An Entry About Food and Diet 3: Body Image
Continued...
Hopefully, this has not been too disjointed a read. If you're still with me, trust me. This does come together.
If it is disjointed, well maybe I am still in the process of putting the pieces together.
Anyway, like I said the initial search could have gone in a very bad direction. Instead, it lead to a new level of self honesty and introspection.
Healthy Body. Healthy Mind.
I found some very good articles on About.com about body image and diet.
Some of it can be applied to other areas of your life.
http://exercise.about.com/cs/exercisehealth/a/negativethinkin.htm
This paragraph immediately caught my interest and made me think.
"I'm a Loser - Many of us equate self-worth with success. Losing weight means we're good, failing to lose weight means we're bad. If you feel like a failure all the time, it's almost inevitable that you will fail. Remember: what you look like is just one aspect of who you are. Learning to focus on who you are and not just what your body looks like takes practice. You can start by exploring your body image and learn ways to improve it."
Hmmm. Sound familiar? For me, it isn't weight. But pretty much everything else (not just body related) And if I had problems with weight, I would feel that way about it too. When I do feel fat, (feel) I do feel like shit. There are clothes I can not fit into during that time of the month sometimes. I have some pants I bought during that time of month once, and they never fit right again after that. I can get that much bigger.
I can not blame myself for thinking maybe I needed to fast or eat a special diet.
"I Have the Wrong Body - Have you ever looked at someone and wondered, "Why can't I look like that person?" Mat Luebbers, About's Swimming Guide, offers some excellent advice in his article, Self-Esteem and Confidence: "[y]our abilities are unique (as are those of every human being)...and cannot truly be compared to others." We all have a certain body shape and that shape may not conform to the current definition of "perfect." Instead of tearing yourself down, boost your own ego by focusing on your strengths and on the things you love about your body."
ALL. THE. TIME.
Just because I am skinny, does not mean that I am not allowed to feel this way.
I can not admire other girls or have a girl crush without dying a little, (sometimes a lot) inside. I ache.
Why can't I be beautiful like her?
When I had a girl crush on that blue eyed Asian girl at work, I always felt like she was so much cooler than me. I felt like such a boring dorky loser. It did not help that I had the whole puppy eyed school boy thing going on. I could hardly talk to her, and not trip over my tongue.
I liked her, but at the same time, she had the "not a girl" effect on me.
That is usually the angry nasty side of the coin.
Instead of wondering why I can't be beautiful like her, I feel like now that she walked in, I am not even a girl. I don't know what I am, but it sure is NOT a girl anymore.
Obviously, not all men, women or people are generalized and the same. But I still feel that way. As if I suddenly fell out of the female section of the human population. Somehow I've become null and voided.
Maybe it is some sort of girl version of worrying about someone being more of a man than me. But it isn't always a case of feeling inferior to say a super model type.
Different kinds of women can randomly set it off. But I admit,those types do it the most, because I know I have become sexually invisible. And no, it does not matter if there is someone around or not. But God help me if there IS.
This raging insecurity actually affects the quality of my life, and can determine whether or not I will go certain places. It makes me a much less social and friendly person. It brings out the worst of me.
I actually think "not a girl" syndrome is being borrowed and used as a defense mechanism. It is activated to protect me from myself.
How can I compete and compare myself to something I'm not?
I'm not an apple.
Hell, I am not even an orange.
I have removed myself from the binary for the moment.
Feeling like I can't relate and don't count, can feel a lot better than feeling inadequate and out classed.
However, it can also make me slightly less human, and maybe a little more dangerous. If I no longer relate to them as the same species. I am literally something else, if I am not feeling my male side. I am just an alienated void, that still wants the things I have disqualified myself from.
A lonely feral outsider.
This is NOT the basis of my gender issues.
But they are being used, like any other part of you can be, as defense mechanisms.
Strangely enough, I never really thought of these as body issues. Though that is exactly what they are.
