a day to die in the sun
I had such a good day today. I went to Heritage Park today in Mission (a city right next to Abbotsford to which I can take local transit). I went there to work on my story, to remember, and to reach for more closure. I met a cool chick on the bus (Hi Laurel if you're reading this) and she thought it was cool what I was doing. I kinda laugh cuz sometimes I'm just so 'romantic' (in my sense of the word of just wanting everything to be beautiful). And this other guy on the bus overheard a poem I was reading to Laurel and thought it was good. So he really encouraged me too. I felt like a real writer today. It was so encouraging! Also, Carissa, my roomie, was watching a movie about the poet Sylvia Plath before I left ("Slyvia") and it showed how even she struggled when she was beginning to write. It's good to know that even the big poets had hard starts.
And I just had such a great time in the park, reading over old journals about James, working through my feelings, and even having a good laugh at the different way I looked at things back then.
After I got home, I went for dinner and watched a movie with friends, and then had a good talk with my friend Lexi. It was mostly such a good day cuz this last weekend was one of the most insanely overly-emotional times I've had in years. Crazy! So I passed out some apologies today and all is good with everyone. Yay.
Maybe my life is coming together after all.
Oh, and here's the kinda poem-like thing I wrote today:
My heart doesn't want to stay inside me today
so I will go and sacrifice myself to the sun;
go and lie down in the place where he and I
ate sandwiches with cheese and tomatoes cut by a plastic knife.
There I will join the ground, where I first realized that my love for you was not superficial or emotional or conditional- it was you;
the place where I thought I finally had you,
I finally had you all to myself.
I finally had that one perfect romantic spontaneous picturesk day with someone I loved who gave me his full attention.
I finally had my fairytale dream, my movie-worthy true love story.
And after that, I stopped striving. I stopped longing for deeper. I stopped trying to make you stay.
So you left.
So I'll sacrifice myself to that same sun today and I'll let it swallow me whole. Because in that moment I was made happy. And since that moment, I have never dared to ask for more.
Suzanne N
April 25, 2005
And the irony of it all? I was reading my journals and April 24th was exactly 5 years to the day that we had that picnic. And I didn't realized that until I got home today.
And I just had such a great time in the park, reading over old journals about James, working through my feelings, and even having a good laugh at the different way I looked at things back then.
After I got home, I went for dinner and watched a movie with friends, and then had a good talk with my friend Lexi. It was mostly such a good day cuz this last weekend was one of the most insanely overly-emotional times I've had in years. Crazy! So I passed out some apologies today and all is good with everyone. Yay.
Maybe my life is coming together after all.
Oh, and here's the kinda poem-like thing I wrote today:
My heart doesn't want to stay inside me today
so I will go and sacrifice myself to the sun;
go and lie down in the place where he and I
ate sandwiches with cheese and tomatoes cut by a plastic knife.
There I will join the ground, where I first realized that my love for you was not superficial or emotional or conditional- it was you;
the place where I thought I finally had you,
I finally had you all to myself.
I finally had that one perfect romantic spontaneous picturesk day with someone I loved who gave me his full attention.
I finally had my fairytale dream, my movie-worthy true love story.
And after that, I stopped striving. I stopped longing for deeper. I stopped trying to make you stay.
So you left.
So I'll sacrifice myself to that same sun today and I'll let it swallow me whole. Because in that moment I was made happy. And since that moment, I have never dared to ask for more.
Suzanne N
April 25, 2005
And the irony of it all? I was reading my journals and April 24th was exactly 5 years to the day that we had that picnic. And I didn't realized that until I got home today.