This Entry Dedicated to Ron White... Even Though He's Still Kickin'...
So, the funniest man (possibly second funniest once I hear more Dane Cook) alive has one of the best opening jokes I've ever heard for when he does stand up on the Blue Collar Comedy Tour. I like to call it "The Plane Crash". And it goes a little something like this:
So the other day, I was sittin' in a beanbag chair, naked, eatin' Cheetos, and I was flippin' through the television there and I saw Robert Tilton. He's a televangelist from Dallas, and he was starin' at me. He says, "Are you... Lonely?" Yea! And he says, "Have you wasted half your life in bars pursuing sins of the flesh?" This guy's gooood! So then he says, "Are you sittin' in a beanbag chair, naked, eatin' Cheetos? :::Pause, surprised facial expression, paired with a VERY high-pitched voice::: YESSIR! He said, "Do you feel the urge to get up and send me $1000?" Close! Thought he was talkin' 'bout me for a second there! So, I almost died last year. Actually, I didn't almost die... In fact, I didn't even get hurt. I was flyin' from Beaumont to Houston because my manager doesn't own a globe. I was on a plane thisbig :::Fingers 2 inches apart:::... Like a pack of gum with 8 people on it. We took off from the Beaumont airport/hair-care/tire center there. We're travelin' at half the speed of smell. We got passed by a kite. There was a goose behind us and the pilot's screamin' "Go 'round!" :::Waves goose around::: We get halfway to Houston and we gotta go back. It's a nine minute flight. Can't handle it with this equipment. We had engine trouble. We lost some oil pressure and they told us over the speaker system of the plane, which was stupid 'cause they coulda just went :::Turns head around::: "Hey, we lost some oil pressure..." Yea! Heardjya! Sure did! It was weird 'cause everybody on the plane was nervous but I'd been drinkin' since lunch and I was like "Take 'er down, I don't care." Ya ever have one of those days? Hit somethin' hard. I don't wanna limp away from this Son-of-a... The guy sittin' next to me is looosin' his miiiind. Apparently, he had A LOT to live for. He's like "Hey man, huh huh hey man hey! If one of these engines fails, how far will the other one take us?" I'm like, "All the way to the scene of the crash, which is pretty handy 'cause that's where we're headed. I bet we beat the paramedics there by a half hour. We're haulin' ass!"
As well as the other men on the Blue Collar Comedy Tour. Some highlights of the Tour DVD:
Larry the Cable Guy:
"Ya'll ever dial one of them 900-Talk-Dirty numbers? Don't call 'em, lemme tell ya, they's a rip off. I got me a girl that stuttered? Cost me $1700.00 on that there right there. So, I went out with this big ole' girl, 'round 400 pounds, but she's from Canada, so that's about 300 American right in there. She was BIG, I had to bring home a Rodeo Clown to distract her when I brung home the groceries. She had a sexy voice though, I'll tell you what, we made love one night, she says to me, "REE WEE WEE WEE!!!" :::Pig Squealing::: Man, I didn't know what to say to that! So the other day, my Buckskin Mare broke her leg, so I had to shoot her. So now she's got a broken leg and a gunshot wound. I don't know what you're s'posed to shoot 'em for. I guess it helps in the healin' process or sum'thin. Ain't better by next week I'll shoot it again, I tell ya that much, GIT-R-DONE!"
Bill Engvall:
"As most ya'll know, my biggest pet peeve in life is I hate stupid people. I think they should have to wear signs that say that they're stupid. And, I was flyin' today, from L.A. to Houston, a direct flight. The guy sittin' next to me goes, "You goin' to Houston?" And I says "No, El Paso, I'll be parachutin' out in 'bout an hour!" Here's your sign. We go to Buffalo and everybody gets their luggage and mine doesn't show up so we go down to the Baggage Claim, where everyone's in SUCH a good mood. Seriously, when you apply to an airline, who goes there and says, "I wanna work in Lost Baggage."? You don't HAVE a good day. So anyway, you'd think the woman would be a little understanding, but she was REALLY SNOTTY. I mean all my clothes is in there, and I said "'Scuse me." And she goes, "Can I help you?" And I said, "Well I hope, I lost my luggage." And she goes, "Has your plane landed yet?" And I go, "No, Peaches, I'm havin' an outta-body experience!" Here's your sign. My son, when he was six years old, he was gonna fly to his grandmother's house from Dallas/Fort Worth to Austin, and I'm puttin' him on the plane and his grandmother's takin' him off, and I'm buyin' the plane ticket, and the lady goes, "Will there be someone there to pick him up when he gets off the plane?" And I said, "Nah, I'm gonna pin a $20 bill to his collar and wish him the BEST of LUCK." Here's your sign.
And some Jeff Foxworthy, bless his soul!:
"If you ever been on TV more than 5 times describing what the tornado sounded like, you might be a redneck. If you've ever cut your grass and found a car, you might be a redneck. If your dad walks you to school because you're in the same grade, you might be a redneck. If someone asks for your I.D. and you show him your belt buckle, you might be a redneck. If you've ever financed a tattoo, you might be a redneck. If you've ever made change in the offering plate, you might be a redneck. If you go to the family reunion to meet women, you might be a redneck. If you open a can of beer at a eulogy - :::Ron proceeds to get up and drunkenly stagger to an imaginary casket with an imaginary beer in his hand and says, "Momma's lookin' good, ain't she?" Bill follows, looks in the "casket", pauses, and then says, "Uh-huh... Wait, that ain't Momma." Larry then comes, looks into the "casket", and says, "Aww, yes it is, they just shaved her beard off!"::: - you might be a redneck!