I still remember the moment I realized that I could take myself out of the game. It was like an epiphany.
You don't have to play.
At the time, I could not take another ego bashing. Women were my worst enemy other than myself. I realized, I could stop putting my own neurotic weapons of mass destruction in their hands. And attacking myself with them. Fine, I'll leave you to your little game. I'm done.
If I am not playing, I can not lose.
If I don't care, it won't hurt.
Over time, I learned to use my gender issues to my advantage. I learned to dissociate from first women, then the entire situation.
Feeling gender neutral does not always feel like being an IT. It isn't always a bad thing. It's the middle of the genderfluid dial. Almost a default setting. I can just default to it, and it is an easy way to not think about or deal with things.
It can feel safe.
Until someone disturbs it.
By referring to me as the pro-noun.
By noticing me. That way.
If I am in the wrong mood, that kind of attention feels threatening and offensive.
What are you looking at. I'm supposed to be invisible.
I don't know what you are attracted TO or what you SEE.
There goes blending into the background.
Thanks.
Now I feel all, seen.
The other day, I caught myself playing a new game on top of the invisible mindset called "I don't see you."
But I realized, that unlike my dreams, I am not invisible and viewing the world from a safe, dissociated, God's eye perspective.
People can see me, and they can see that I am not "seeing" them.
I can not just become the prey that disappeared by scattering myself at sub molecular level.
Suddenly everywhere and nowhere all at the same time.
Pretending I don't see you, isn't going to make you or me disappear.
And it isn't going to make things any less threatening.
I need to think about why sometimes being acknowledged, seen and noticed feels so threatening to begin with.
I'm surprised that I am not one of those faceless latex figures. ;^/
Though I admit, I find those black faceless "Banksy" sex masks, really sexy. I wonder how see through they are. ;^?
Anyway, it isn't just other women that I compare myself to.
Naturally, I compare my weak feminine physique to males.
And my dumb, clumsy human one to cats'.
Continued...
Hopefully, this has not been too disjointed a read. If you're still with me, trust me. This does come together.
If it is disjointed, well maybe I am still in the process of putting the pieces together.
Anyway, like I said the initial search could have gone in a very bad direction. Instead, it lead to a new level of self honesty and introspection.
Healthy Body. Healthy Mind.
I found some very good articles on About.com about body image and diet.
Some of it can be applied to other areas of your life.
http://exercise.about.com/cs/exercisehealth/a/negativethinkin.htm
This paragraph immediately caught my interest and made me think.
"I'm a Loser - Many of us equate self-worth with success. Losing weight means we're good, failing to lose weight means we're bad. If you feel like a failure all the time, it's almost inevitable that you will fail. Remember: what you look like is just one aspect of who you are. Learning to focus on who you are and not just what your body looks like takes practice. You can start by exploring your body image and learn ways to improve it."
Hmmm. Sound familiar? For me, it isn't weight. But pretty much everything else (not just body related) And if I had problems with weight, I would feel that way about it too. When I do feel fat, (feel) I do feel like shit. There are clothes I can not fit into during that time of the month sometimes. I have some pants I bought during that time of month once, and they never fit right again after that. I can get that much bigger.
I can not blame myself for thinking maybe I needed to fast or eat a special diet.
"I Have the Wrong Body - Have you ever looked at someone and wondered, "Why can't I look like that person?" Mat Luebbers, About's Swimming Guide, offers some excellent advice in his article, Self-Esteem and Confidence: "[y]our abilities are unique (as are those of every human being)...and cannot truly be compared to others." We all have a certain body shape and that shape may not conform to the current definition of "perfect." Instead of tearing yourself down, boost your own ego by focusing on your strengths and on the things you love about your body."
ALL. THE. TIME.
Just because I am skinny, does not mean that I am not allowed to feel this way.
I can not admire other girls or have a girl crush without dying a little, (sometimes a lot) inside. I ache.
