(no subject)
My anxiety has been through the roof this whole week. I seriously have not eaten a single meal that I didn't worry was going to make me sick (and this is diminishing my desire to go get dinner right now, even though that would be a good thing to do). I'm worried if I see people then they're going to make me sick (even though people who had just had a stomach flu would probably know to tell me not to see them lest I freak out - at least people who know me; there's not really anything I can do about strangers). I know getting sick isn't what's making me anxious, but I spend more of my time thinking about it.
My interview went pretty well but I still did not get on to Moot Court. That makes me sad, but also, I'm upset because I remember after the interview being excited and feeling like it went well, and now I can't remember feeling that way anymore; now when I think about it I feel like how could I have thought I could do it? I still feel okay in that I don't think I could have done better, which means I didn't blow it off like I do most things. But I feel like I'm a kid, and I look like a kid, and having to be in front of people and present myself as cool when I know that, at best, I look like I'm off to my bar mitzvah, is really embarrassing.
I know we're supposed to be above that stuff and not care about what we look like, but it's hard, when I know that everyone who looks at me sees this kid before they can hear about the GPA or the writing award or whatever, not to think of myself as that kid. I feel like I'm going to be stuck looking this way for the rest of my life, or at least until I'm obviously old. I feel like my only chance to be taken seriously while still feeling okay about myself is if my gender identity swings back again, like in college I was okay being a woman (although even then, I did not present like female lawyers seem to do and doing so would have made me upset). The thing is, the idea of that happening upsets me. I don't want to be a woman and I don't want to be a perpetual gender carnival ride either. But I feel like transitioning has been forever barred from me: because I thought I might be trans in high school, and then later I lived for years OK with being a woman, I can never know if that's going to happen again so I can never change anything. And that's aside from the unlikelihood of me taking any drastic action (or even pretty minor action) that's not supported by the people around me. It's not that people would go nuts and abandon me or anything, but I tend to move when people say move and when they don't, I...don't. And that's not going to happen here - for good reason, because it's not actually something other people can decide, and it pisses me off when they try to - but I don't remember how to decide things for myself anymore, so I end up stuck wherever I started.
I also have gotten very little work done this week, which makes me really nervous, to the point where it's become a cycle. I can't get work done because doing work makes me think about how much I have failed in not getting any done, at which point I freak out and can't work. I also spent most of yesterday expecting a phone call from my boss which never came, which was really...exceedingly unpleasant (and still is, because thinking about it still makes me nervous). I really just want to relax for a couple days or something, but the food and sickness stuff makes it hard to do that because even if I admit that I'm not working, I'm still worrying about something.
My interview went pretty well but I still did not get on to Moot Court. That makes me sad, but also, I'm upset because I remember after the interview being excited and feeling like it went well, and now I can't remember feeling that way anymore; now when I think about it I feel like how could I have thought I could do it? I still feel okay in that I don't think I could have done better, which means I didn't blow it off like I do most things. But I feel like I'm a kid, and I look like a kid, and having to be in front of people and present myself as cool when I know that, at best, I look like I'm off to my bar mitzvah, is really embarrassing.
I know we're supposed to be above that stuff and not care about what we look like, but it's hard, when I know that everyone who looks at me sees this kid before they can hear about the GPA or the writing award or whatever, not to think of myself as that kid. I feel like I'm going to be stuck looking this way for the rest of my life, or at least until I'm obviously old. I feel like my only chance to be taken seriously while still feeling okay about myself is if my gender identity swings back again, like in college I was okay being a woman (although even then, I did not present like female lawyers seem to do and doing so would have made me upset). The thing is, the idea of that happening upsets me. I don't want to be a woman and I don't want to be a perpetual gender carnival ride either. But I feel like transitioning has been forever barred from me: because I thought I might be trans in high school, and then later I lived for years OK with being a woman, I can never know if that's going to happen again so I can never change anything. And that's aside from the unlikelihood of me taking any drastic action (or even pretty minor action) that's not supported by the people around me. It's not that people would go nuts and abandon me or anything, but I tend to move when people say move and when they don't, I...don't. And that's not going to happen here - for good reason, because it's not actually something other people can decide, and it pisses me off when they try to - but I don't remember how to decide things for myself anymore, so I end up stuck wherever I started.
I also have gotten very little work done this week, which makes me really nervous, to the point where it's become a cycle. I can't get work done because doing work makes me think about how much I have failed in not getting any done, at which point I freak out and can't work. I also spent most of yesterday expecting a phone call from my boss which never came, which was really...exceedingly unpleasant (and still is, because thinking about it still makes me nervous). I really just want to relax for a couple days or something, but the food and sickness stuff makes it hard to do that because even if I admit that I'm not working, I'm still worrying about something.