Mirror mirror on the wall, who is the sparkliest one of all.
So New Moon is finally upon us. I had planned to go see it this weekend with one of my Twihard friends but luckily real life has intervened so Edward and his sparkly self have been put on hold until further notice.
However this reminds me of the time that I promised my friends that I would try and read Twilight and send them my thoughts on it. Well, I tried. I managed about five chapters. I've dug up my old emails, have a look.
If you like Twilight do not read this. You will hate me.
OK, it has to be said, the cover's for twilight are gorgeous - they are, in fact, the kind of cover that otherwise might tempt me to buy a book - yes, I have been known to buy a book solely because it had a pretty picture in front.
heh... bible quote at the beginning which is suitably ominous and forboding - of course I know what the book is about so it falls a bit flat. It's like what has this apple got to do with anything? I mean ok, forbidden fruit, whatevs - but is Edward the apple? Is Bella? What has 'the knowledge of good and evil' got to do with anything? Will this symbolism be explained
later?
I bet this is going to end up like Death Note where the creators threw it buttloads of Christian symbolism, crosses, apples, etc and then were like yeah, we just thought they looked cool but even if they were an unintentional metaphor in Death Note, the symbolism works in Death Note. I don't have very high hopes here but who knows.
Preface: meh.
Chapter 1: First Sight.
So Bella's goin off to live with her Dad in Forks. Lala
Wow. When I first tried to read this thing I remembered that I disliked Bella but somehow missed her mother. Page 1 and I'm starting to see where Bella gets it from, It looks like she's letting her teenage daughter look after her for along time and now she has a someone else to take care of her it's like ok now, eff off.
OK I'm being harsh but :
"I'll see you soon," she insisted. "You can come home whenever you want - I'll come right
back as soon as you need me." But I could see the sacrifice in her eyes behind the promise.
Sacrifice? This is your daughter ... how can you... I don't even want to know. Of course this could just be Bella being up herself thinking the world will stop spinning without her, IDK. Well, hopefully I wont have to spend much time with Renee.
Aw, Charlie's all excited.
I wasn't allowed to call him Charlie to his face.
Erm... why would you want to? Brat.
So on the drive home we discover that Chalie has bought her a truck.
"You didn't need to do that, Dad. I was going to buy myself a car."
How? Are teenagers in America usually able to buy their own cars? Because, damn, I missed out. Didn't she just talk about 'scarcity of funds' and how her and her Mom both pooling their resources had still not been enough for a sizable Forks-suitable wardrobe?
I never looked a free truck in the mouth - or engine.
What does that even mean? Yeah yeah, never look a gift horse in the mouth - never look a free truck in the engine - I'm aware of the metaphor. I'm just saying in this context it makes no sense. Would she know what she was looking for?
Bella gets home, describes her new room, angsts about her new school.
I would be the new girl from the big city, a curiosity, a freak.
She doesn't seem that interesting to me.
But ok, I can understand this. Is pretty standard for a teenage girl.... or a not so teenage girl... to feel anxious about wanting to fit in etc.
Her Mom painted the cabinets yellow? Yellow? Ugh! That clinches it - the woman is insane... or maybe that's just me. *does not like yellow*
School-tiem!
Bella notes that her colouring will not stand out here... Hee! I wonder if people back in pheonix thought she was a wannabe goth or something.
The reading list is 'It was fairly basic: Bronte, Shakespeare, Chaucer, Faulkner. I'd already read everything. That was comforting… and boring.'
Brat.
She's pretty mean about Eric, the overly helpful chess-club kid. In some ways I expect this because he is not HAWT and SEXY but I'd just be grateful to have someone be nice to me.
"My mother is part albino."
He studied my face apprehensively, and I sighed. It looked like clouds and a sense of humor didn't mix.
No, honey. It's because that wasn't funny.
There was always someone braver than the others who would introduce themselves and ask me
questions about how I was liking Forks.
Braver? What is with this girl? Why should people be apprehensive of her?
Does she have a second head or something?
So Bella goes to lunch with some girl who she has sat next to for two classes and she still cant remember her name. That is Bella can't remember the girl's name. I'm sure the girl can remember her own name and Bella's name. Because Bella is so interesting and freakish ZOMG that everyone cannot possibly forget who she is - what with her second head and all.
Then Bella sees TEH CULLENS and they are so beautiful. So beautiful that words are not enough... and yet she uses so many to describe them. And the most beautiful is Edward, I suppose. IDK, I think my eyes glazed over by the time I got to him.
Then we go to Biology and Bella has to sit next to Edward but what is this? He gives her HATEFUL looks of HATE throughout the class! Why so serious, Edward? Bella's hair smells like strawberries.
Some other kid walks Bella to gym. strangely Bella is not repulsed by him, I wonder if this is because Edward's HATRED, but I think it is more that Mike is "cute". Trufax - it's in the text. Oh well, I suppose if someone is nice, helpful and admiring it is only sincere if they too are cute, otherwise they are just sad losers.
Bella, has to stop by reception after gym and lo, Edward is there too,trying to switch the one class he has with Bella. He looks at her with BEAUTIFUL but HATE filled eyes. IDK, Bells maybe he is repulsed by your second head.
Bella's first day of school ends as well as this chapter. It has been a horrible,horrible day - what with losers trying to be nice to her and the beautiful Edward hating her. She leaves fighting tears... knowing that although this day is over she must go back tomorrow and do this again.
I understand, Bella. I feel your pain. Although this chapter is over I must go back to the books and do this again.
*sob*
OK. This was strangely not as bad as the first time I read it. At least I feel I can read the second chapter. I think I gave up at this point the first time. The film scores points over the books so far because I don't have to listen to Bella's thoughts all the time. Also the bit at the beginning was better done in the film. And the kid playing Jacob was adorable in a I want to pinch your cheeks and baby talk to you way. Ooos a cute widdle werewoof, den? I think this is related to how I have to scream PUPPY! every time I see a cute dog. But yeah.
