day. Kurt had initially been disappointed when, after narrowing down his potential song choices for the Academy audition, Shelby had secured him three lunchtime appointments with Zach, promising to sit in on the last session and make any necessary corrections. Five minutes of inside intel from the music department groupies while he waited for Zach to arrive for lesson number one, however, was enough to change his attitude-reports of Shelby's weirdly erratic temper and uncharacteristic fits of moodiness were flying around, and everyone with a brain was staying out of her way for the time being.
He didn't have a choice at rehearsal, however: whatever was driving Shelby to act so weirdly hadn't been resolved by the time classes were over, and Kurt wasn't the only one to raise an eyebrow when she sent half of the team to the school gym, ordering them to work on their flexibility and coordination, if all they were good for in the auditorium was crashing into each other.
Or at least, he assumed he wasn't-he couldn't really see anyone else's eyes through his costume, let alone their eyebrows.
Shelby had temporarily scrapped their vocals, concentrating instead on perfecting their dancing now that everyone's visibility had been compromised. Kurt did his best to hit each movement with precision, trying not to wonder why Shelby hadn't just tossed the number or the costumes already, the way she normally would have done, or if whatever had her so distracted had anything to do with Jesse.
Or if Jesse would have told him, if it had.
Apparently though, he hadn't done a stellar job of paying attention, because out of nowhere, Shelby had stopped them and was giving them a heated lecture about theatricality, and Kurt knew he must have missed the sentence or two that explained what on earth she was talking about.
He was suddenly very grateful for the ridiculous red face drape that was hiding his bemused expression.
"Do I have to give a demonstration?" Shelby asked them, unimpressed. Kurt glanced around. If body language was anything to go on, he certainly wasn't the only one who didn't understand what Shelby was trying to say-or why she was saying it now-and after a few seconds of silence, they were peeling back their headpieces and filing down the stairs.
Sasha brushed past him and Blaine as they headed for their seats. "Spies in the back, of course," she muttered darkly, removing her wig entirely. "Why is it always my turn when we're wearing the stupid costumes? Security always makes fun of me."
Kurt gave her shoulder a sympathetic squeeze before she stalked out of the auditorium. At least, he thought, peeking back at the three distant figures as he sat down next to Blaine, the spies were dumb enough to actually sit in the seats. She'll be back before Shelby hits the chorus.
Sasha wasn't back, which was a shame-Kurt needed someone to exchange worried looks with.
Shelby's voice was as beautiful as it always was, but both her song choice and her movement style, or 'theatricality' or whatever, were wildly different than her usual stage presence. And it didn't seem like too many other people were noticing-Blaine and the freshmen couldn't be expected to know any better, but the majority of the older students were smiling along, either enjoying the show or simply relieved not to be onstage themselves anymore, blithely ignoring the fact that something was clearly bothering Shelby enough to radically alter her performance.
As the song was winding down, Kurt desperately began trying to think of some larger meaning behind the piece besides the sudden onset of Shelby's midlife crisis, just in case Shelby began calling on random people, as she occasionally did, to make sure everyone understood her point.
And then it happened:
Rachel Berry was walking down the aisle of the auditorium, staring at Shelby with a trancelike look of longing.
Shit.
Before Kurt could figure out what he should be doing, or if he should be doing anything at all, Blaine turned to him, eyes curious. "Isn't that Jesse's girlfriend?" he asked in a whisper, before turning back toward Rachel without waiting for an answer.
Kurt's instincts kicked in before his brain could catch up with them, and his hand was covering Blaine's mouth before Blaine had finished inhaling deeply enough to call out to Rachel. Blaine looked at him, startled-an expression Kurt was certain was mirrored on his own face. He dropped his hand immediately, stroking Blaine's arm apologetically, and shook off the shock as best he could.
"Don't get her attention or tell anyone who she is, okay?" he breathed gently into Blaine's ear, pulling back so that Blaine could see how seriously he meant it. "I'll explain everything later, I promise."
Blaine looked at him searchingly for a moment. Kurt wasn't sure what it was that he was looking for, but he must have found it, because slowly, carefully, Blaine nodded at him.
The music was still playing as Rachel reached the front of the stage and said something to Shelby that nobody else could hear.
