(no subject)
i think it's been forever since i last updated. i'm not sure why i'm doing this now other than that i'm in a constant state of panic lately and even the last of my insomniac friends have gone to sleep. i can't breathe because it feels like someone is sitting on me. like grace i am paralyzed by everything that must get done in the next few days. after not sleeping last night, i came home from work today and stared at nothing for several hours and then finally fell asleep, wasting most of the day. i've been horrible to be around lately, distracted, awkward and disengaged. hopefully by this time next week everything will be better because the semester will be over. i have become a horrible writer this semester, i need to snap out of it. 6 more months of columbia then i'm, or rather, we're moving to st. louis. i really can't wait. but then i have nights like tonight where i sit there in the dark hearing the sounds of sleep and feel my chest seize and panic follows. i had to drive home at 3am in order to coat myself in vick's and calm myself down. it is in these moments when i challenge everything i think i may have learned in the past few years. it seems as though if i were to have learned anything i would know how to manage the end of the semester bullshit and how to manage my relationships and be a better person. maybe it'll never happen.