To be fair, Bella's thoughts probably are realistic thoughts for a teenage girl which is probably why so many of them love this book. Who wouldn't want to go to a new school, have a bunch of people want to be nice to you and have this fantastically beautiful dude glare at you with HATE. Well, maybe not that last one but we all know where this is going.
Also RPattz! is a briliant Edward! His look of hate was less of the smouldering-passinate-one-step-away-from-love-emo-glare HATE and more nauseated-zomg-i-am-going-to-hurl-HELP! And it was brilliant.
Chapter 2: Open Book.
More school.
It was miserable because I had to play volleyball, and the one time I didn't cringe out of the way of the ball, I hit my teammate in the head with it.
Oh God, this was me at sports... I feel your pain, Bella. I'm not even being funny this time. I feel like I wan't to take her out, buy her a coke and tell her to hang in there for a couple of years and then she will never have to play sports again.
Edward is not there. Bella's second head freaked him out too much. Woe.
It was ridiculous, and egotistical, to think that I could affect anyone that strongly.
You said it honey, not me.
Yay! CULLENS! They are so beautiful, yo. They drive a Volvo. I remembered that in the film Edward drives this boring looking car so I goggle imaged one and found a boring car. Then I google image-d 'Edward Cullen Volvo' and found this :
Hee! He looks so happy and so high on crack. I'll say one thing, this book is certainly increasing my love for RPattz!
La la ... Bella goes shopping... answers emails from her mom... Oh God, I hate this woman... how does she even get out of bed without tripping over the bedpost...
Bella is reading Wuthering Heights. I have a copy of that. I should read it at some point.
Charlie's home! He has a gun.
I guess he considered me old enough now not to shoot myself by accident, and not depressed enough to shoot myself on purpose.
Heh, ok that was pretty funny.
We learn that Renee likes doing unspeakable things to ingredients and then passes it off as cooking. I'm not surprised.
So Bella and Charlie chat about the CULLENS! when bella mentions they don't seem to fit in, Charlie gets angry about people talking smack about the good Doctor and his wife because THE CULLENS! are so awsome. Charlie angry! CHARLIE SMASH!
Oh yeah, and Doc Cullen is so beautiful. The nurses all love him. Little do the fools know that their efforts are in vain. Nothing shall come between the pure sweet love of Doc Cullen and Charlie... wait, no... I mean his wife... yeah totally his wife.
The days pass. Still no Edward. Woe.
Yay! It's snowing! Bella has never seen snow before and she has so much fun throwing snowballs and building snowmen... No, wait... this is Bella. Of course she turns her nose up at the snow. Ugh! Snow - all q-tip-like and wet and not at all beautiful and unique like Edward.
Seriously? This is the first time she's ever seen snow and her reaction is 'Ew!'. What is wrong with this girl?
Anyway it's snowing and all the other plebes are having fun with it. How plebian. Bella goes to have lunch and WTF! It's Edward! Oh yay...uh ... no... Bella feels sick. Heh... even THE CULLENS! can have fun in the snow.
La la.... Edward is staring at Bella, Bella's friend is staring at Edward... we go to Biology - yay! the rain is come to wash away all that nasty snow.
ZOMG! Edward talks to her. With his melodious voice and dazzling face. He must have decided that just because Bella has a second head that doesn't mean she isn't a person.
Yay! Mitosis! er... I mean... Edward's hands are cold but when they touch it's like a spark (Oooh I got chills, they're electrifying!) Even his handwriting is beautiful.
Oi! Edwards eye's have changed colour.
Tra la. Edward interrogates her for a while and learns about her life. He then comes up with this gem :
"You put on a good show," he said slowly. "But I'd be willing to bet that you're suffering more than you let anyone see."
Edward understaaaands her.
He smiled widely, flashing a set of perfect, ultrawhite teeth. All I can think about is that episode in Friends when Ross gets his teeth whitened and leaves the gel on for too long.
PS: Edward is beautiful. And tense. His electric hands are clenched.
La la. We talk to Mike, play Volleyball. Edward is watching Bella in the parking lot near his Volvo. Some car almost hits her car. Edward is laughing as she passes his Volvo. The End.
You know every time I type Volvo... I think vulva... *shifty eyes*.... and it is a boring car for Edward anyway. Surely he should be driving IDK, I know next to nothing about cars ... anyway I'm sick of talking about the Volvo so it shall henseforth be known as THE PUSSY WAGON.
Chapter 3: Phenomenon (Do do do do do)
Next morning. Yay! It's been snowing.. oh no... Bella doesn't like snow...so... Woe. It's been snowing. Bella is excited because she will see Edward. She wonders why Mike and Eric are in love with her. In pheonix everyone was put off by her second head. Well, you know what they say Bells, There is a kink for everything ... and I mean everything. See, Rule 34.
There's black ice. In my mind Black Ice always conjures up images of ... yano.. demonic ice or something. Like Back Christmas or Black Sheep or something... it sounds a lot more dramatic than it really is. I mean it can be pretty nasty being ice you can't actually see but I feel like it should be some evil entity actively out to kill people. Heh... Black Ice would probably be a really good Batman villain. (Adam West batman, not Christian Bale Batman)
Where there is snow there is... BLACK ICE... dun, dun dun!
Aww, Charlie got up early to put chains on her tyres.... this is so sweet that even Bella is caught up by the emotion...
Waah theres a car out of control and it's gonna hit Bella, Jeez Charlie, look what you did. Edward is there but too far away... Wham something has hit Bella but not in the way she was expecting and -
A low oath made me aware that someone was with me, and the voice was impossible not to
recognize.
ZOMG! It's Edward! OH HAI!