Why can't I be beautiful like her?
When I had a girl crush on that blue eyed Asian girl at work, I always felt like she was so much cooler than me. I felt like such a boring dorky loser. It did not help that I had the whole puppy eyed school boy thing going on. I could hardly talk to her, and not trip over my tongue.
I liked her, but at the same time, she had the "not a girl" effect on me.
That is usually the angry nasty side of the coin.
Instead of wondering why I can't be beautiful like her, I feel like now that she walked in, I am not even a girl. I don't know what I am, but it sure is NOT a girl anymore.
Obviously, not all men, women or people are generalized and the same. But I still feel that way. As if I suddenly fell out of the female section of the human population. Somehow I've become null and voided.
Maybe it is some sort of girl version of worrying about someone being more of a man than me. But it isn't always a case of feeling inferior to say a super model type.
Different kinds of women can randomly set it off. But I admit,those types do it the most, because I know I have become sexually invisible. And no, it does not matter if there is someone around or not. But God help me if there IS.
This raging insecurity actually affects the quality of my life, and can determine whether or not I will go certain places. It makes me a much less social and friendly person. It brings out the worst of me.
I actually think "not a girl" syndrome is being borrowed and used as a defense mechanism. It is activated to protect me from myself.
How can I compete and compare myself to something I'm not?
I'm not an apple.
Hell, I am not even an orange.
I have removed myself from the binary for the moment.
Feeling like I can't relate and don't count, can feel a lot better than feeling inadequate and out classed.
However, it can also make me slightly less human, and maybe a little more dangerous. If I no longer relate to them as the same species. I am literally something else, if I am not feeling my male side. I am just an alienated void, that still wants the things I have disqualified myself from.
A lonely feral outsider.
This is NOT the basis of my gender issues.
But they are being used, like any other part of you can be, as defense mechanisms.
Strangely enough, I never really thought of these as body issues. Though that is exactly what they are.
I still remember the moment I realized that I could take myself out of the game. It was like an epiphany.
You don't have to play.
At the time, I could not take another ego bashing. Women were my worst enemy other than myself. I realized, I could stop putting my own neurotic weapons of mass destruction in their hands. And attacking myself with them. Fine, I'll leave you to your little game. I'm done.
If I am not playing, I can not lose.
If I don't care, it won't hurt.
Over time, I learned to use my gender issues to my advantage. I learned to dissociate from first women, then the entire situation.
Feeling gender neutral does not always feel like being an IT. It isn't always a bad thing. It's the middle of the genderfluid dial. Almost a default setting. I can just default to it, and it is an easy way to not think about or deal with things.
It can feel safe.
Until someone disturbs it.
By referring to me as the pro-noun.
By noticing me. That way.
If I am in the wrong mood, that kind of attention feels threatening and offensive.
What are you looking at. I'm supposed to be invisible.
I don't know what you are attracted TO or what you SEE.
There goes blending into the background.
Thanks.
Now I feel all, seen.
The other day, I caught myself playing a new game on top of the invisible mindset called "I don't see you."
But I realized, that unlike my dreams, I am not invisible and viewing the world from a safe, dissociated, God's eye perspective.
People can see me, and they can see that I am not "seeing" them.
I can not just become the prey that disappeared by scattering myself at sub molecular level.
Suddenly everywhere and nowhere all at the same time.
Pretending I don't see you, isn't going to make you or me disappear.
And it isn't going to make things any less threatening.
I need to think about why sometimes being acknowledged, seen and noticed feels so threatening to begin with.
I'm surprised that I am not one of those faceless latex figures. ;^/
Though I admit, I find those black faceless "Banksy" sex masks, really sexy. I wonder how see through they are. ;^?
Anyway, it isn't just other women that I compare myself to.
Naturally, I compare my weak feminine physique to males.
And my dumb, clumsy human one to cats'.
Continued...