(no subject)
so yesterday was basically the worst day of my life...i ended up going to the hospital around 6...got IV's and stabbed a hundred times...finally found out i might have Crowns disease or colitus?? and that i'm really sick.,..not sick like you would think..but internally..oh yeah you got it..i'm bleeding internally..pretty gross huh?...i dont understand why this happens to me..i mean i'm screwed up enough..everything that could go wrong does!..so now i have to have a camera tube stuck down my throat!..but i guess i'm just gunna think of it the best i can..and that this is a chance for me to make up everything i did wrong..everyone i hurt...and just to start new..no reason to live in guilt, when you can fix it right??>..right!.....so here it goes...
Lauren-
I Love you soo much..you were my best friend there for a while and you were the only person i had for a while..i could talk to you about anything and you will never know how much that means to me..even still..
you were such a huge part in my life, and i want you to be..i want to draw you pictures and cover your celing!..i guess really i just want everything back..no matter who i meet, noone makes me laugh like we did...and i know i prolly sound like a butch, but its true..i know you think i blow you off..and i dont do it to piss you off or hurt you, even though i understand you think i do...i'm goin through so much right now and all i have is chris..which sux cause half the time he is the problem!..i dont wanna bother you with my problems...honestly i guess i'm just scared if we become close again..something will go wrong and it will end up like it did last time,..and i cant do that again...i lost my best friend and that is the worst feeling a person could ever go through..and i cant and will not do it again..so please understand, if not i understand..but i wanna be ubber close again..so even if i dont have the best way of showing it..i do..and i'm gunna call you and we will hang out cause i got you some things i think you will like...what size slipper do you wear?!?!..but i love you!
Bryan-
hey hun!..i know we havent been close in a while and i'm sorry that when we went out i was really shy and really didnt seem like i liked you at all...BUT I DID!..i did a lot..its just that i was scared...no excuse i know..i just wanted you to know that...and you still are the coolest guy i know! :)..and i still remember kissing you in your basement lol <3
Aaron-
gosh!..what to say first...i know you wont see this but here it goes i guess..we have been really close for some time and for a while you were my hope, if that makes sence...i turned to you for everything and anything..you were my first true love and will always be..we went our seperate ways for a while and really when me you and lauren stopped talking my life ended...and something died inside of me...we went through a lot, and i wont forget anything..i just wish sometimes i could..ya know?..some things i have to think about everyday kill me..and sometimes i feel like i cant take it...i HATE you kissing me in my car, and then the next day pretending i'm nobody cause heather was there, then calling me that night!..do you know what that did to me??..no you couldnt understand..you say your not happy, yet you do nothing to fix it..i stop answering your calls lastely cause i cant deal with it..i know its a shitty way of letting you go..but its the only way..cause when i talk to you..i cant let you go..so now i just dont answer..i cant be your back up girl and i wont be..i wont let you write to me then go to heather the next day..i wont be the person who does that..i cant!...its not her fault you feel any way that you do..and its not yours...just be honest with yourself..for once in my life..i'm doing that...i know it might hurt people..but i have to..i just want you to be happy..honestly happy..not guilt or no feeling bad!..i love you more than you will EVER know..and i always will..no matter what you choose to do with your life..i'm not trying to take you away from heather so please dont think i am..cause i would never do that or try to.i'm just telling you everything so incase something happens to me...i know in my heart i set everything straight!...i think about you ALL of the time..no matter what i'm doing..and for some reason everywhere i go "wonderful tonight" plays and its the sadest time of my life...noone will ever love you like i do, and not even sexually or anything like that..just true genuine love..and i hope you know that...i want you to know that so if you ever question anything about you...know this....<3
this wasnt a simpathy entry..and i wont write one..i just wanted to let the people i actually care about how i actually feel so they truelly know!...i love you guys..more than you could know!...<3
Lauren-
I Love you soo much..you were my best friend there for a while and you were the only person i had for a while..i could talk to you about anything and you will never know how much that means to me..even still..
you were such a huge part in my life, and i want you to be..i want to draw you pictures and cover your celing!..i guess really i just want everything back..no matter who i meet, noone makes me laugh like we did...and i know i prolly sound like a butch, but its true..i know you think i blow you off..and i dont do it to piss you off or hurt you, even though i understand you think i do...i'm goin through so much right now and all i have is chris..which sux cause half the time he is the problem!..i dont wanna bother you with my problems...honestly i guess i'm just scared if we become close again..something will go wrong and it will end up like it did last time,..and i cant do that again...i lost my best friend and that is the worst feeling a person could ever go through..and i cant and will not do it again..so please understand, if not i understand..but i wanna be ubber close again..so even if i dont have the best way of showing it..i do..and i'm gunna call you and we will hang out cause i got you some things i think you will like...what size slipper do you wear?!?!..but i love you!
Bryan-
hey hun!..i know we havent been close in a while and i'm sorry that when we went out i was really shy and really didnt seem like i liked you at all...BUT I DID!..i did a lot..its just that i was scared...no excuse i know..i just wanted you to know that...and you still are the coolest guy i know! :)..and i still remember kissing you in your basement lol <3
Aaron-
gosh!..what to say first...i know you wont see this but here it goes i guess..we have been really close for some time and for a while you were my hope, if that makes sence...i turned to you for everything and anything..you were my first true love and will always be..we went our seperate ways for a while and really when me you and lauren stopped talking my life ended...and something died inside of me...we went through a lot, and i wont forget anything..i just wish sometimes i could..ya know?..some things i have to think about everyday kill me..and sometimes i feel like i cant take it...i HATE you kissing me in my car, and then the next day pretending i'm nobody cause heather was there, then calling me that night!..do you know what that did to me??..no you couldnt understand..you say your not happy, yet you do nothing to fix it..i stop answering your calls lastely cause i cant deal with it..i know its a shitty way of letting you go..but its the only way..cause when i talk to you..i cant let you go..so now i just dont answer..i cant be your back up girl and i wont be..i wont let you write to me then go to heather the next day..i wont be the person who does that..i cant!...its not her fault you feel any way that you do..and its not yours...just be honest with yourself..for once in my life..i'm doing that...i know it might hurt people..but i have to..i just want you to be happy..honestly happy..not guilt or no feeling bad!..i love you more than you will EVER know..and i always will..no matter what you choose to do with your life..i'm not trying to take you away from heather so please dont think i am..cause i would never do that or try to.i'm just telling you everything so incase something happens to me...i know in my heart i set everything straight!...i think about you ALL of the time..no matter what i'm doing..and for some reason everywhere i go "wonderful tonight" plays and its the sadest time of my life...noone will ever love you like i do, and not even sexually or anything like that..just true genuine love..and i hope you know that...i want you to know that so if you ever question anything about you...know this....<3
this wasnt a simpathy entry..and i wont write one..i just wanted to let the people i actually care about how i actually feel so they truelly know!...i love you guys..more than you could know!...<3