This is the real thing, everyone...
Ok. I always find myself holding back true feelings, even in here. This is supposed to be the one place I can let it all out, right? I guess not, because for the past, like, 6 months or something, I've even put on a front here too. That sucks. So. I'm letting it all out. Put your seatbelts on real tight because this is going to be quite a fucking ride.
Let's start with the fact that I can never sleep. I figured I'd start with that seeing as it's 4:30 in the morning and I'm not sleeping. I think I've got Insomnia real bad like my mom. I never sleep, and can go DAYS without it, until I crash and burn, which is fucking unhealthy. I'll go 5 days either sleeping 5 hours altogether or 5 days with no sleep whatsoever, and be fine, right up until that fifth day, and I just crash. I sleep for like 15 hours and wake up still tired. I can't take much more of that shit. Seriously, it scares me. Sleeping is so good for a person and I'm not doing much of it at all. I should feel awesome about the fact that I don't need something as much as the average person does, but it makes me feel like shit. I enjoy sleeping, but I just lie down and nothing happens. I close my eyes but I can feel my heart beating and thoughts just come rushing into my head and I can't concentrate on concentrating on nothing so I'll find myself singing to myself or staring at the ceiling, and I'm getting sick of it. So, to solve this problem, we are going to make a doctor's appointment. Okay, problem number 1 is solved.
I still can't decide what to do with all that shit at the pool hall, so let's get it all out, and I mean ALL OF IT, and hopefully come to a conclusion at the end of my rant. I hate that place. It fucks with people's heads and changes people. Everyone there claims to HATE drama and gossip, yet the ones who say they hate it the most do it the most. I was the person that told everyone I was totally against talking crap about people behind their backs (In fact, if I disliked someone, I told them. To their face. It was better that way.) and I constantly felt like the babysitter. I'm 18, babysitting 17 - 24 year old's. Real awesome, huh? I've realized a bunch of shit about a lot of people there after thinking about it a few days. Lindsay is THE BIGGEST gossip queen there, and she claims to hate all that. I told Lindz shit that I'd never want repeated because I thought she was different and I could trust her, and I guess not. She doesn't even beleive me, her "best friend", that I did NOT sleep with Mike. That hurts. And Chasity. She's nothing but a follower. She used me to get to where she is at the pool hall, and that hurts too. I was a dumbass to introduce her to Tony and Lindz and Nick, because she got to know them and got to the point where she didn't need to go through me to hang out with them anymore and suddenly, I wasn't important enough to be her friend. Man am I fucking dumb. Tony was the most complicated person there, and, unfortunately, he was the one I picked out of the 30 people there to start something with. Why? I have no idea. Maybe it was the thrill of the chase I knew I'd have. And, beleive me, there was a chase. After awhile, too, it got old and I genuinely wanted to be with him, but his feelings weren't reciprocated, and I got fucked in that deal. But I can't blame anyone for that, it was my own fault on that one. I should have been smarter. Everyone else, including the above mentioned, are people that, once you get to know them, you realize that they aren't the people they say they are. I'm never friends with people like that because if they don't know themselves, how can someone else get to know them? It's pointless to try and get to know someone that doesn't even know him or herself. This entry will remind me to BE CAREFUL OF THAT NEXT TIME. So, I quit going to the pool hall and want nothing to do with any of those people. I feel bad in the back of my mind because I feel like I'm letting some of them down that never had a problem with me, but I guess they are letting me down too. My mother says to just forget them all, and I'm trying, but it's hard. 6 months of my life was spent in that pool hall, getting to know people and letting my guard down, and being nice and doing things for people, and just having a blast, when one rumor caused by someone with a big mouth just screws everything up, and people I thought were my friends suddenly aren't anymore. So I guess I am deciding that I'm going to change my phone number, and totally forget about that 6 months of my life. In no way do I regret those months, because they taught me to BE CAREFUL WHO YOUR FRIENDS ARE, but I am willing to forget they happened and be happy living with the newfound wisdom I got from the whole experience. So, to solve this problem, I'm going to forget about everyone there, and pretend none of that 6 months happened. Problem 2 is solved.
