HALP
I had a really crazy day at school today. I was really upset and couldn't calm down and stay calm, and it was not helped by the fact that I was to tired to put together a coherent sentence. Or understand them, I was sitting in Civil Procedure listening to the professor talk about counterclaims, and I kept following halfway through his sentence and then realizing I wasn't really sure what he was saying, so my notes are just a paraphrase of Rule 13 (my Contracts notes are nonexistent because I was going between crying and writing my client letter, so I hope the client letter is at all coherent). I feel like a giant dick too, I was snapping and everything, I just could not calm the fuck down.
After school I went to lunch with my brother, who was just as tired as I am (because even though musicians do not have to get up as early as lawyers, they also apparently stay up until six in the morning) so we just whined about how tired we are and how difficult our respective schools are over hamburgers. Then I had to leave so that I could go home and TAKE A NAP. Which I did, so I felt just a little bit better.
This jobs thing is eating my soul. All of my thoughts lead eventually - well, pretty quickly actually - to how I don't have a job. Like, if I 'm complaining, I'm like "I can't fit in men's clothes, and now I don't know what to wear, and I have a really girly voice too, and this is not really a problem to most 24-year-old women so maybe I'm actually just mentally ill, and ALSO I DON'T HAVE A JOB." and if I'm happy I'm like "It's so nice and warm and sunny, and it doesn't get dark at four anymore, and I'm going down to sit on the docks and breathe the sea air while I righteously get my paper done and I feel so productive BUT I DON'T HAVE A JOB." I mean, I guess not having a job is a reasonable thing to worry about? I am not inventing a problem out of thin air or anything (for once). Only I NEVER STOP THINKING ABOUT IT, and there is nothing that I can actually do about it, or I assume there must be something, but I don't know what it is, so I actually can't do it.
After school I went to lunch with my brother, who was just as tired as I am (because even though musicians do not have to get up as early as lawyers, they also apparently stay up until six in the morning) so we just whined about how tired we are and how difficult our respective schools are over hamburgers. Then I had to leave so that I could go home and TAKE A NAP. Which I did, so I felt just a little bit better.
This jobs thing is eating my soul. All of my thoughts lead eventually - well, pretty quickly actually - to how I don't have a job. Like, if I 'm complaining, I'm like "I can't fit in men's clothes, and now I don't know what to wear, and I have a really girly voice too, and this is not really a problem to most 24-year-old women so maybe I'm actually just mentally ill, and ALSO I DON'T HAVE A JOB." and if I'm happy I'm like "It's so nice and warm and sunny, and it doesn't get dark at four anymore, and I'm going down to sit on the docks and breathe the sea air while I righteously get my paper done and I feel so productive BUT I DON'T HAVE A JOB." I mean, I guess not having a job is a reasonable thing to worry about? I am not inventing a problem out of thin air or anything (for once). Only I NEVER STOP THINKING ABOUT IT, and there is nothing that I can actually do about it, or I assume there must be something, but I don't know what it is, so I actually can't do it.