Heh... for some reason I find the term"A low oath" incredibly amusing. IDK why. I want to think that he said "Oh shitfucking cocksucking assballs!" ... cos that would be hilarious.
Anyway he does some vampire!ninja stuff and puts a dent in the car and saves her. Edward is worried. Bella wants to know how he got there so fast.
And then they found us, a crowd of people with tears streaming down their faces, shouting at
each other, shouting at us.
Aww, poor things, they're sad that the van did notcrush Bella or at least her mutant second head. Yeah, no... they're prolly just worried or summat.
Then we have an argument about whether Edward was right next to her when he saved her or far away. If I was Edward I'd just leave. I mean she's ok now. What are the chances she'd zget into further trouble?
They go to hospital Bella is like ZOMG so embarrassed.
To make matters worse, Chief Swan arrived before they could get me safely away.
Chief Swan? Jeez, isn't this her father? Charlie was bad enough, but Chief Swan? Brat.
La la hospital, lala kid in other car that was out of control and is now dented is guilty liek woah and keeps apologising, lala Edward has a musical voice and brilliant teeth. Edward, stop abusing the tooth bleach, do you want them to glow in the dark? DO YOU?
Oh here's Doc Cullen. And he is 'handsomer than any movie star' with a 'remarkably attractive voice'.
Most of the school is in the waiting room. I want to make a remark how thats unlikely but unfortunately it is true. I know at my school we'd have done the same - even if we had no idea who or why someone was in hospital, if someone had to be taken away in an ambulance, we would have followed. Mainly because we were curious and morbid little freaks, but whatever.
Oh god, we have to go through Bella demanding to know how Edward can move so fast and is super strong and him putting her off intercut with descriptiong of Edwards beauty. I particularly like this : - I was in danger of being distracted by his livid, glorious face. It was like trying to stare down a destroying angel.
Oh please.
Anyway Edward leaves in a huff which he should have done as soon as he'd saved her but i guess he couldn't because of his TRULUV or something.
Bella is mad at Charlie because he told her Mom, well of course he did Bella, at least one person in your family isn't a complete fucktard.
Bella finds it easy to resist her Mom's pleas to go home because she is consumed and obsessed with Edward. Blah.
Yanno, the film did all this much better. And heh, RPAttz acting all intense and werid during these scenes was pure genius. So far Book 0. Film 3. RPattz Eleventy.
Oh yeah - Bella dreams her first dream of Edward as this chapter closes so I guess we get to hear about it in the next chapter.
Dang it, you mean I have to keep listening to her thoughts even when she's asleep?
And... first dream? So .... there's m-more than one of them?
Curse you, SMayer! Curse you!
Chapter 4: Intuition
You are not a special unique snowflake. You are the all-singing, all-dancing crap of the world - Tyler Durden
This chapter makes me want to both laugh and hit something. My intuition tells me that I'm going to get this a lot from this saga - oh god, it's a saga, why did I ever agree to read a saga.
Edward is glowing in Bella's dream. It's the tooth-bleach, I tell you. Edward, this is an intervention. STEP AWAY FROM THE TOOTH-BLEACH!
She's chasing him but can't catch up. Hmm... I've had that dream... it was not fun... and symptomatic of a dysfunctional co-dependent, mutually obsessive relationship. Take it from me girl, he's not worth it. Get out, get out now while you still have the time. RUN AWAY!
Bella is a minor celebrity for a wek. So far so highschool, but at mine the kerfuffle would have died down after about a day. Like pftt, it's not like she even broke anything.
The kid who almost hit her is following her around because he is guilt-ridden. His name is Tyler something. I'm gonna call him Tyler Durden. Oh come on Tyler, Bella has just had a 'near-life' experience. Besides she now can obsess even more about Edward. No-one pays any attention to Edward or THE CULLENS! Edward ignores Bella.
There is going to be a beach trip. Which is mentioned like once and then theres some sort of Sadie Hawkins dance thing where the girls get to ask the boys. And Mike, Eric and Tyler Durden ask Bella to go with them. Oh God, Tyler Durden, strap on a pair. Just because you nearly killed her does not mean you have to be in love with her too. (I feel like I should cut
Tyler some slack because I can sort of unsderstand a messed up type of love coming from guilt but seriously every boy Bella comes in contact with falls in love with her. Maybe Tyler just wants to fit in. Don't conform to the crowd Tyler Durden. Sticking feathers up your butt does not make you a chicken... or something. )
Bella gets out of going to the dance with the Tyler Durden and the rest of Project Mayhem by deciding to go to Seattle and pairing them off with other people.
Edward is being weirder than usual. To wit -
Day after Accident.
Bella: OH HAI EDWARD
Edward: *is aloof*
Later
Bella: *pines*
Edwards:*ignores*
Mike:wangoballwime?
Bella: No
Edward: *stares intensely*
Bella: Shudders
Edward: I am going to talk to you but I am not talking to you.
Bella: What?
Edward: STAY AWAY FROM ME!
Bella: What?
Edward: BUT NEVER THINK THAT I REGRET YOUR CONTINUED EXISTENCE FOR ONE MINUTE
Bella:... thanks?
Edward: You're welcome *flounce*
Eric: Hey Bella -
Bella: No.
Edward: *smirk*
PUSSY WAGON: Blocks like a blocking thing
Tyler Durden: So as a question of etiquette: as I pass do I give you the ass or the crotch?
Bella: What?
Tyler: You gonna ask me to the dance or what?
Bella: ... No
Tyler: Sooner or later you will give in. No-one can resist the power of Tyler Durden.
I could feel the shock on my face.
She could feel the shock on her face? I... I got nothin.
Oh yeah, Edward is beautiful and perfect and smexy. Natch.
Edward: Boom Baby!
Bella: Aaargh!
Edward: So, I heard you liek Seattle.
Bella: So?
Edward: Me too. Carpool, with me baby. Don't you wanna save the planet?
