you say you know what you did, but you idiot kid, you haven't a clue
trying to eat sucks. majorly, extremely. i feel beyond fat, i hate my body, i want to lose weight, ive been eating, for john, but tonight i threw up and i feel soo good now that im empty and i only wish i could be tiny and skinny and empty always, i wish it were easier and didnt hurt so unbearably much. im going to the day program on monday. wish me luck. its really scary, but im kinda relieved because i need a massive amount of intense therapy, and an escape. everytime i think i've hit rock bottom, i sometimes figure out a whole new level of low. letting pedophiles touch me for oxycontin. who have i become. this isnt who i used to be, this isnt who i am. who am i anymore.
practiced with the band today, made me feel hopeful, we had an amazing photoshoot, i had some pretty sick ideas. i cant wait to see those pictures. i love my band, the guys are awsome, they always got my back. especially right now when im suffering so.
recovery from my ed is so impossible, its something that would take a lifetime and i feel like full recovery is a myth, its like disregarding everything that has been my life so far and learning to live a different way, but i cant forget those thoughts and i cant ignore those feelings. the voice of my anorexic self has so much power in my mind, it overpowers all other voices of reason. it reigns supreme in my world. its a dictator i would die for, i hang on its every word, worship it like a god. thank it for showing me that with pain and discipline i can have the fragile body ive dreamed of. when i am skinny enough, i feel like i will be graceful and beautiful and light, my body will have a sharp bony structure, my legs will fold easily with nothing between them. my clothes will fit better. pedophiles wont want to rape me anymore.
johns been talking to me again, hes not mad at me anymore, hes really proud im trying to get help. i dont wanna fix my ed though, its such a big part of me, but i dont want to lie to him about it, but i just might have to. im such an asshole
im so happy johns been talking to me, i realllly miss him, i want to see him and i think he wants to see me too
rik from anime con wants to see me tomorrow, im planing on going, im gonna do my very best not to have sex, i wanna be a good girl for my baby. i dont want to fuck up this time, i want to be with this one, is that too ambitious?
use me, I'm beautiful
take me, I'm yours
hurt me, it feels like medicine
and all I deserve
I don't need money
or strangers to love me
I could be happy
with someone to trust
someone to love
^thats for him.
practiced with the band today, made me feel hopeful, we had an amazing photoshoot, i had some pretty sick ideas. i cant wait to see those pictures. i love my band, the guys are awsome, they always got my back. especially right now when im suffering so.
recovery from my ed is so impossible, its something that would take a lifetime and i feel like full recovery is a myth, its like disregarding everything that has been my life so far and learning to live a different way, but i cant forget those thoughts and i cant ignore those feelings. the voice of my anorexic self has so much power in my mind, it overpowers all other voices of reason. it reigns supreme in my world. its a dictator i would die for, i hang on its every word, worship it like a god. thank it for showing me that with pain and discipline i can have the fragile body ive dreamed of. when i am skinny enough, i feel like i will be graceful and beautiful and light, my body will have a sharp bony structure, my legs will fold easily with nothing between them. my clothes will fit better. pedophiles wont want to rape me anymore.
johns been talking to me again, hes not mad at me anymore, hes really proud im trying to get help. i dont wanna fix my ed though, its such a big part of me, but i dont want to lie to him about it, but i just might have to. im such an asshole
im so happy johns been talking to me, i realllly miss him, i want to see him and i think he wants to see me too
rik from anime con wants to see me tomorrow, im planing on going, im gonna do my very best not to have sex, i wanna be a good girl for my baby. i dont want to fuck up this time, i want to be with this one, is that too ambitious?
use me, I'm beautiful
take me, I'm yours
hurt me, it feels like medicine
and all I deserve
I don't need money
or strangers to love me
I could be happy
with someone to trust
someone to love
^thats for him.