what a tiny thinker i was at the time
I found this entry from before I went to treatment, and I'm really proud of myself for writing it. It's insightful, concise, and true.
"So, my friends, next semester another chapter of my life will unfold. If all falls through, I will be moving into a home with other adolescents in either Downey, Whittier, or Lakewood California. When my therapist talked to me about this I felt helpless, hopeless, abandoned...Maybe even slightly betrayed. I felt like she had underlying motives the entire time. Feelings are fine, but as I have said once before they are transient and ephemeral. I'm not sad. The principals of spirituality will get me through this. Gratitude is the vision that "sees" a gift and recognizes how gift-ed we are. The people I have met and the thing's I have experienced have been given to me, and I am grateful.
Gratitudes Opposite--greed--is the vision that everything is to be "gotten". Greed and misery go hand in hand, because misery arises inevitably from the belief that we can control everything and that anything we have, we deserve. Misery is misery because it does not know the meaning of enough. Maybe this is my higher power telling me I have had enough...and it's time to get grateful, and even if it seems unfair (like so many other things that have gone on) it is time to press on. To those that have, more will be given. I think that's a virtual truism, a self fulfilling prophecy, because in that realization the insight is applied in the only way possible- not material goods, but the spiritual realities of release, serenity, miracle, tolerance, friendship, community, and love. As we come to see the gift of these realities in our lives, the realities themselves become more present, and more real.
I have come to the point of exhaustion, and have given up my efforts...thus I have permitted myself to just be."
"So, my friends, next semester another chapter of my life will unfold. If all falls through, I will be moving into a home with other adolescents in either Downey, Whittier, or Lakewood California. When my therapist talked to me about this I felt helpless, hopeless, abandoned...Maybe even slightly betrayed. I felt like she had underlying motives the entire time. Feelings are fine, but as I have said once before they are transient and ephemeral. I'm not sad. The principals of spirituality will get me through this. Gratitude is the vision that "sees" a gift and recognizes how gift-ed we are. The people I have met and the thing's I have experienced have been given to me, and I am grateful.
Gratitudes Opposite--greed--is the vision that everything is to be "gotten". Greed and misery go hand in hand, because misery arises inevitably from the belief that we can control everything and that anything we have, we deserve. Misery is misery because it does not know the meaning of enough. Maybe this is my higher power telling me I have had enough...and it's time to get grateful, and even if it seems unfair (like so many other things that have gone on) it is time to press on. To those that have, more will be given. I think that's a virtual truism, a self fulfilling prophecy, because in that realization the insight is applied in the only way possible- not material goods, but the spiritual realities of release, serenity, miracle, tolerance, friendship, community, and love. As we come to see the gift of these realities in our lives, the realities themselves become more present, and more real.
I have come to the point of exhaustion, and have given up my efforts...thus I have permitted myself to just be."