Bella: s'none of your beeswax
Edward: The wasting of finite resourses is everyones business.
I'm not making that last one up. Edward that's just lame. Then he starts talking about how they really shouldn't be friends and it would be better for her to STF away. At this point the correct response is to reach for the pepper spray, but Bella is overpowered by the glorious ntenseness of Edwards eyes and his smouldering voice and agree to go with him anyway and
then Edward GTFOs and this chapter ends.
Seriously? Some people think that RPattz is not the perfect Edward?
Bah... it wasn't this boring in the film. I don't even remember this from the film... so maybe it was there but just so boring that I fell asleep.
Points: book 0, Film 4. RPattz Eleventy hundred.
Chapter Five: Blood Type
Bella's dazed for most of the morning. It's been a while since I had time to look at this and so I forgot why and thought she was just stoned or something. But no, it's because of her encounter with Ed last chapter.
Geez, Bella sure is hard on Jessica with her 'babbling'. Bit hypocritical of you, Bella.
Edward wants to eat lunch with Bella, He is beautiful, yo.
"Well…" He paused, and then the rest of the words followed in a rush. "I decided as long as I was going to hell, I might as well do it thoroughly."
I waited for him to say something that made sense.
I'm waiting for this book to say something that makes sense. Edward is tired of staying away from her. So he wont. Even though if she should stay away from me. Serious Edward is serious with serious ocher eyes. I looked up ocher to see what shade of yellow it was exactly and found this definition: fibrotic lung disease of ocher workers caused by the chronic inhalation of iron and silica dust.
Bwahahahaha! I like this much better. Edward's eyes are the colour of lung disease. His crooked smile is breathtaking.
Oh god, they have a tedious conversation that I suspect is meant to be witty banter or something. But it's just boring. Edward wants to hear Bella's theories about him:
He looked down, and then glanced up at me through his long black lashes, his ocher eyes
scorching.
"Please?" he breathed, leaning toward me.
I blinked, my mind going blank. Holy crow, how did he do that?
Holy crow? Are you serious? Haha from now on I am using 'Holy Crow' whenever possible. Edward's eyes are still smouldering.
Scorching, smouldering... Eddie, you know you can get eye drops for that.
"Um, well, bitten by a radioactive spider?" Was he a hypnotist, too? Or was I just a hopeless
pushover?
Well, you're certainly hopeless.
"What if I'm not a superhero? What if I'm the bad guy?" He smiled playfully, but his eyes were impenetrable.
Oh, plot? NO He's dangerous but not bad... Bella can feel it, yo. God please let this conversation end. Bella goes to biology, Edward doesn't.
I was lucky; Mr. Banner wasn't in the room yet when I arrived. I settled quickly into my seat, aware that both Mike and Angela were staring at me. Mike looked resentful; Angela looked
surprised, and slightly awed.
Oh please.
Meh, they're doing blood tests today.Bella feels faint and hyperventillates or something. Mike volunteers to take her to the nurse. Yeah, Oh Hai so the sight of blood makes you feel faint so lets sent the kid who's bleeding to look after you.I know that Mike is all in luurve with Bella and love makes you stupid but surely the teacher should know better. Is this the FIRST TIME he has taken this class? THIS BOOK IS FULL OF IDIOTS!
Edward shows up and decides to take over.
"I'll take her," Edward said. I could hear the smile still in his voice. "You can go back to class."
"No," Mike protested. "I'm supposed to do it."
Oh grow up Mike. Edward picks her up and runs off.
"So you faint at the sight of blood?" he asked. This seemed to entertain him.
I didn't answer. I closed my eyes again and fought the nausea with all my strength, clamping my lips together.
"And not even your own blood," he continued, enjoying himself.
How does that even make any sense? Edward, she's a girl . If she fainted at the sight of her own blood it would make her periods really difficult. Just saying.
We get to the hospital, Bella lies down.
"You scared me for a minute there," he admitted after a pause. His tone made it sound like he
was confessing a humiliating weakness. "I thought Newton was dragging your dead body off to bury it in the woods."
Oh, if only Edward, if only.
They chat for a while and then Mike brings in some other dude. What? Is Mike on ambulance duty or something? Edward tell Bella to GTFO, quickly.
I spun and caught the door before it closed, darting out of the infirmary. I could feel Edward right behind me.
"You actually listened to me." He was stunned.
"I smelled the blood," I said, wrinkling my nose. Lee wasn't sick from watching other people,
like me.
"People can't smell blood," he contradicted.
"Well, I can - that's what makes me sick. It smells like rust… and salt."
OK, this is just STUPID. It implies that Lee is ill because he can't stop bleeding. Which means that he has a clotting problem. Surely, he WOULD KNOW THIS. I defy anyone to get to the age of sixteen, in fact get to the age of three without falling over and cutting yourself. Is Lee stupid? Like too stupid to live that he decided to do it anyway? And even if this kid is that dumb why doesn't the school know. If you have this sort of problem surely the school should be notified that you have one so that if he does fall over and skin his knee they know to keep an eye on him/send him to hospital. Is the teacher a complete tool. Shouldn't you warn your pupils??? If you have any medical issues please dont be an idiot. Arrgh!
DOES NOT COMPUTE.
THIS ENTIRE TOWN IS FULL OF IDIOTS.
Oh and Edward, people can too smell blood. I can smell blood. Not like from accross the room or anything but I can. MAYBE I AN A SPECIAL SNOWFLAKE LIKE BELLA, TOO!!! LOLOLOL, I CAN HAS A SPARKLY VAMPIRE OF MY OWN Y/Y?
That's all I read. and you can tell how much of a geek I am because of what made me stop. Not the sparkly vampire. Not the kind of abusive relationship going on. Not Bella's vapid thoughts. SCIENCE AND RESEARCH FAIL.