My family is barely holding together. We are falling apart because EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US is hard-headed and stubborn. No one will give in to anyone else, including me, because each of us sees our actions and our ways of thinking as the right way, and everyone else is wrong. My mom is constantly sick, forcing my dad to become Superdad and rampaging the house making sure everything is perfect for her. Okay, I understand that he loves her and wants her to be as comfortable as possible, but the way he treats the rest of the family isn't right. My dad's been on edge lately, work isn't going very well and he's worried about my mom and assuming "Mom Duties" around the house to fill in for her, so to say, as well as making sure bills are paid and that his daughters aren't burning down forests and getting pregnant. I understand that he's got an overfull plate, and I'm willing to help get some of it off, if he'd only let me. That's where the hardheadedness comes in. He won't let anyone else help him because he wants to be Superdad and do it all on his own to make my mother proud. WRONG, Daddy-O, very wrong. You're going to drive yourself into the ground. Let us help. Ang isn't doing things right either. It doesn't help that my parents are behind her and Chuck every inch of the way. At this rate, she's going to be married months after her High School Graduation, and pregnant months after that. If she would have paid attention to my older sister's problem that she has now, she'd understand that she's being dumb and making the wrong decisions. But she's stubborn too. And my parents won't help, they think it's great. I have no one to help me get my sister and best friend back, because I've lost her, and I don't know what to do. My mom told me that Ang's going to ask me to be the Maid-of-Honor at her wedding. I have no idea what I'll say. I don't want to take part in something that is going to fall apart because I never want her to be 25 and getting divorced with 2 kids, saying to me, "Why didn't you warn me? Why didn't you stop me?" But at the same time, I love her, and I want to be there for her, and be in her wedding, and be her kids' Godmother. That's one problem that might need some further thinking. My older sister is back home. Again. The divorce with her and Jay is not going well. She's so happy with Joe (I am totally inverted on that subject, I have no thoughts that I wish to speak aloud on that one...) and she just wants to continue her life with him, and her husband won't let her. She lives either on a mattress in my basement or out of a suitcase in some hotel, and I just want her to find her place and settle down. She's old enough now. I'm worried about her. She's a great woman, she could do such huge things with her life, and she's blind now because of Joe. I don't hate the guy. I just think he should push her to be more, because he's not doing enough to better her, and he should. If he doesn't, I'm going to start. So, I'll solve this one by talking to my parents about everything I'm feeling and trying to spend more time with my sisters. Problem 3 solved.
Now, before I start on this one, babe, I need you to know that this is all completely and utterly true and I need to get it out and in the open and I think it's only fair that you know. First, I have fallen head over heels in love with you. I tried to stop it, honestly, because I was skeptical. I didn't want to love again. But it happened overnight, and I woke up one morning and couldn't wait to see you and I knew. I just knew. You're all I think about and you're the reason I wake up and the reason I get ready and care about how I look. You're the reason for a lot of things. You're my motivation to quit screwing up my life and to get with the fucking program. I'm 18. It's time to grow up and assume responsibility and deal with consequences, and I love you for shoving me in the direction even though you didn't know you did it. But it's not all peaches, and you know it. You're older than me. Way older. Old enough for my parents to freak out when they found out. My mother is not happy. She is NOT happy at all. My dad has no comment. He's not said one word about the ordeal and I know my mother has told him. That scares me more than anything. I really want to make my parents happy, but it always seems like when I'm happy with someone (Like now), they aren't happy with me. There's just a bunch of things standing in the way of the two of us being together, but you make me feel like if we are together, we can scale any problem, big or little. I feel protected in your arms, and I feel beautiful in your presence. The only other problem is that you've got the girlfriend. When I talked to you earlier, you told me what happened when you went by her house the other night, and I'm confused by it. I take it that you guys are stuck in some kind of in-between thing, I guess, and I am stuck with you, because I won't let anything happen between us if I have to share you. This is going to sound bad, but I was hoping you'd call me and tell me that it was over between you and that we can have things how we want them now, but that's not what was said and that's not what's happening yet. I am a very impatient person and I never want to wait, but it's different with you. I feel like you're worth the wait. Just know that I love you, Sweetheart, and I want to wait, just don't hurt me. Please.
And finally, me, myself, and I. I'm in a huge rut. Pile all these problems into that rut and on top of me, plus like 20 more tiny problems, and I'm smothered. I need some air. I need to get away for awhile. I want to go away for a week or two and just not tell anyone where I am, and I just can't do that right now. I can't financially support a decision to do that at the moment, and by the time I get to go and do that, I'll probably have a lot of these problems out of the way. So a trip would be pointless. Maybe. I don't know. I just feel like life is way, way bad right now. The only thing I have to look forward to is the fact that since I beleive it's so bad, it can only get better. I need it to get better. I'm sick of life fucking me over. I need something to go my way, from beginning to end, without any hitches. Just one thing, ANYTHING. So I'm hoping that an opportunity like that will soon come along. SOON.
Wow. That was awesome. My fingers might be totally sore, but my heart feels SO MUCH BETTER! And I'm tired!!!!! Awesome... Maybe a little nap is in order...
