(no subject)
I was sick on Friday. I had a headache that lasted all day and wasn’t helped by painkillers. By the evening I was clutching my head and screaming silently. In the end I managed to sleep it off. As well as that, I was having the usual problems with food. i.e. not wanting to eat, but forcing myself to because I was feeling weak and sick without it. I’m not like that every day, but my appetite, or lack thereof, is a source of annoyance. And I keep worrying about looking fat. I’m fighting that. I know it’s not true.
Overall, I’m not doing well at the minute. Frustrated, confused, sad, lonely. This has been building up for weeks and it seems that now I’m having one of my episodes, where for no good reason (well, there were a few triggers but they’re pathetic) I feel worthless and angry and just plain terrible for days. I’m constantly on the verge of tears. Sometimes I want to lie down and die. I’m not actually contemplating suicide, but at my worst I find myself thinking there’s no point in carrying on, that it’s always going to be like this. That my life isn’t going to amount to anything.
I’ll be twenty-one in three weeks, and I have no idea what I’m doing with my life. I’ve hardly got any friends, no real dating prospects, I’m crap at taking care of myself, I’m struggling to find a job, I lost my place on the course that was going to help me move on and possibly make something of myself... I really need something good to happen now.
I’m restless, I don’t like being in one place for too long, I want to see more of the world. New experiences make me happy. I keep thinking that I need to get away, move somewhere else for a while. That wouldn’t help, though, because I’d bring the same problems along with me and it would just be the same thing over again, in a different city. The new environment would only be a temporary fix.
I don’t know what to do.
I haven't told Shell or Chris how I'm feeling. They've been away for the weekend, they're back now but they haven't noticed if I'm acting weird, so I must be hiding it well.
I called my mother today to ask her about something. When she asked how I was doing, I found myself telling her some things. I didn’t go into detail about my low moods, I just talked about my half-assed job search and being unwell. She suggested that I just come home if I’m not happy here. I have been homesick but to be honest I think that being home would worsen my depression. I have friends here in Liverpool. Back home I’d just be sitting in that house in the country, day in and day out. When I do go out around the town and see people I used to know, I’m reminded that I was a loner freak in high school, and that I’m still very different to those girls. When I see them I feel like I’m sixteen again. I have made some progress since then and I don’t want to revert to being the person I was then. So yeah, being at home is not good for my sanity.
Picture me sighing now.
Sorry for rambling on, I needed to get stuff off my chest...
Overall, I’m not doing well at the minute. Frustrated, confused, sad, lonely. This has been building up for weeks and it seems that now I’m having one of my episodes, where for no good reason (well, there were a few triggers but they’re pathetic) I feel worthless and angry and just plain terrible for days. I’m constantly on the verge of tears. Sometimes I want to lie down and die. I’m not actually contemplating suicide, but at my worst I find myself thinking there’s no point in carrying on, that it’s always going to be like this. That my life isn’t going to amount to anything.
I’ll be twenty-one in three weeks, and I have no idea what I’m doing with my life. I’ve hardly got any friends, no real dating prospects, I’m crap at taking care of myself, I’m struggling to find a job, I lost my place on the course that was going to help me move on and possibly make something of myself... I really need something good to happen now.
I’m restless, I don’t like being in one place for too long, I want to see more of the world. New experiences make me happy. I keep thinking that I need to get away, move somewhere else for a while. That wouldn’t help, though, because I’d bring the same problems along with me and it would just be the same thing over again, in a different city. The new environment would only be a temporary fix.
I don’t know what to do.
I haven't told Shell or Chris how I'm feeling. They've been away for the weekend, they're back now but they haven't noticed if I'm acting weird, so I must be hiding it well.
I called my mother today to ask her about something. When she asked how I was doing, I found myself telling her some things. I didn’t go into detail about my low moods, I just talked about my half-assed job search and being unwell. She suggested that I just come home if I’m not happy here. I have been homesick but to be honest I think that being home would worsen my depression. I have friends here in Liverpool. Back home I’d just be sitting in that house in the country, day in and day out. When I do go out around the town and see people I used to know, I’m reminded that I was a loner freak in high school, and that I’m still very different to those girls. When I see them I feel like I’m sixteen again. I have made some progress since then and I don’t want to revert to being the person I was then. So yeah, being at home is not good for my sanity.
Picture me sighing now.
Sorry for rambling on, I needed to get stuff off my chest...