(Should I try and read more? Does it get better? Or do you just want to read more about Tyler Durden, Edward's addiction to tooth-bleach and the PUSSY WAGON?)
However this reminds me of the time that I promised my friends that I would try and read Twilight and send them my thoughts on it. Well, I tried. I managed about five chapters. I've dug up my old emails, have a look.
If you like Twilight do not read this. You will hate me.
OK, it has to be said, the cover's for twilight are gorgeous - they are, in fact, the kind of cover that otherwise might tempt me to buy a book - yes, I have been known to buy a book solely because it had a pretty picture in front.
heh... bible quote at the beginning which is suitably ominous and forboding - of course I know what the book is about so it falls a bit flat. It's like what has this apple got to do with anything? I mean ok, forbidden fruit, whatevs - but is Edward the apple? Is Bella? What has 'the knowledge of good and evil' got to do with anything? Will this symbolism be explained
later?
I bet this is going to end up like Death Note where the creators threw it buttloads of Christian symbolism, crosses, apples, etc and then were like yeah, we just thought they looked cool but even if they were an unintentional metaphor in Death Note, the symbolism works in Death Note. I don't have very high hopes here but who knows.
Preface: meh.
Chapter 1: First Sight.
So Bella's goin off to live with her Dad in Forks. Lala
Wow. When I first tried to read this thing I remembered that I disliked Bella but somehow missed her mother. Page 1 and I'm starting to see where Bella gets it from, It looks like she's letting her teenage daughter look after her for along time and now she has a someone else to take care of her it's like ok now, eff off.
OK I'm being harsh but :
"I'll see you soon," she insisted. "You can come home whenever you want - I'll come right
back as soon as you need me." But I could see the sacrifice in her eyes behind the promise.
Sacrifice? This is your daughter ... how can you... I don't even want to know. Of course this could just be Bella being up herself thinking the world will stop spinning without her, IDK. Well, hopefully I wont have to spend much time with Renee.
Aw, Charlie's all excited.
I wasn't allowed to call him Charlie to his face.
Erm... why would you want to? Brat.
So on the drive home we discover that Chalie has bought her a truck.
"You didn't need to do that, Dad. I was going to buy myself a car."
How? Are teenagers in America usually able to buy their own cars? Because, damn, I missed out. Didn't she just talk about 'scarcity of funds' and how her and her Mom both pooling their resources had still not been enough for a sizable Forks-suitable wardrobe?
I never looked a free truck in the mouth - or engine.
What does that even mean? Yeah yeah, never look a gift horse in the mouth - never look a free truck in the engine - I'm aware of the metaphor. I'm just saying in this context it makes no sense. Would she know what she was looking for?
Bella gets home, describes her new room, angsts about her new school.
I would be the new girl from the big city, a curiosity, a freak.
She doesn't seem that interesting to me.
But ok, I can understand this. Is pretty standard for a teenage girl.... or a not so teenage girl... to feel anxious about wanting to fit in etc.
Her Mom painted the cabinets yellow? Yellow? Ugh! That clinches it - the woman is insane... or maybe that's just me. *does not like yellow*
School-tiem!
Bella notes that her colouring will not stand out here... Hee! I wonder if people back in pheonix thought she was a wannabe goth or something.
The reading list is 'It was fairly basic: Bronte, Shakespeare, Chaucer, Faulkner. I'd already read everything. That was comforting… and boring.'
Brat.
She's pretty mean about Eric, the overly helpful chess-club kid. In some ways I expect this because he is not HAWT and SEXY but I'd just be grateful to have someone be nice to me.
"My mother is part albino."
He studied my face apprehensively, and I sighed. It looked like clouds and a sense of humor didn't mix.
No, honey. It's because that wasn't funny.
There was always someone braver than the others who would introduce themselves and ask me
questions about how I was liking Forks.
Braver? What is with this girl? Why should people be apprehensive of her?
Does she have a second head or something?
So Bella goes to lunch with some girl who she has sat next to for two classes and she still cant remember her name. That is Bella can't remember the girl's name. I'm sure the girl can remember her own name and Bella's name. Because Bella is so interesting and freakish ZOMG that everyone cannot possibly forget who she is - what with her second head and all.
Then Bella sees TEH CULLENS and they are so beautiful. So beautiful that words are not enough... and yet she uses so many to describe them. And the most beautiful is Edward, I suppose. IDK, I think my eyes glazed over by the time I got to him.
Then we go to Biology and Bella has to sit next to Edward but what is this? He gives her HATEFUL looks of HATE throughout the class! Why so serious, Edward? Bella's hair smells like strawberries.
Some other kid walks Bella to gym. strangely Bella is not repulsed by him, I wonder if this is because Edward's HATRED, but I think it is more that Mike is "cute". Trufax - it's in the text. Oh well, I suppose if someone is nice, helpful and admiring it is only sincere if they too are cute, otherwise they are just sad losers.
Bella, has to stop by reception after gym and lo, Edward is there too,trying to switch the one class he has with Bella. He looks at her with BEAUTIFUL but HATE filled eyes. IDK, Bells maybe he is repulsed by your second head.
Bella's first day of school ends as well as this chapter. It has been a horrible,horrible day - what with losers trying to be nice to her and the beautiful Edward hating her. She leaves fighting tears... knowing that although this day is over she must go back tomorrow and do this again.
I understand, Bella. I feel your pain. Although this chapter is over I must go back to the books and do this again.
*sob*
OK. This was strangely not as bad as the first time I read it. At least I feel I can read the second chapter. I think I gave up at this point the first time. The film scores points over the books so far because I don't have to listen to Bella's thoughts all the time. Also the bit at the beginning was better done in the film. And the kid playing Jacob was adorable in a I want to pinch your cheeks and baby talk to you way. Ooos a cute widdle werewoof, den? I think this is related to how I have to scream PUPPY! every time I see a cute dog. But yeah.
