a thought
God! Every single time, why does it have to be so hard! I'm sure something is hinting towards fate.....can't escape!
Had to get out of there, so i'm here! Hmmm!
I was thinking about stuff last night, couldn't sleep!I just began thinking about how close I came. The cancer scare still shakes me from time to time. I don't really like thinking about it too much [not really surprising] Don't get me wrong I am grateful, 'god' only knows how much. Sometimes I just wonder....what if! I hate my scar and everytime I look in the mirror it's a constant reminder of the time spent in hospital. It all seemed to happen so quickly, even now....soemtimes, it seems like a hazy dream. Going under the knife was soooo scary and when I came out I was so tired, more tired than i've ever been in my life. My housemates came to see me and I remember the nurse saying, 'ok, but not too long, she's only just come out of theatre'....like something straight out of casualty.....lol
No, I kid now but at the time it was so scary! Then there were all the tests and scans and the waiting......the endless waiting [that was the worst]....the not knowing. I was suppose to go back for a check up just before christmas but i just couldn't face it........i never told my mum though, she would have forced me to go and i had enough of hospitals to last me a life time!
I still worry though........
The first time i had sex after the operation i was so apprehensive but it went ok, thank god......i'm still paranoid about it though. The nurse said i was lucky to persist with the doc, as if the lump had grown anymore i may have lost my breast..............it doesn't bare thinking about!
Funny i haven't written about it before...........i guess it was easier at the time to blott it out, pretend it had never happened.....if that makes any sense!
Yet, he was sweet and atentive and he was there for me when i needed him.........thankyou for not judging me.
I love you x
Had to get out of there, so i'm here! Hmmm!
I was thinking about stuff last night, couldn't sleep!I just began thinking about how close I came. The cancer scare still shakes me from time to time. I don't really like thinking about it too much [not really surprising] Don't get me wrong I am grateful, 'god' only knows how much. Sometimes I just wonder....what if! I hate my scar and everytime I look in the mirror it's a constant reminder of the time spent in hospital. It all seemed to happen so quickly, even now....soemtimes, it seems like a hazy dream. Going under the knife was soooo scary and when I came out I was so tired, more tired than i've ever been in my life. My housemates came to see me and I remember the nurse saying, 'ok, but not too long, she's only just come out of theatre'....like something straight out of casualty.....lol
No, I kid now but at the time it was so scary! Then there were all the tests and scans and the waiting......the endless waiting [that was the worst]....the not knowing. I was suppose to go back for a check up just before christmas but i just couldn't face it........i never told my mum though, she would have forced me to go and i had enough of hospitals to last me a life time!
I still worry though........
The first time i had sex after the operation i was so apprehensive but it went ok, thank god......i'm still paranoid about it though. The nurse said i was lucky to persist with the doc, as if the lump had grown anymore i may have lost my breast..............it doesn't bare thinking about!
Funny i haven't written about it before...........i guess it was easier at the time to blott it out, pretend it had never happened.....if that makes any sense!
Yet, he was sweet and atentive and he was there for me when i needed him.........thankyou for not judging me.
I love you x