One last thing... I love you, Matt Vernon, and I miss you horribly and I can't wait until you get home. I need you to be Inverted with me, because I'm lonely. Come back home soon, safe and sound...
Let's start with the fact that I can never sleep. I figured I'd start with that seeing as it's 4:30 in the morning and I'm not sleeping. I think I've got Insomnia real bad like my mom. I never sleep, and can go DAYS without it, until I crash and burn, which is fucking unhealthy. I'll go 5 days either sleeping 5 hours altogether or 5 days with no sleep whatsoever, and be fine, right up until that fifth day, and I just crash. I sleep for like 15 hours and wake up still tired. I can't take much more of that shit. Seriously, it scares me. Sleeping is so good for a person and I'm not doing much of it at all. I should feel awesome about the fact that I don't need something as much as the average person does, but it makes me feel like shit. I enjoy sleeping, but I just lie down and nothing happens. I close my eyes but I can feel my heart beating and thoughts just come rushing into my head and I can't concentrate on concentrating on nothing so I'll find myself singing to myself or staring at the ceiling, and I'm getting sick of it. So, to solve this problem, we are going to make a doctor's appointment. Okay, problem number 1 is solved.
I still can't decide what to do with all that shit at the pool hall, so let's get it all out, and I mean ALL OF IT, and hopefully come to a conclusion at the end of my rant. I hate that place. It fucks with people's heads and changes people. Everyone there claims to HATE drama and gossip, yet the ones who say they hate it the most do it the most. I was the person that told everyone I was totally against talking crap about people behind their backs (In fact, if I disliked someone, I told them. To their face. It was better that way.) and I constantly felt like the babysitter. I'm 18, babysitting 17 - 24 year old's. Real awesome, huh? I've realized a bunch of shit about a lot of people there after thinking about it a few days. Lindsay is THE BIGGEST gossip queen there, and she claims to hate all that. I told Lindz shit that I'd never want repeated because I thought she was different and I could trust her, and I guess not. She doesn't even beleive me, her "best friend", that I did NOT sleep with Mike. That hurts. And Chasity. She's nothing but a follower. She used me to get to where she is at the pool hall, and that hurts too. I was a dumbass to introduce her to Tony and Lindz and Nick, because she got to know them and got to the point where she didn't need to go through me to hang out with them anymore and suddenly, I wasn't important enough to be her friend. Man am I fucking dumb. Tony was the most complicated person there, and, unfortunately, he was the one I picked out of the 30 people there to start something with. Why? I have no idea. Maybe it was the thrill of the chase I knew I'd have. And, beleive me, there was a chase. After awhile, too, it got old and I genuinely wanted to be with him, but his feelings weren't reciprocated, and I got fucked in that deal. But I can't blame anyone for that, it was my own fault on that one. I should have been smarter. Everyone else, including the above mentioned, are people that, once you get to know them, you realize that they aren't the people they say they are. I'm never friends with people like that because if they don't know themselves, how can someone else get to know them? It's pointless to try and get to know someone that doesn't even know him or herself. This entry will remind me to BE CAREFUL OF THAT NEXT TIME. So, I quit going to the pool hall and want nothing to do with any of those people. I feel bad in the back of my mind because I feel like I'm letting some of them down that never had a problem with me, but I guess they are letting me down too. My mother says to just forget them all, and I'm trying, but it's hard. 6 months of my life was spent in that pool hall, getting to know people and letting my guard down, and being nice and doing things for people, and just having a blast, when one rumor caused by someone with a big mouth just screws everything up, and people I thought were my friends suddenly aren't anymore. So I guess I am deciding that I'm going to change my phone number, and totally forget about that 6 months of my life. In no way do I regret those months, because they taught me to BE CAREFUL WHO YOUR FRIENDS ARE, but I am willing to forget they happened and be happy living with the newfound wisdom I got from the whole experience. So, to solve this problem, I'm going to forget about everyone there, and pretend none of that 6 months happened. Problem 2 is solved.