To be fair, Bella's thoughts probably are realistic thoughts for a teenage girl which is probably why so many of them love this book. Who wouldn't want to go to a new school, have a bunch of people want to be nice to you and have this fantastically beautiful dude glare at you with HATE. Well, maybe not that last one but we all know where this is going.
Also RPattz! is a briliant Edward! His look of hate was less of the smouldering-passinate-one-step-away-from-love-emo-glare HATE and more nauseated-zomg-i-am-going-to-hurl-HELP! And it was brilliant.
Chapter 2: Open Book.
More school.
It was miserable because I had to play volleyball, and the one time I didn't cringe out of the way of the ball, I hit my teammate in the head with it.
Oh God, this was me at sports... I feel your pain, Bella. I'm not even being funny this time. I feel like I wan't to take her out, buy her a coke and tell her to hang in there for a couple of years and then she will never have to play sports again.
Edward is not there. Bella's second head freaked him out too much. Woe.
It was ridiculous, and egotistical, to think that I could affect anyone that strongly.
You said it honey, not me.
Yay! CULLENS! They are so beautiful, yo. They drive a Volvo. I remembered that in the film Edward drives this boring looking car so I goggle imaged one and found a boring car. Then I google image-d 'Edward Cullen Volvo' and found this :
Hee! He looks so happy and so high on crack. I'll say one thing, this book is certainly increasing my love for RPattz!
La la ... Bella goes shopping... answers emails from her mom... Oh God, I hate this woman... how does she even get out of bed without tripping over the bedpost...
Bella is reading Wuthering Heights. I have a copy of that. I should read it at some point.
Charlie's home! He has a gun.
I guess he considered me old enough now not to shoot myself by accident, and not depressed enough to shoot myself on purpose.
Heh, ok that was pretty funny.
We learn that Renee likes doing unspeakable things to ingredients and then passes it off as cooking. I'm not surprised.
So Bella and Charlie chat about the CULLENS! when bella mentions they don't seem to fit in, Charlie gets angry about people talking smack about the good Doctor and his wife because THE CULLENS! are so awsome. Charlie angry! CHARLIE SMASH!
Oh yeah, and Doc Cullen is so beautiful. The nurses all love him. Little do the fools know that their efforts are in vain. Nothing shall come between the pure sweet love of Doc Cullen and Charlie... wait, no... I mean his wife... yeah totally his wife.
The days pass. Still no Edward. Woe.
Yay! It's snowing! Bella has never seen snow before and she has so much fun throwing snowballs and building snowmen... No, wait... this is Bella. Of course she turns her nose up at the snow. Ugh! Snow - all q-tip-like and wet and not at all beautiful and unique like Edward.
Seriously? This is the first time she's ever seen snow and her reaction is 'Ew!'. What is wrong with this girl?
Anyway it's snowing and all the other plebes are having fun with it. How plebian. Bella goes to have lunch and WTF! It's Edward! Oh yay...uh ... no... Bella feels sick. Heh... even THE CULLENS! can have fun in the snow.
La la.... Edward is staring at Bella, Bella's friend is staring at Edward... we go to Biology - yay! the rain is come to wash away all that nasty snow.
ZOMG! Edward talks to her. With his melodious voice and dazzling face. He must have decided that just because Bella has a second head that doesn't mean she isn't a person.
Yay! Mitosis! er... I mean... Edward's hands are cold but when they touch it's like a spark (Oooh I got chills, they're electrifying!) Even his handwriting is beautiful.
Oi! Edwards eye's have changed colour.
Tra la. Edward interrogates her for a while and learns about her life. He then comes up with this gem :
"You put on a good show," he said slowly. "But I'd be willing to bet that you're suffering more than you let anyone see."
Edward understaaaands her.
He smiled widely, flashing a set of perfect, ultrawhite teeth. All I can think about is that episode in Friends when Ross gets his teeth whitened and leaves the gel on for too long.
PS: Edward is beautiful. And tense. His electric hands are clenched.
La la. We talk to Mike, play Volleyball. Edward is watching Bella in the parking lot near his Volvo. Some car almost hits her car. Edward is laughing as she passes his Volvo. The End.
You know every time I type Volvo... I think vulva... *shifty eyes*.... and it is a boring car for Edward anyway. Surely he should be driving IDK, I know next to nothing about cars ... anyway I'm sick of talking about the Volvo so it shall henseforth be known as THE PUSSY WAGON.
Chapter 3: Phenomenon (Do do do do do)
Next morning. Yay! It's been snowing.. oh no... Bella doesn't like snow...so... Woe. It's been snowing. Bella is excited because she will see Edward. She wonders why Mike and Eric are in love with her. In pheonix everyone was put off by her second head. Well, you know what they say Bells, There is a kink for everything ... and I mean everything. See, Rule 34.
There's black ice. In my mind Black Ice always conjures up images of ... yano.. demonic ice or something. Like Back Christmas or Black Sheep or something... it sounds a lot more dramatic than it really is. I mean it can be pretty nasty being ice you can't actually see but I feel like it should be some evil entity actively out to kill people. Heh... Black Ice would probably be a really good Batman villain. (Adam West batman, not Christian Bale Batman)
Where there is snow there is... BLACK ICE... dun, dun dun!
Aww, Charlie got up early to put chains on her tyres.... this is so sweet that even Bella is caught up by the emotion...
Waah theres a car out of control and it's gonna hit Bella, Jeez Charlie, look what you did. Edward is there but too far away... Wham something has hit Bella but not in the way she was expecting and -
A low oath made me aware that someone was with me, and the voice was impossible not to
recognize.
ZOMG! It's Edward! OH HAI!
Heh... for some reason I find the term"A low oath" incredibly amusing. IDK why. I want to think that he said "Oh shitfucking cocksucking assballs!" ... cos that would be hilarious.
