Not obeying the speed limit...
I just realize that I have been moving a bit too fast for Hannah and myself. It's really my fault. I took a big risk, by getting her half dozen of roses that night, and I think that's where it started really. See, that past month, when I first got to know her, things were absolutely wonderful. I was just being myself, and I didn't even try to impress her at all. I loved getting to know her, and I know she really enjoy being with me. It was great...until I started to ruin that spark we had.
There was a lot of mix signals that week. At first, when she didn't sit by me, I thought something was wrong. Then later that week, Christin called me for the first time in 3 months. Then the next day, I get this anonymous post from somebody. As soon as I found out what Christin had to say to me, I didn't think she would be worth it anymore. In the past 6 months, I've wanted to get to know her as friends, and it turned into a disaster. Then when this anonymous post came in, with not hearing from Hannah for the past few days, I thought it was Hannah. Turned out that I was wrong, but the thing is...I panic.
After knowing Hannah for a while, I knew there was a lot of things going on in her life. She was trying to make something for herself, and she was trying to figure that out. I've been there before, and I know what it's like. Only difference between Hannah and I, is that Hannah has a family that will support her. I didn't have that. So it was very hard to get through to where I am today. I knew Hannah would face that, but in a very different way. I wanted to be there for her, to support whatever choices she makes.
I just finished watching, "The Notebook." I have never seen the movie before, and wow...I have to say wow. While watching it, a lot of thoughts came pouring through my mind. I wanted to stop and write them down, so that I can post my thoughts...but I never did. There was just too much for me to handle! One of the thing that came to my mind was, I just want to be happy. I just wanted to feel like I can be myself. I just want to enjoy life! I have NEVER been a steady relationship. I have never had anybody to stick with for a long time. I am so tired of being alone. I am so tired of coming home, where everything is empty. Ever since I was on my own 10 years ago, I have changed so much. I am not the same person as I was when I was 20. I used to be careless, and did a lot of crazy stuff. But over the years, it has changed me so much that I am trying so hard to get by with what little I have. I don't mean by living standards. I mean by unconditional love. I mean by hope.
Knowing Hannah during the first few weeks, she reminded me of what I was like at her age. I was so much like her, it surprises me. That's why I can so much in her that I know she is going to be able to do great things. I mean..look at me today...when I was 20, I was putting steel rods into a grinder, and doing rubber stamping. Now...I am the guy who is overseeing the new aircraft that Cessna is designing. I have put myself into situations that helped me grow, and I have learned so much to get to where I am today, and I still have a long way to go. I was happy being with her because I want to go back to being 20, and doing all those crazy fun stuff!
But I panic. I thought I was going to lose Hannah. Turned out that I wasn't, because I was making a lot of bad assumptions. But it did make me feel like I had to do something and I pushed the feelings to Hannah a little bit too fast. I did tell Hannah that I liked her, and that I wanted to be with her. On top of a lot of things she had on her mind, I am afraid I made her uncomfortable. I'm afraid that I may have killed the spark. With what had gone on in the past 2 weeks, nobody was talking to me about anything...and I was trying to reach out, and by doing so, I was making it worst.
To be honest, I was a bit nervous about Hannah leaving to Utah. I was afraid to get to know her, because at first, I knew I liked her. But I took a chance, and I was right...I ended up liking her. I knew about her possible move to Utah, and I was trying to be strong about it because if it did happen, I won't regret it. I'll just let things are. But I wanted to make every moment with her count. So, with all the confusion that went on in the past 2 weeks, I was afraid I would lose somebody all over again. Now that I have learned that she isn't going to Utah, but is looking into options of serving in the military...I'm proud of her making a effort in her life. But I don't want her to go. But I have to let her go...let her make the choices for herself. I want her to be happy.
So, I'm taking another risk again. The other day, I ordered 3 white roses for Hannah. In the card, I wrote, "Lately, I've seen grey clouds over your head, and I hope these roses will brighten your day." I chose white because I wanted her to know that I feel for her to deal with all the changes she has to face.
I'm going to see her on Saturday, and before we go on the trip to Frontier City...I'm going to tell Hannah that I'm sorry for moving too fast. I wanted us to have a lot fun together...let us enjoy ourselves.