My family is barely holding together. We are falling apart because EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US is hard-headed and stubborn. No one will give in to anyone else, including me, because each of us sees our actions and our ways of thinking as the right way, and everyone else is wrong. My mom is constantly sick, forcing my dad to become Superdad and rampaging the house making sure everything is perfect for her. Okay, I understand that he loves her and wants her to be as comfortable as possible, but the way he treats the rest of the family isn't right. My dad's been on edge lately, work isn't going very well and he's worried about my mom and assuming "Mom Duties" around the house to fill in for her, so to say, as well as making sure bills are paid and that his daughters aren't burning down forests and getting pregnant. I understand that he's got an overfull plate, and I'm willing to help get some of it off, if he'd only let me. That's where the hardheadedness comes in. He won't let anyone else help him because he wants to be Superdad and do it all on his own to make my mother proud. WRONG, Daddy-O, very wrong. You're going to drive yourself into the ground. Let us help. Ang isn't doing things right either. It doesn't help that my parents are behind her and Chuck every inch of the way. At this rate, she's going to be married months after her High School Graduation, and pregnant months after that. If she would have paid attention to my older sister's problem that she has now, she'd understand that she's being dumb and making the wrong decisions. But she's stubborn too. And my parents won't help, they think it's great. I have no one to help me get my sister and best friend back, because I've lost her, and I don't know what to do. My mom told me that Ang's going to ask me to be the Maid-of-Honor at her wedding. I have no idea what I'll say. I don't want to take part in something that is going to fall apart because I never want her to be 25 and getting divorced with 2 kids, saying to me, "Why didn't you warn me? Why didn't you stop me?" But at the same time, I love her, and I want to be there for her, and be in her wedding, and be her kids' Godmother. That's one problem that might need some further thinking. My older sister is back home. Again. The divorce with her and Jay is not going well. She's so happy with Joe (I am totally inverted on that subject, I have no thoughts that I wish to speak aloud on that one...) and she just wants to continue her life with him, and her husband won't let her. She lives either on a mattress in my basement or out of a suitcase in some hotel, and I just want her to find her place and settle down. She's old enough now. I'm worried about her. She's a great woman, she could do such huge things with her life, and she's blind now because of Joe. I don't hate the guy. I just think he should push her to be more, because he's not doing enough to better her, and he should. If he doesn't, I'm going to start. So, I'll solve this one by talking to my parents about everything I'm feeling and trying to spend more time with my sisters. Problem 3 solved.
Now, before I start on this one, babe, I need you to know that this is all completely and utterly true and I need to get it out and in the open and I think it's only fair that you know. First, I have fallen head over heels in love with you. I tried to stop it, honestly, because I was skeptical. I didn't want to love again. But it happened overnight, and I woke up one morning and couldn't wait to see you and I knew. I just knew. You're all I think about and you're the reason I wake up and the reason I get ready and care about how I look. You're the reason for a lot of things. You're my motivation to quit screwing up my life and to get with the fucking program. I'm 18. It's time to grow up and assume responsibility and deal with consequences, and I love you for shoving me in the direction even though you didn't know you did it. But it's not all peaches, and you know it. You're older than me. Way older. Old enough for my parents to freak out when they found out. My mother is not happy. She is NOT happy at all. My dad has no comment. He's not said one word about the ordeal and I know my mother has told him. That scares me more than anything. I really want to make my parents happy, but it always seems like when I'm happy with someone (Like now), they aren't happy with me. There's just a bunch of things standing in the way of the two of us being together, but you make me feel like if we are together, we can scale any problem, big or little. I feel protected in your arms, and I feel beautiful in your presence. The only other problem is that you've got the girlfriend. When I talked to you earlier, you told me what happened when you went by her house the other night, and I'm confused by it. I take it that you guys are stuck in some kind of in-between thing, I guess, and I am stuck with you, because I won't let anything happen between us if I have to share you. This is going to sound bad, but I was hoping you'd call me and tell me that it was over between you and that we can have things how we want them now, but that's not what was said and that's not what's happening yet. I am a very impatient person and I never want to wait, but it's different with you. I feel like you're worth the wait. Just know that I love you, Sweetheart, and I want to wait, just don't hurt me. Please.
And finally, me, myself, and I. I'm in a huge rut. Pile all these problems into that rut and on top of me, plus like 20 more tiny problems, and I'm smothered. I need some air. I need to get away for awhile. I want to go away for a week or two and just not tell anyone where I am, and I just can't do that right now. I can't financially support a decision to do that at the moment, and by the time I get to go and do that, I'll probably have a lot of these problems out of the way. So a trip would be pointless. Maybe. I don't know. I just feel like life is way, way bad right now. The only thing I have to look forward to is the fact that since I beleive it's so bad, it can only get better. I need it to get better. I'm sick of life fucking me over. I need something to go my way, from beginning to end, without any hitches. Just one thing, ANYTHING. So I'm hoping that an opportunity like that will soon come along. SOON.
Wow. That was awesome. My fingers might be totally sore, but my heart feels SO MUCH BETTER! And I'm tired!!!!! Awesome... Maybe a little nap is in order...
One last thing... I love you, Matt Vernon, and I miss you horribly and I can't wait until you get home. I need you to be Inverted with me, because I'm lonely. Come back home soon, safe and sound...