Anyway he does some vampire!ninja stuff and puts a dent in the car and saves her. Edward is worried. Bella wants to know how he got there so fast.
And then they found us, a crowd of people with tears streaming down their faces, shouting at
each other, shouting at us.
Aww, poor things, they're sad that the van did notcrush Bella or at least her mutant second head. Yeah, no... they're prolly just worried or summat.
Then we have an argument about whether Edward was right next to her when he saved her or far away. If I was Edward I'd just leave. I mean she's ok now. What are the chances she'd zget into further trouble?
They go to hospital Bella is like ZOMG so embarrassed.
To make matters worse, Chief Swan arrived before they could get me safely away.
Chief Swan? Jeez, isn't this her father? Charlie was bad enough, but Chief Swan? Brat.
La la hospital, lala kid in other car that was out of control and is now dented is guilty liek woah and keeps apologising, lala Edward has a musical voice and brilliant teeth. Edward, stop abusing the tooth bleach, do you want them to glow in the dark? DO YOU?
Oh here's Doc Cullen. And he is 'handsomer than any movie star' with a 'remarkably attractive voice'.
Most of the school is in the waiting room. I want to make a remark how thats unlikely but unfortunately it is true. I know at my school we'd have done the same - even if we had no idea who or why someone was in hospital, if someone had to be taken away in an ambulance, we would have followed. Mainly because we were curious and morbid little freaks, but whatever.
Oh god, we have to go through Bella demanding to know how Edward can move so fast and is super strong and him putting her off intercut with descriptiong of Edwards beauty. I particularly like this : - I was in danger of being distracted by his livid, glorious face. It was like trying to stare down a destroying angel.
Oh please.
Anyway Edward leaves in a huff which he should have done as soon as he'd saved her but i guess he couldn't because of his TRULUV or something.
Bella is mad at Charlie because he told her Mom, well of course he did Bella, at least one person in your family isn't a complete fucktard.
Bella finds it easy to resist her Mom's pleas to go home because she is consumed and obsessed with Edward. Blah.
Yanno, the film did all this much better. And heh, RPAttz acting all intense and werid during these scenes was pure genius. So far Book 0. Film 3. RPattz Eleventy.
Oh yeah - Bella dreams her first dream of Edward as this chapter closes so I guess we get to hear about it in the next chapter.
Dang it, you mean I have to keep listening to her thoughts even when she's asleep?
And... first dream? So .... there's m-more than one of them?
Curse you, SMayer! Curse you!
Chapter 4: Intuition
You are not a special unique snowflake. You are the all-singing, all-dancing crap of the world - Tyler Durden
This chapter makes me want to both laugh and hit something. My intuition tells me that I'm going to get this a lot from this saga - oh god, it's a saga, why did I ever agree to read a saga.
Edward is glowing in Bella's dream. It's the tooth-bleach, I tell you. Edward, this is an intervention. STEP AWAY FROM THE TOOTH-BLEACH!
She's chasing him but can't catch up. Hmm... I've had that dream... it was not fun... and symptomatic of a dysfunctional co-dependent, mutually obsessive relationship. Take it from me girl, he's not worth it. Get out, get out now while you still have the time. RUN AWAY!
Bella is a minor celebrity for a wek. So far so highschool, but at mine the kerfuffle would have died down after about a day. Like pftt, it's not like she even broke anything.
The kid who almost hit her is following her around because he is guilt-ridden. His name is Tyler something. I'm gonna call him Tyler Durden. Oh come on Tyler, Bella has just had a 'near-life' experience. Besides she now can obsess even more about Edward. No-one pays any attention to Edward or THE CULLENS! Edward ignores Bella.
There is going to be a beach trip. Which is mentioned like once and then theres some sort of Sadie Hawkins dance thing where the girls get to ask the boys. And Mike, Eric and Tyler Durden ask Bella to go with them. Oh God, Tyler Durden, strap on a pair. Just because you nearly killed her does not mean you have to be in love with her too. (I feel like I should cut
Tyler some slack because I can sort of unsderstand a messed up type of love coming from guilt but seriously every boy Bella comes in contact with falls in love with her. Maybe Tyler just wants to fit in. Don't conform to the crowd Tyler Durden. Sticking feathers up your butt does not make you a chicken... or something. )
Bella gets out of going to the dance with the Tyler Durden and the rest of Project Mayhem by deciding to go to Seattle and pairing them off with other people.
Edward is being weirder than usual. To wit -
Day after Accident.
Bella: OH HAI EDWARD
Edward: *is aloof*
Later
Bella: *pines*
Edwards:*ignores*
Mike:wangoballwime?
Bella: No
Edward: *stares intensely*
Bella: Shudders
Edward: I am going to talk to you but I am not talking to you.
Bella: What?
Edward: STAY AWAY FROM ME!
Bella: What?
Edward: BUT NEVER THINK THAT I REGRET YOUR CONTINUED EXISTENCE FOR ONE MINUTE
Bella:... thanks?
Edward: You're welcome *flounce*
Eric: Hey Bella -
Bella: No.
Edward: *smirk*
PUSSY WAGON: Blocks like a blocking thing
Tyler Durden: So as a question of etiquette: as I pass do I give you the ass or the crotch?
Bella: What?
Tyler: You gonna ask me to the dance or what?
Bella: ... No
Tyler: Sooner or later you will give in. No-one can resist the power of Tyler Durden.
I could feel the shock on my face.
She could feel the shock on her face? I... I got nothin.
Oh yeah, Edward is beautiful and perfect and smexy. Natch.
Edward: Boom Baby!
Bella: Aaargh!
Edward: So, I heard you liek Seattle.
Bella: So?
Edward: Me too. Carpool, with me baby. Don't you wanna save the planet?
Bella: s'none of your beeswax
Edward: The wasting of finite resourses is everyones business.
