(no subject)
Today I cried for the first time in forever. It felt like my face was leaking everything I keep bottled up in my head. Holding things in and appearing to be happy has really been working for me until today. I have literally cracked. A huge wound on the side of my face, weeping tears that are impossible to hold back is so much worse than just admitting that I'm unhappy. I find myself running to every temporary high I can possibly find and comsuming myself in it but the withdraw gets worse and worse every time.
When I was little, Katelin and I once sat on the curb at the bottom of the hill on our street after a big thunderstorm and filled our rainboots up with rain water that was streaming into the gutter. We must have done this for hours because I remember my hands and feet being all wrinkled from the wetness. I wish things were simple enough in my life now to enjoy something as innocent and uncomplicated as this, but even sitting still drives me crazy.
I have dreams about people telling me they love me even though in real life they would never say such a thing. I find it sad that I must create unconcious love to feel temporary affection. I sometimes try and sleep forever just to make it feel real.
I'm scared to say that I dont know what will happen to me. I always feel like I'm stumbling close to the edge of a cliff. Always about to fall off but somehow I dont. I know God is watching over me. There have been so many times that I should have hit my rock bottom but God apparently doesnt think its my time yet. Sometimes I wish the poor guy would just give up because I'm just a waste of his time. Almost everyone else has given uip on me or left me or forgotten I exsist. I've gotten into this horrible habbit of thinking that the way people have treated me in life is directly connected to how i look or how much money i have in my wallet or how interesting my social life is, so i find myself obsessing over mirrors, or working hard for all the wrong reasons or partying way too much.
I think the saddest thing about me is that I stopped singing. It has always been my number 1 passion and somehow i find myself hardly able to sing to the radio in front of other people.
When I was little, Katelin and I once sat on the curb at the bottom of the hill on our street after a big thunderstorm and filled our rainboots up with rain water that was streaming into the gutter. We must have done this for hours because I remember my hands and feet being all wrinkled from the wetness. I wish things were simple enough in my life now to enjoy something as innocent and uncomplicated as this, but even sitting still drives me crazy.
I have dreams about people telling me they love me even though in real life they would never say such a thing. I find it sad that I must create unconcious love to feel temporary affection. I sometimes try and sleep forever just to make it feel real.
I'm scared to say that I dont know what will happen to me. I always feel like I'm stumbling close to the edge of a cliff. Always about to fall off but somehow I dont. I know God is watching over me. There have been so many times that I should have hit my rock bottom but God apparently doesnt think its my time yet. Sometimes I wish the poor guy would just give up because I'm just a waste of his time. Almost everyone else has given uip on me or left me or forgotten I exsist. I've gotten into this horrible habbit of thinking that the way people have treated me in life is directly connected to how i look or how much money i have in my wallet or how interesting my social life is, so i find myself obsessing over mirrors, or working hard for all the wrong reasons or partying way too much.
I think the saddest thing about me is that I stopped singing. It has always been my number 1 passion and somehow i find myself hardly able to sing to the radio in front of other people.