FUNNY SHIT!! Just got done watching the DVD, and I can say almost every word. I love it. So fuckin' funny. So this is what I have been doing for 3 hours, so I'm finally tired. ENJOY, and HOLLER!
So the other day, I was sittin' in a beanbag chair, naked, eatin' Cheetos, and I was flippin' through the television there and I saw Robert Tilton. He's a televangelist from Dallas, and he was starin' at me. He says, "Are you... Lonely?" Yea! And he says, "Have you wasted half your life in bars pursuing sins of the flesh?" This guy's gooood! So then he says, "Are you sittin' in a beanbag chair, naked, eatin' Cheetos? :::Pause, surprised facial expression, paired with a VERY high-pitched voice::: YESSIR! He said, "Do you feel the urge to get up and send me $1000?" Close! Thought he was talkin' 'bout me for a second there! So, I almost died last year. Actually, I didn't almost die... In fact, I didn't even get hurt. I was flyin' from Beaumont to Houston because my manager doesn't own a globe. I was on a plane thisbig :::Fingers 2 inches apart:::... Like a pack of gum with 8 people on it. We took off from the Beaumont airport/hair-care/tire center there. We're travelin' at half the speed of smell. We got passed by a kite. There was a goose behind us and the pilot's screamin' "Go 'round!" :::Waves goose around::: We get halfway to Houston and we gotta go back. It's a nine minute flight. Can't handle it with this equipment. We had engine trouble. We lost some oil pressure and they told us over the speaker system of the plane, which was stupid 'cause they coulda just went :::Turns head around::: "Hey, we lost some oil pressure..." Yea! Heardjya! Sure did! It was weird 'cause everybody on the plane was nervous but I'd been drinkin' since lunch and I was like "Take 'er down, I don't care." Ya ever have one of those days? Hit somethin' hard. I don't wanna limp away from this Son-of-a... The guy sittin' next to me is looosin' his miiiind. Apparently, he had A LOT to live for. He's like "Hey man, huh huh hey man hey! If one of these engines fails, how far will the other one take us?" I'm like, "All the way to the scene of the crash, which is pretty handy 'cause that's where we're headed. I bet we beat the paramedics there by a half hour. We're haulin' ass!"
As well as the other men on the Blue Collar Comedy Tour. Some highlights of the Tour DVD:
Larry the Cable Guy:
"Ya'll ever dial one of them 900-Talk-Dirty numbers? Don't call 'em, lemme tell ya, they's a rip off. I got me a girl that stuttered? Cost me $1700.00 on that there right there. So, I went out with this big ole' girl, 'round 400 pounds, but she's from Canada, so that's about 300 American right in there. She was BIG, I had to bring home a Rodeo Clown to distract her when I brung home the groceries. She had a sexy voice though, I'll tell you what, we made love one night, she says to me, "REE WEE WEE WEE!!!" :::Pig Squealing::: Man, I didn't know what to say to that! So the other day, my Buckskin Mare broke her leg, so I had to shoot her. So now she's got a broken leg and a gunshot wound. I don't know what you're s'posed to shoot 'em for. I guess it helps in the healin' process or sum'thin. Ain't better by next week I'll shoot it again, I tell ya that much, GIT-R-DONE!"
Bill Engvall:
"As most ya'll know, my biggest pet peeve in life is I hate stupid people. I think they should have to wear signs that say that they're stupid. And, I was flyin' today, from L.A. to Houston, a direct flight. The guy sittin' next to me goes, "You goin' to Houston?" And I says "No, El Paso, I'll be parachutin' out in 'bout an hour!" Here's your sign. We go to Buffalo and everybody gets their luggage and mine doesn't show up so we go down to the Baggage Claim, where everyone's in SUCH a good mood. Seriously, when you apply to an airline, who goes there and says, "I wanna work in Lost Baggage."? You don't HAVE a good day. So anyway, you'd think the woman would be a little understanding, but she was REALLY SNOTTY. I mean all my clothes is in there, and I said "'Scuse me." And she goes, "Can I help you?" And I said, "Well I hope, I lost my luggage." And she goes, "Has your plane landed yet?" And I go, "No, Peaches, I'm havin' an outta-body experience!" Here's your sign. My son, when he was six years old, he was gonna fly to his grandmother's house from Dallas/Fort Worth to Austin, and I'm puttin' him on the plane and his grandmother's takin' him off, and I'm buyin' the plane ticket, and the lady goes, "Will there be someone there to pick him up when he gets off the plane?" And I said, "Nah, I'm gonna pin a $20 bill to his collar and wish him the BEST of LUCK." Here's your sign.
And some Jeff Foxworthy, bless his soul!:
"If you ever been on TV more than 5 times describing what the tornado sounded like, you might be a redneck. If you've ever cut your grass and found a car, you might be a redneck. If your dad walks you to school because you're in the same grade, you might be a redneck. If someone asks for your I.D. and you show him your belt buckle, you might be a redneck. If you've ever financed a tattoo, you might be a redneck. If you've ever made change in the offering plate, you might be a redneck. If you go to the family reunion to meet women, you might be a redneck. If you open a can of beer at a eulogy - :::Ron proceeds to get up and drunkenly stagger to an imaginary casket with an imaginary beer in his hand and says, "Momma's lookin' good, ain't she?" Bill follows, looks in the "casket", pauses, and then says, "Uh-huh... Wait, that ain't Momma." Larry then comes, looks into the "casket", and says, "Aww, yes it is, they just shaved her beard off!"::: - you might be a redneck!
FUNNY SHIT!! Just got done watching the DVD, and I can say almost every word. I love it. So fuckin' funny. So this is what I have been doing for 3 hours, so I'm finally tired. ENJOY, and HOLLER!