Unexpectedly to everyone but Kurt, Shelby ended rehearsal shortly after Rachel's appearance, a stricken look on her face. While everyone around them gossiped in hushed tones about who the mystery girl could be-or buzzed with excitement over their suddenly-free afternoon-Kurt and Blaine were quiet as they peeled off their itchy red lace piece by piece and changed back into street clothes. Blaine, Kurt figured, was likely caught between curiosity over the situation and frustration with Kurt for not telling him what he obviously knew about it already.
And he'd be well within his right to feel that way, Kurt figured. He knew how much Blaine hated secrets-or, more specifically, Kurt keeping secrets from him-and he'd gone months without telling Blaine the truth about Jesse's transfer or the secret identity of his girlfriend, even after Blaine had met Rachel. He hadn't actively kept it a secret from Blaine, since he'd never had any intention of breaking his promise to Jesse (and, by extension, to Shelby) and telling anyone, but he wasn't sure if that was going to make things better or worse when he told Blaine everything, the way he said he would in order to keep Blaine quiet.
And Blaine was keeping what little information he had to himself, in spite of the conversations going on around them, all on Kurt's word that it was important.
Either way, he thought as they walked to Blaine's Honda, grey clouds threatening rain overhead, he'd be lucky if his confession didn't end in another battle like the week before.
Blaine continued to keep quiet until they were both in the car. The second that Kurt closed his door, however, Blaine turned in his seat and looked warily at him.
"Okay, which one is it: something I don't know, or something everyone doesn't know?" he wondered out loud, sighing in a tired way that went straight to Kurt's gut.
Kurt closed his eyes in order to avoid Blaine's gaze. "Everyone," he admitted, his voice bleaker than he had intended. Which is probably appropriate, he mused. "But this is absolutely top secret," he added, forging on, "so even if you're mad at me by the end of this conversation, I need you to promise that you won't tell anyone, either."
When he chanced a glance at Blaine, his expression had shifted into something more curious than annoyed. "I won't," he promised, still watching Kurt with steady eyes.
Kurt nodded, swallowing. "Okay," he murmured to himself.
Breathing deeply one last time, he turned back to face Blaine.
"A while ago, I figured something out about Rachel. Before I could tell you, I was sworn to secrecy," he began again, stretching the truth a little. "And then I-well, I wasn't sure if it was my business to say anything to anybody, after that."
"About what?" Blaine pressed, tilting his head slightly in a gesture that was vaguely familiar to Kurt.
There was no other way to say it. "Rachel is Shelby's biological daughter," he blurted out quickly, all in one breath.
Blaine's eyebrows shot up. "Wait, what?" he gasped, looking at Kurt disbelievingly. "Seriously?"
When Kurt merely nodded, Blaine shook his head, stunned. "Wow," he muttered, "oh my God. That…I was not expecting you to say that."
Kurt nodded again. "I was shocked, too," he agreed, hoping that how he figured it out wasn't going to be Blaine's next question.
Fortunately for him, it wasn't. "Does Jesse know?" Blaine demanded, looking back over at Kurt.
Who swallowed again, nervously. "He does," he confirmed, "but Rachel doesn't. Didn't. I guess she must know now, since she's in our auditorium with Shelby as we speak."
Blaine's eyes narrowed disapprovingly. "Hold on," he said, ignoring Kurt's verbal meandering. "Are you telling me that Jesse knew who his motherless girlfriend's mother was, and he didn't say anything?" he wanted to know. "That is-I can't believe how wrong that is."
Kurt blinked rapidly. "I guess it's more complicated than that," he explained slowly, looking down at his hands in his lap. "I wasn't told all of the details-and I didn't ask-but there's some sort of legal situation involved, since Rachel has her Two Gay Dads. I think they were the only ones allowed to tell her about Shelby."
Blaine's expression softened a little at that, but he still shook his head. "He must have said something, though," he reasoned. "It would be too much of a coincidence if Rachel's dads suddenly decided to tell her, once she started dating her mother's favorite student."
He paused, frowning. "And even if they did, Rachel knows that Jesse went to school here, and I'm sure she's figured out by now that he already knew."
Blaine shook his head again. "I feel so bad for her," he admitted. "That has to feel like such a betrayal."
