this is my life
Recently, I’ve noticed that my life is pushed forward by “have to”, “need to”, and “don’t do”. Not “want to”. Sure, I still do things that I want to do, but it feels like I’m procrastinating every time I do.
Is this what becoming an adult is all about? Learning to live with the “have to”, “need to”, and “don’t do” and throwing away the “want to” in order to make time for those things?
I filled out a job application the other day, despite my packed schedule for the next semester. Despite the fact that I’m attending a very cheap college, I feel like I have to work, that just living as a college student just doesn’t cut it. I mean, I thought college was about experiencing college and its social aspects. But it seems that all people do now is work and complain about work and school, with a few exceptions.
I’ve begun to realize that life is beginning to bitchslap me for doing the right thing or a good thing. I wonder if this is why people just give up on having manners or avoid being rude to people, because it seems those people are the ones that get ahead in life. I even saw a book the other day titled something like “Playing Nice Doesn’t Get You a Corner Office”.
I was raised to have manners, to respect people, and to live an honest life. But it seems like most people weren’t raised that way. I feel like how I was raised is backfiring on me because no matter how hard I try to be nice and good, the world finds a way to turn it against me.
There’s a couple of examples I can bring up. I do my laundry weekly so I only have one load and don’t hog all the washers and dryers. Consequently, I am subject to the mercy of those who don’t do their laundry regularly and hog about four washers and dryers at a time, lengthening my own laundry time twice as long.
On Friday, I donated blood despite a previous experience that wasn’t too pleasant. I ended up yaking, breaking out in hot and cold sweat alternately, and then going down for the count for about two hours.
Today, I volunteered at the Japanese Garden Spring Festival for the Learning Alliance. I had a lot of fun, so I stuck around after the shift to help out some more. I ended up getting sick and having to run back to my dorm. In the process, I failed to notice that I had dropped my wallet. I started to read for my English class when I got a call that someone found my wallet in the parking lot and had brought it to the dorm office. I went to the office to retrieve it, glad that my driver’s license and credit cards were still there, only to discover my cash supply of about 30 bucks was gone.
I’m seriously considering if it’s worth being a nice person anymore. It seems that the world simply repays me by throwing some nasty situation at me or another when I do something nice or try avoid being troublesome. Then again, part of me just tells me I shouldn’t care, period, about how I act anymore, whether good or bad.