Self-Preservation
We learn more and more every day. Recently, I’m learned a lot about me. I hate meeting new people. I avoid talking to, and even sitting next to people I don’t know because I’m terrified of putting myself out there and not being accepted. I tread lightly with the people that surround me now. I desperately don’t want to be abandoned by them so I’m not who I really am. No one really knows me. The only hint they have is by things I write, and I’ve had to stop putting them on the internet given their content. People think they have me read, but that’s who I want you to see. I’ve been abandoned (okay, it’s more like shit happens) by a lot of people. It started in grade school and gradually got worse. I’ve lost, or “lost”, so many friends I started thinking maybe it was me. People leave me because they don’t like me. Realistically I know it’s their family moved or college or they me for fun or something. I know that it’s not me, but there’s something inside of me that knows I’m lying to protect myself. My insecurity tells me I suck so people find a reason to leave. I walk on eggshells to prevent this. At the same time, I’m a complete bitch to those closest to me. I hold back what I really think (usually) and pick out things I know bothers them and I use it. I figure instead of wondering why they don’t like me, or waiting for them to leave me, I’ll do this so I know why. I was a terrible person to them and I did it on purpose so then when they inevitable abandonment comes I can pinpoint what I did wrong instead of guessing. I’m an asshole to keep people at an arm’s length. If I don’t get too close I can’t be hurt as badly when they leave. This is a rather dumb tactic, but it works for me. I hate that I’m like this, but realizing it, I don’t think it’ll stop me. I realized this is what I’m doing about a month ago. I’ve gotten way better about it. Why should I take it out on these friends who obviously haven’t left me? I’m sure that I’ll blame myself the next time something happens, but they don’t deserve to be treated like that just because I have issues with being abandoned. Acting the way I have been is self-preservation. I thought it was working, but then I realized that it was just retarded. I apologize for my actions, and I promise that I’ll be better. And don’t be afraid to put me in line, it might hurt my feelings but things like that lead to epiphanies like this. And by reading this, you should know how difficult it is for me to let people in. Here’s a start.