Kurt flinched slightly at the word. Betrayal.
"I didn't tell her either, though, even though I knew," he reminded Blaine quietly.
Blaine's dark eyes widened, and he reached out to grasp Kurt's hand. "Of course you didn't," he said soothingly, seeming to think that it was his deceiving of Rachel that was troubling Kurt, rather than the potential loss of Blaine's good opinion. "It wasn't your place to, and it wouldn't have been fair to her to find out that way. Really, her dads should have said something. But to date her for months without telling her… If Jesse really loved her, he should have-"
Blaine stopped abruptly, and Kurt could practically see the painful realization on his face as he figured it out. "He doesn't love her, does he?" he asked Kurt, his voice clipped. "This is all just some plot of his."
Kurt wanted to defend Jesse, but really, there wasn't much he could say. Blaine was making the same argument he himself had made since the beginning, to no avail. "I don't know anymore," he confessed, closing his eyes and pressing them lightly with his free hand. "I think he does have feelings for her, but it's hard for me to know when he's such an idiot about talking about them. I've been telling him the whole time that he needs to be honest with her, but I don't know how he really feels and I can't control what he does, and…"
He trailed off, not knowing how to explain the enigma that was Jesse's relationship with the world any better than that. He looked up at Blaine shyly, almost afraid to see what his reaction was going to be.
Blaine was looking out the windshield in front of them, watching the last of the stragglers from Vocal Adrenaline (mostly girls who were limping slightly) make their way to their cars. When he spoke, it was in a quiet, bitter tone that Kurt couldn't remember ever hearing from Blaine, except for maybe when he first told Kurt about his old friends from Aquinas.
"I know he's your friend," he said quietly, still staring straight ahead. "But I don't think he's a very good person, Kurt."
If Kurt was being honest with himself, it did hurt to hear that, a little. But there was still the potential for worse, even though Blaine was still clutching his hand, and if Blaine was going to say it, Kurt wanted to get it over with quickly. "Do you think that about me, too?" he asked in a small voice.
Blaine started at the question, turning rapidly to look at Kurt. "Of course not," he promised quickly, vehemently. "Why would I? I don't have to like all of your friends to love you, and I don't think you did anything wrong, okay? I'm not-"
He paused. "I wish you had told me about Rachel," he continued, more slowly, "but I understand why you didn't. Shelby asked you to keep her private family stuff private, and you were just honoring her wishes. And you never actually lied to me and said that they weren't related. Which, for the record, I would have had a problem with."
Kurt had been feeling comforted by Blaine's assurances until Blaine mentioned Shelby. Because, thinking back on it, Kurt hadn't specifically said that Jesse was the one that had confirmed Rachel's parentage. And Blaine was all right with Kurt's actions (or lack thereof) because he assumed that Shelby was involved, but he probably wouldn't be as forgiving if Kurt told him the truth, not after what he had just said about Jesse. He didn't have to correct Blaine's assumption-Blaine had just implied that lying would have involved Kurt specifically saying something that wasn't true-but if he didn't, and Blaine found out, he'd probably be even angrier than if Kurt told him right away.
But Shelby would have asked the same thing of Kurt, had she known that Kurt knew about her and Rachel. So it wasn't as if the outcomes were really any different, and…
Kurt's head hurt.
Probably sensing that he still wasn't completely soothed, Blaine slid closer to his side of the car, pulling Kurt into a warm hug and rubbing his back gently.
"You're a good person," he promised quietly, kissing the side of Kurt's head softly. "I'll always think that."
Kurt felt a single tear slide down his cheek, dripping onto the sleeve of Blaine's shirt and leaving a tiny mark.
He didn't deserve his boyfriend's words. Maybe he didn't even deserve his boyfriend, who was good and sweet and thought the best of him, even when he hadn't earned it.
But he'd hold onto him anyway, as long as he could.
Shelby had them in their Bad Romance costumes again the next day, but sent them home early when Rachel showed up during a break, and half of her voice lessons and meetings were canceled on Thursday and Friday so that she could leave the school for important, undisclosed business. Rumors were flying around, each one crazier than the last, about what might be going on.
Kurt was one of the only ones who knew anything that came close to resembling the truth. For the first time in his life, however, he wished that he didn't.