how many tears i cried for you?...and how many times i've stopped myself?

[seditlevia]

so we were watching 'rookie' on the disney channel. there's dennis quiad washing the dishes, then, i nicely told oni, "wash the dishes for your wife, okay oni?", then he said(with his serious insult tone), "i'm not gonna wash it for you."...you know, snap comments like that just angers me. you talk to a person nicely, and all you get are insults. and the worse part is, it came from your own flesh and blood. that's why i lost interest when it comes to talking to oni, whenever i try to communicate with him, i think to myself if i should talk to him or not...because he always says these things. no matter how nice or serious you are, he makes snap comments about me that i'm not so fond of. because of those hurtful words, i always end up crying. insults from school are enough...and coming home hearing those words from your brother is just too much. and whenever i tell him about this matter, he just says that i take it too seriously, that it were jokes. and i tell him that i'm sensitive and shits like that...then he makes more insults and more and more and more to hurt my feelings, "i'm just insensitive when it comes to you! because I DON'T CARE about your feelings!". he told me that i'm a cry-baby, which i admit it to him, that I AM a cry-baby..i don't deny that. it's my way of releasing things, "ooohhh,what? WHAT? are you gonna cry now?! CRY-BABY!". he just keeps on throwing and throwing and throwing words. he has comments on EVERYTHING. when i went upstairs, i was all crying and my dad saw me. and he comforted me. which made me cry even more...because i was wondering, "why are you suddenly being nice?!". he keeps on saying things like he's proud of me..that i'm a good girl and don't believe what other people say about me...even when it comes to my brother. he even asked me if i'd like to eat outside coz i don't feel like eating here. i hated every bit of it...and i cried even more and more and more because it made me further realize that i'm like him...that I AM him. he's suddenly changed(AGAIN). mom noticed this as well, and we both know it's because he's scared of losing his kids. coz he knows if the divorce is pursued, mom is gonna take us away. he even talked to oni about his attitude...even though i told him not to. because i don't see any point on telling the kid how to behave if he doesn't even take it to heart. he doesn't feel a thing when he constantly hurt me. he's just gonna say, "whatever" about the whole situation. he never listens. new zealand changed that kid so much. i hate my brother. this is worse compared to the time he punched me on the chest.

words are more painful than punches. i'd rather him hurt me through his fists than his tongue.

i wish i wasn't so sensitive and vulnerable.
i wish i don't take things too seriously.
i wish i'm nothing but a vapour.
drifting away with no emotions...
drifting away in the crimson of paradise...

heh. save me.