i'm not usually this sad.
this entry is prompted by a brief burst of irrational fear followed by an intense loneliness, the likes of which i haven't felt in a while. i had dinner with megan tonight, it was really nice. however, when she asked me how things were going with boys, i didn't like that it took me forever to tell all the recent stories: bad text messages, drunken flirtation, longing. i know none of them are right for me, don't think i've forgotten. i know that i'm awkward and tend to say the wrong thing all the time. but i can't forget that i'm so lonely. i don't even remember what it feels like. i should feel good, there are no selfish, detrimental relationships based purely on physical things. but then that leads to me feeling undesirable and fat. it's hard to get up and work out when i only want to sleep to pass the time. i think that my birthday is coming close and so is valentine's day. people i can't stand seem to find significant others, all my best friends seem to be happy, or at least have possibilities. what is so wrong with me? i feel like i've been punched in the chest, it's hard to breathe.