Perhaps its a whiny entry.

Oct 25, 2009 18:35

Had my hoo-hah biopsied at Dartmouth on Friday. Hopefully it's nothing serious. I hear back sometime in the near future. I wasn't paying attention when the resident/ob-gyn talked to me, since I'd taken one too many ativan to compensate for nerves. So now my mother's convinced I have a prescription-drug problem. And a drinking problem. Truth be told, I'm just bored, miserable, listless, borderline panic-attacky. It comes/goes in waves. ANYONE in this situation would feel the same way. Permanent employment would help. I've got *another* interview at Dartmouth tomorrow (I've been up there more in the past month than in any other period of my life, barring Gina's open-heart surgeries when I was little), wish me luck.
I realized today that I seem to be losing my academic drive. I should theoretically study for the GRE and possibly, you know, scheduling myself to take it sometime soon, but I sort of feel like education is a joke. I spent four years busting my brain, chain-smoking, getting wrinkles and ulcers, to get a damn degree, and I feel like it's gotten me nowhere. Yeah, I've only been out for three months, but the prospect of going back, while I know it IS the RIGHT path, daunts me. Will it be worth it? Will I feel like I've LEARNED something, or will I just be further in the hole?
Thailand cannot come soon enough. This feels like stagnation.
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