my love is a life taker
so this weekend i was missing for like 8 hours, i came home sometime in the morning drunk and high and i didnt get punished at all, the worst of what happend was just my dad not forgiving me for it because he thought i was dead, but thats about it. i feel bad for mom though, shes kinda been giving up on me, which is nice for me, but i feel bad i have broken her down so much. shes absolutely crazy though, so fighting with her all the time is reasonable. its not even that im just saying that, she worries me sometimes, like really seriously i get scared for her. i went to a party with robbie and coral and mike stone, we got high and i got very drunk, with a weight in double digits and a lowwww tolerance i was very messed up, it took me 1 beer to get drunk. i kept drinking and smoking through out the night so i was constantly in the same state of disoriented fuckedupness. robbies friend started hitting on me, which i liked but i didnt want to do anything, i was there with robbie and i like robbie alot though i dont love him and he sure as hell doesnt love me, im hardly sure he likes me. but he basicly told his friend he could do whatever he wanted with me. i kept saying no and trying to pull away, i didnt like the way he was grabbing me, i dont like to feel like that, i started feeling almost suffocated, not mentally but literally, i really dont like boys pulling me and trying to take advantage of me, it brings things up, it bothers me alot. i made out with a venezuelan exchanged student, he was hot and realllllly romantic but i knew he was just trying to get in my pants, which im sure he would have if i hadnt felt bad for robbie. i dont know if i regret leaving the other guy to sit with robbie who was verrrry drunk and feeling sick. sometimes i feel like im glad i went to him sometimes i dont. he doenst give a damn, i think he likes coral, i dont blame him, i like coral. shes so cute, i used my drunkenness as an excuse to hug her alot. i hate liking girls that wont like me back. i want to mean something to robbie, im just kinda something he likes to play with, something he can leave if he finds a shinier newer better toy to play with. i think its just that we are both kinda lonely, no one likes to be alone, but we dont like eachother, i think we wish we did but we dont. someone else will come along soon, for both of us and we will leave eachother without a second thought. its inevitable. i think he only likes me when hes drunk or high, thats the only time he really holds me and kisses me. the rest of the time i feel like he doesnt really care. i dont like being the one that cares more. i guess i can try to act like i dont more but im afraid of losing this whatever the fuck we have too soon. i like it right now, i want it around to fill some voids.
other then that, ive been feeling terrible. i got the blues something awful. moms been threatening me with hospitals, and right now i wouldnt mind going and leaving the world for a while. i feel like im going into crisis. which is what the hospital calls it when your in a mental state that needs hospitalization. i hate hospital words. words like feeling safe, barricading, quite room, case worker, apple snapping. i hate all those words. they are words from the hospital, i hate hearing them. i feel just out of it though, today i was so low on energy in school i was like a zombie, i didnt do anything i was asked, i could hardly answer questions. it hurt to walk, it was hard to stay standing, even staying sitting bothered me. im sure i would have slept all day today if i had allowed myself to, i dont have good enough nutrition to be awake. i feel like i cant hardly bring myself to do anything. eat, clean, work, leave my room, be awake, get dressed. everything feels like a struggle. i want to go hybernate somewhere. and come out when the world is alive again. and of course, i still want to lose weight, theres not much to talk about there i think ive said it all, im frustrated and miserable and not good enough, but thats how its been for 4 years. im thinking thats how its always going to be. ive heard theres no recovery from this, theres only coping with it. theres no real silencing that voice in your head telling you your fat. i dont fight that voice, its too much effort, i just let it win and rule over my dying body. something help me
other then that, ive been feeling terrible. i got the blues something awful. moms been threatening me with hospitals, and right now i wouldnt mind going and leaving the world for a while. i feel like im going into crisis. which is what the hospital calls it when your in a mental state that needs hospitalization. i hate hospital words. words like feeling safe, barricading, quite room, case worker, apple snapping. i hate all those words. they are words from the hospital, i hate hearing them. i feel just out of it though, today i was so low on energy in school i was like a zombie, i didnt do anything i was asked, i could hardly answer questions. it hurt to walk, it was hard to stay standing, even staying sitting bothered me. im sure i would have slept all day today if i had allowed myself to, i dont have good enough nutrition to be awake. i feel like i cant hardly bring myself to do anything. eat, clean, work, leave my room, be awake, get dressed. everything feels like a struggle. i want to go hybernate somewhere. and come out when the world is alive again. and of course, i still want to lose weight, theres not much to talk about there i think ive said it all, im frustrated and miserable and not good enough, but thats how its been for 4 years. im thinking thats how its always going to be. ive heard theres no recovery from this, theres only coping with it. theres no real silencing that voice in your head telling you your fat. i dont fight that voice, its too much effort, i just let it win and rule over my dying body. something help me