(no subject)
so ... i told my mother that i smoked this past weekend (my dad already knew, and has already smoked with me, which was weird but an entirely different tangent). instead of the asian mother blowup i was expecting, i instead got the more typical parenting 'disappointment', which has really never happened in my entire life. along with a long and serious talk with both my parents about how i will probably never quit smoking if i am anything like them. all of which seems to have taken away any joy in smoking i had. it's there, a little bit, but much less so. there's really nothing healthy to replace the stress though, seeing as i'm already up to six cups of coffee a day (which generally leads my normally intense thinking processes to speed to a really unhealthy pace) and i have horrible reactions to letting go of control in any type of drug-induced way.
will be in cleveland this weekend for those concerned, and much looking forward to it. this trip can be classified into "running away", and for once, i am most definitely okay with that label. because i am coming to realize a lot of things that i really hate about evanston, northwestern, and the chemistry program. and realizing that i was ridiculously spoiled in terms of the amount of loyalty that my old friends have. i am unwilling to play the drama game, so i am simplifying my life in the only way i really know how, which is to be entirely black-and-white about every situation. absolutism is not a great way to live, but it's the only way that is going to allow me to function when i'm not comfortable with trust.
will be in cleveland this weekend for those concerned, and much looking forward to it. this trip can be classified into "running away", and for once, i am most definitely okay with that label. because i am coming to realize a lot of things that i really hate about evanston, northwestern, and the chemistry program. and realizing that i was ridiculously spoiled in terms of the amount of loyalty that my old friends have. i am unwilling to play the drama game, so i am simplifying my life in the only way i really know how, which is to be entirely black-and-white about every situation. absolutism is not a great way to live, but it's the only way that is going to allow me to function when i'm not comfortable with trust.