The Very Secret Diaries - Peter Bone
Lack of sleep and a nostalgic wander through the Lord of the Rings fandom caused this series to spring into life. My humble thanks to Cassandra Claire, author of the original Very Secret Diaries, which are (happily) still archived here, and my profound apologies to all of you for inflicting this upon you.
The Very Secret Diary of Peter Bone
Day One
An election, wonderful. I do so enjoy going out and meeting my constituents.
That awful Osborne chap fawning over David again as he made his speech. Quite obviously looking at David's tie, and I'm sure I heard him mutter something about licking it. Rather distateful.
Day Five
Good day campaigning today; I met many constituents. They all look so happy when I speak with them.
The vain Liberal has a spot on his chin, I feel the hands of Mandelson might have been involved in this. I'm sure he's aware that it's against the rules. If Spirit of the Realm finds out he'll have his omni-viewing portal suspended. I'm still convinced Mandelson is responsible for Boris' awful hair.
Day Eight
Met a most enchanting constituent today. She was quaking with happiness when I shook her hand.
Don't know whose idea it was to have these silly election debates. Very bad idea if you ask me.
I wonder if David has started talking to himself in the mirror yet.
Day Twelve
Was going to speak to two consituents I saw this morning, but they saw me and got into a taxi. Must have been in a hurry.
I do wish that Gordon wouldn't smile, it is a most disturbing sight. The vain Liberal obviously loving the attention he was getting. Strange to see him speaking with no one shouting at him.
Day Fourteen
First baby of the election campaign kissed. It was so happy that it started to cry.
The vain Liberal obviously starting to find David attractive, really is a disaster for him as George will certainly kill him if he tries anything.
Have had my omni-viewing portal suspended for conjuring Cleggmania. It was worth it.
Day Twenty
Everyone in constituency very happy with my new posters. They smile so happily when they see them.1
Gordon obviously coming on to the vain Liberal in the second debate. I'm beginning to wonder if Gordon isn't secretly gay. Saw Theresa today. Lovely woman, always so helpful.
Day Twenty-Five
Constiuent told me today I am the scariest person she's ever met. I assume she was just so happy in meeting me that she mixed up her words.
Spirit of the Realm informs me that Mandelson tried to undo my Cleggmania spell but changed his mind when he was informed of the 'leads to immediate death' clause I put in it. Surprised it bothered him, to be honest.
Day Thirty-One
Rally in constiuency, everyone so excited by my speech that they were gripping each other tightly.
Last tv debate very boring so I decided to get bi-yearly bath out of the way but dropped bottle of strawberry bath foam in by accident and ended up with bubbles everywhere. Most annoying.
Day Thirty-Five
Election campign over. No meetings.
Hung parliament as predicted. Suspension on omni-viewing portal lifted just in time for me to see Gordon offering the vain Liberal "rainbow coalition". Rather inappropriate as it is a kinky sex game. Fortunately the vain Liberal refused. Perhaps not so liberal after all?
Also found bottle of bath oil on living room table. Mandelson most certainly responsible. Rather terrified of him wanting to watch me bathe.
Day Forty
Coalition government (fortunately not rainbow) has been agreed on. David to be Prime Minister and the vain Liberal to be Deputy. Prime Minister obviously starting to feel attracted to the vain Liberal. I know Mandelson's not responsible and I certainly wouldn't. Wonder if someone else had a hand in it
Day Forty-Five
Have learned that Mandelson cast a spell for Osborne. I have nothing against Osborne being happy, but the way that is happening is, frankly, disgusting. Have summoned Spirit of the Realm to banish it; the price is high, but I shall pay it.
Day Fifty-Two
Unexpected side effect of spell banishing unfortunate. Laws was good man to work in treasury. Do feel slightly guilty, but it was the right thing to do.
1Peter Bone had posters during his campaign that read: BONE CONSERVATIVES
The Very Secret Diary of Peter Bone
Day One
An election, wonderful. I do so enjoy going out and meeting my constituents.
That awful Osborne chap fawning over David again as he made his speech. Quite obviously looking at David's tie, and I'm sure I heard him mutter something about licking it. Rather distateful.
Day Five
Good day campaigning today; I met many constituents. They all look so happy when I speak with them.
The vain Liberal has a spot on his chin, I feel the hands of Mandelson might have been involved in this. I'm sure he's aware that it's against the rules. If Spirit of the Realm finds out he'll have his omni-viewing portal suspended. I'm still convinced Mandelson is responsible for Boris' awful hair.
Day Eight
Met a most enchanting constituent today. She was quaking with happiness when I shook her hand.
Don't know whose idea it was to have these silly election debates. Very bad idea if you ask me.
I wonder if David has started talking to himself in the mirror yet.
Day Twelve
Was going to speak to two consituents I saw this morning, but they saw me and got into a taxi. Must have been in a hurry.
I do wish that Gordon wouldn't smile, it is a most disturbing sight. The vain Liberal obviously loving the attention he was getting. Strange to see him speaking with no one shouting at him.
Day Fourteen
First baby of the election campaign kissed. It was so happy that it started to cry.
The vain Liberal obviously starting to find David attractive, really is a disaster for him as George will certainly kill him if he tries anything.
Have had my omni-viewing portal suspended for conjuring Cleggmania. It was worth it.
Day Twenty
Everyone in constituency very happy with my new posters. They smile so happily when they see them.1
Gordon obviously coming on to the vain Liberal in the second debate. I'm beginning to wonder if Gordon isn't secretly gay. Saw Theresa today. Lovely woman, always so helpful.
Day Twenty-Five
Constiuent told me today I am the scariest person she's ever met. I assume she was just so happy in meeting me that she mixed up her words.
Spirit of the Realm informs me that Mandelson tried to undo my Cleggmania spell but changed his mind when he was informed of the 'leads to immediate death' clause I put in it. Surprised it bothered him, to be honest.
Day Thirty-One
Rally in constiuency, everyone so excited by my speech that they were gripping each other tightly.
Last tv debate very boring so I decided to get bi-yearly bath out of the way but dropped bottle of strawberry bath foam in by accident and ended up with bubbles everywhere. Most annoying.
Day Thirty-Five
Election campign over. No meetings.
Hung parliament as predicted. Suspension on omni-viewing portal lifted just in time for me to see Gordon offering the vain Liberal "rainbow coalition". Rather inappropriate as it is a kinky sex game. Fortunately the vain Liberal refused. Perhaps not so liberal after all?
Also found bottle of bath oil on living room table. Mandelson most certainly responsible. Rather terrified of him wanting to watch me bathe.
Day Forty
Coalition government (fortunately not rainbow) has been agreed on. David to be Prime Minister and the vain Liberal to be Deputy. Prime Minister obviously starting to feel attracted to the vain Liberal. I know Mandelson's not responsible and I certainly wouldn't. Wonder if someone else had a hand in it
Day Forty-Five
Have learned that Mandelson cast a spell for Osborne. I have nothing against Osborne being happy, but the way that is happening is, frankly, disgusting. Have summoned Spirit of the Realm to banish it; the price is high, but I shall pay it.
Day Fifty-Two
Unexpected side effect of spell banishing unfortunate. Laws was good man to work in treasury. Do feel slightly guilty, but it was the right thing to do.
1Peter Bone had posters during his campaign that read: BONE CONSERVATIVES