I'm not making that last one up. Edward that's just lame. Then he starts talking about how they really shouldn't be friends and it would be better for her to STF away. At this point the correct response is to reach for the pepper spray, but Bella is overpowered by the glorious ntenseness of Edwards eyes and his smouldering voice and agree to go with him anyway and
then Edward GTFOs and this chapter ends.
Seriously? Some people think that RPattz is not the perfect Edward?
Bah... it wasn't this boring in the film. I don't even remember this from the film... so maybe it was there but just so boring that I fell asleep.
Points: book 0, Film 4. RPattz Eleventy hundred.
Chapter Five: Blood Type
Bella's dazed for most of the morning. It's been a while since I had time to look at this and so I forgot why and thought she was just stoned or something. But no, it's because of her encounter with Ed last chapter.
Geez, Bella sure is hard on Jessica with her 'babbling'. Bit hypocritical of you, Bella.
Edward wants to eat lunch with Bella, He is beautiful, yo.
"Well…" He paused, and then the rest of the words followed in a rush. "I decided as long as I was going to hell, I might as well do it thoroughly."
I waited for him to say something that made sense.
I'm waiting for this book to say something that makes sense. Edward is tired of staying away from her. So he wont. Even though if she should stay away from me. Serious Edward is serious with serious ocher eyes. I looked up ocher to see what shade of yellow it was exactly and found this definition: fibrotic lung disease of ocher workers caused by the chronic inhalation of iron and silica dust.
Bwahahahaha! I like this much better. Edward's eyes are the colour of lung disease. His crooked smile is breathtaking.
Oh god, they have a tedious conversation that I suspect is meant to be witty banter or something. But it's just boring. Edward wants to hear Bella's theories about him:
He looked down, and then glanced up at me through his long black lashes, his ocher eyes
scorching.
"Please?" he breathed, leaning toward me.
I blinked, my mind going blank. Holy crow, how did he do that?
Holy crow? Are you serious? Haha from now on I am using 'Holy Crow' whenever possible. Edward's eyes are still smouldering.
Scorching, smouldering... Eddie, you know you can get eye drops for that.
"Um, well, bitten by a radioactive spider?" Was he a hypnotist, too? Or was I just a hopeless
pushover?
Well, you're certainly hopeless.
"What if I'm not a superhero? What if I'm the bad guy?" He smiled playfully, but his eyes were impenetrable.
Oh, plot? NO He's dangerous but not bad... Bella can feel it, yo. God please let this conversation end. Bella goes to biology, Edward doesn't.
I was lucky; Mr. Banner wasn't in the room yet when I arrived. I settled quickly into my seat, aware that both Mike and Angela were staring at me. Mike looked resentful; Angela looked
surprised, and slightly awed.
Oh please.
Meh, they're doing blood tests today.Bella feels faint and hyperventillates or something. Mike volunteers to take her to the nurse. Yeah, Oh Hai so the sight of blood makes you feel faint so lets sent the kid who's bleeding to look after you.I know that Mike is all in luurve with Bella and love makes you stupid but surely the teacher should know better. Is this the FIRST TIME he has taken this class? THIS BOOK IS FULL OF IDIOTS!
Edward shows up and decides to take over.
"I'll take her," Edward said. I could hear the smile still in his voice. "You can go back to class."
"No," Mike protested. "I'm supposed to do it."
Oh grow up Mike. Edward picks her up and runs off.
"So you faint at the sight of blood?" he asked. This seemed to entertain him.
I didn't answer. I closed my eyes again and fought the nausea with all my strength, clamping my lips together.
"And not even your own blood," he continued, enjoying himself.
How does that even make any sense? Edward, she's a girl . If she fainted at the sight of her own blood it would make her periods really difficult. Just saying.
We get to the hospital, Bella lies down.
"You scared me for a minute there," he admitted after a pause. His tone made it sound like he
was confessing a humiliating weakness. "I thought Newton was dragging your dead body off to bury it in the woods."
Oh, if only Edward, if only.
They chat for a while and then Mike brings in some other dude. What? Is Mike on ambulance duty or something? Edward tell Bella to GTFO, quickly.
I spun and caught the door before it closed, darting out of the infirmary. I could feel Edward right behind me.
"You actually listened to me." He was stunned.
"I smelled the blood," I said, wrinkling my nose. Lee wasn't sick from watching other people,
like me.
"People can't smell blood," he contradicted.
"Well, I can - that's what makes me sick. It smells like rust… and salt."
OK, this is just STUPID. It implies that Lee is ill because he can't stop bleeding. Which means that he has a clotting problem. Surely, he WOULD KNOW THIS. I defy anyone to get to the age of sixteen, in fact get to the age of three without falling over and cutting yourself. Is Lee stupid? Like too stupid to live that he decided to do it anyway? And even if this kid is that dumb why doesn't the school know. If you have this sort of problem surely the school should be notified that you have one so that if he does fall over and skin his knee they know to keep an eye on him/send him to hospital. Is the teacher a complete tool. Shouldn't you warn your pupils??? If you have any medical issues please dont be an idiot. Arrgh!
DOES NOT COMPUTE.
THIS ENTIRE TOWN IS FULL OF IDIOTS.
Oh and Edward, people can too smell blood. I can smell blood. Not like from accross the room or anything but I can. MAYBE I AN A SPECIAL SNOWFLAKE LIKE BELLA, TOO!!! LOLOLOL, I CAN HAS A SPARKLY VAMPIRE OF MY OWN Y/Y?
That's all I read. and you can tell how much of a geek I am because of what made me stop. Not the sparkly vampire. Not the kind of abusive relationship going on. Not Bella's vapid thoughts. SCIENCE AND RESEARCH FAIL.
(Should I try and read more? Does it get better? Or do you just want to read more about Tyler Durden, Edward's addiction to tooth-bleach and the PUSSY WAGON?)